Todd St. James
5. The “All Our Food Should Be Communal” Roommate
A subtle yet clever distinction from the “I Can’t Tell Which Food Is Mine” roommate, this non-conformist dweller uses political arguments and capitalistic guilt to convince you to offer up your ruffage for her own gain. Share all the food in the house? Sounds great! But guess who’s actually buying the milk every week…
4. The “I Have Fairy Tale Parents” Roommate
On the surface, this roommate may look okay, but he can be irritating quite quickly. He can always pay his bills on time because his parents send him the money. He’s still under his family’s phone plan. His dad drives up to take him on grocery shopping sprees. His mother sends him a care package twice a month. An independent professional he is not.
And this would be fine and all if only, when you casually mention your worries of coming up short this month, he didn’t respond with, “Yeah, I hear you, man.”
3. The “I Never Leave My Room” Roommate
At first, this sounds like the best roommate ever: it’s like having the place to yourself at half of the cost. But as the days go by and your roommate has yet to emerge during daylight hours, you can’t help but wonder: what’s he doing in there? Is it something harmless, like a League of Legends addiction, or is it far more sinister, like an anthrax bomb full of prehistoric scorpions? You’ll never know until it ends up on the news, and then you’ll be standing there like an idiot during your interview saying, “But I never thought to check!”
The paranoia of that closed door will always get you in the end.
2. The “I Carry My Potted Plant Around” Roommate
But sometimes you wish your roommate would just stay in her weird little world upstairs. Because when she does leave it, she tends to change the nudist policies of the apartment upon a whim, start a compost pile in the middle of the kitchen, and think her aura will heal if she always has her trusted baby Cyprus, Cindy, by her side. This is the last time you’ll go through craigslist to fill a vacancy.
1. The “Every Day is April Fools’ Day” Roommate
A variation of the “You’re My Best Friend” Roommate, this guy thinks it’s cool to start going into your room and mess with your stuff. You come home every day to discover a new prank: TP’d furniture, your desk covered in Post-Its, the file for your latest case replaced with a treasure map. And every day, you’re expected to heartily congratulate him on his wit and creativity. But you’ve internally hit the point where you just want to punch him in the face.
Have you ever had a horrible roommate? Share your stories in the comments section below! Do you know somebody currently having roommate problems? Share this list with them to show them that it could still be worse!
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