YOU!

Discussion in 'Art & Creative' started by MayaKurama, Nov 19, 2007.

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What do you think?

  1. Its OK

    0 vote(s)
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  2. Its really good

    0 vote(s)
    0.0%
  3. It could use a little work

    0 vote(s)
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  4. Its really bad

    0 vote(s)
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  1. MayaKurama

    MayaKurama Guest

    You hurt me,
    Beyond repair.
    I had dreams for us,
    But you crushed them.
    I thought you loved me,
    But I was wrong.
    I have feelings for you,
    But you won't return them.
    You are my world,
    My everything,
    But to you,
    To you I'm nothing

    Maranna Lynn Willoughby

    Copyright ©2007 Maranna Lynn Willoughby
     

  2. Sephy

    Sephy Forum Drifter

    Dammit there is someone I love that this fits word by word to.
     
  3. Kazmarov

    Kazmarov For a Free Scotland

    Rhythm is good.

    Cliché and topic choice is not. Keep the structure together, but be more exploratory in what you choose to write about.

    Good try.
     
  4. oxyMORON

    oxyMORON A Darker Knight

    I was about to say it sounded pretty generic...
     
  5. Merc

    Merc Certified Shitlord V.I.P. Lifetime

    This is painfully generic and cliched.

    Like Kaz said, rythym is good but the poem itself needs some work. It's something so commonly written about and experienced in literature and poetry that it's almost difficult to read without writing a mean response (but I'm trying hard not to be).

    Realize that this poem has potential but it needs to be explored and fleshed out, this is the bare skeleton, all of which needs to be covered and hidden with stronger and more substantial material.
     

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