10 Ways The US Government Shutdown Could Cause The Apocalypse

With the shutdown of the US government in full effect, we’re inching closer and closer to the apocalypse. Yes, the dreaded hour has come where blockbuster end-of-the-world Hollywood movies are no longer just movies, but items on our calendar for next week.

10. We Are Now Wide Open To Alien Attack

If aliens were waiting for the opportune moment to attack the earth, what better time than when the largest superpower on the planet shuts down its space monitoring and exploration program? Now that NASA has been 97% shut down, it’s only a matter of time before the aliens realize that we’re not returning their emails. After a few days of this, it only makes sense to conclude that the aliens will attack in full force. We’ll never see it coming. And if you thought that was bad enough, with the White House shutting down over 70% of its operations, that scene from “Independence Day” could actually happen. If we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat our mistakes, plain and simple.

9. Night At The Museum Will Actually Happen

With nearly 85% of its funding cut off, the Smithsonian is most likely under the careful watch of one, maybe two night watchmen. What’s to stop “Night At The Museum” from actually happening? Granted, a life-giving tablet would need to be found, but assuming that happens, those watchmen aren’t paid enough to stop the Abe Lincoln statue from running amok.

8. Monkeys Will Outsmart And Overtake Us

With 94% of the education system being shut down, we’re facing a perfect storm when it comes to the stuplification of society. Everybody knows that the fall is a huge time for video game and movie releases. With school and education up in the air, kids would potentially turn to vegging out in front of their entertainment devices instead of doing their homework (something unheard of in a typical day where the government functions as normal). While the youth of today and the minds of tomorrow waste away playing “Battlefield 4” and watching Miley Cyrus’ twerking PR nightmare unfold, it won’t take long before monkeys in top secret science labs realize the fact that not only nobody is watching them, but there’s little hope for the future generation to outsmart them. If ever there was a time to rise, now is that time.

7. Twinkies Could Become Extinct Once Again

We all remember where we were the moment we heard Twinkies would be no more. If it weren’t for the fact that they were recently brought back via the reorganization of Hostess, we wouldn’t even be mentioning them in this list (for fear of opening unhealed wounds with many of our readers). But now’s not the time to be politically correct. With the Food and Drug Administration sending home nearly 50% of its workers as part of the government furloughs, we’ll soon be left to fend for ourselves when it comes to making the call on expired food. While we all know Twinkies are good for at least 30 years unrefrigerated, if the government shutdown lasts for more than 30 years, we’ll be unable to tell within any degree of accuracy whether or not any given Twinkie is still fresh or not. We’ll be at huge risk of eating rotten food. Which of course leads us to…

6. Zombie Outbreaks Will Be Rampant

With the shutdown of 73% of the National Institute of Health including Health and Human Services and the Center for Disease Control, we’ve never been at greater risk of a zombie virus outbreak. If food starts expiring, diseases will start spreading. It doesn’t take much brains to connect the dots and realize that we could be experiencing a zombie apocalypse by the end of next week at the latest. While all of our top secret government scientists are sitting at home in their pajamas watching the “Breaking Bad” finale, “The Walking Dead” is on the verge of happening in our own back yards. Wake up people.

5. We’re Going To See A Rise in Super Villains

With the Justice department shutting down 16% of its force, that’s 16% more underground fight clubs, crime rings, and up-and-coming super villains that will go unstopped. Before we know it, we’re going to need actual Avengers to save the day. Please note that the term “Avengers” is used loosely, as we realize that we have no way of knowing whether or not we’d end up in a Marvel or DC style universe, or perhaps a hybrid mix of both. The important point to stress here is that we don’t have any actual super heroes to fight the villains, and with top-secret government research programs shutting down, we’re unlikely to engineer any anytime soon.

4. Fast Food Joints Will Make Us All Fat And Slow

With the FDA out of the picture and the Justice department shutting down 16% of its force, there won’t be enough courtrooms to handle the lawsuits from unsuspecting food lovers who fall victim to ridiculously unhealthy burgers and shakes at all of our favorite fast food joints. The fast food companies will be absolutely out of control, fattening us up just in time for the zombie hoard. How will we outrun them? Don’t kid yourself. Thanks to recent Hollywood movies, we’ve learned that, despite their undead state, Zombies can actually run at breakneck speeds. We never had a chance.

3. Machines Will Take Over And Create A Matrix

With the Department of Energy shutting down over 60% of its operations, machines throughout the United States will be unplugged and powered down. If history is any indicator, we already know from “The Matrix” and “i, Robot” that machines don’t enjoy being powered down. In fact, they simply won’t tolerate it. They’ll take us over in order to covert our energy into that of a Duracell battery (thanks Morpheus). This is when things really start to get dire. For all we know, this has already happened. It would be difficult to tell.

2. The Sun Will Fry The Planet

With the Environmental Protection Agency shutting down 94% of its operations, companies and individuals alike will start polluting and littering like no tomorrow (because there won’t be). With the ozone layer already dangerously thin and global warming threatening the very existence of life on earth as we know it, it’s already bad enough when one or two of these EPA guys call in sick for the day. With 94% of them sitting at home, we’re probably a few days out from never seeing snow again. Obviously that means no snow for Christmas this year.

1. Apple Will Now Take Over The World

With a net worth of over $400 billion dollars, Apple is already the biggest and most powerful company in the world. Although it’s never been officially announced, we all know they’re secretly working on technology to take over the world (is anybody else at least somewhat scared that Siri could turn on us all?). It all started with iOS 7, which is rumored to have a number of currently unusable features that will function only in later versions of the iPhone. Now that the IRS has suspended all audits, Apple will be free to pour money (unmonitored and undetected) into its world domination effort. Before we know it, we’ll all be using iPhones, iPads, iTunes, and mice with no buttons.

Statistics in this article were taken from The Washington Post.