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“yeahhh now i'm mensturbate...”


I ♥ Haters
You just know you’re in for a trainwreck when someone says that. But I guess you can still read it. Or not. Whatever. I don’t really care. I need to get my beauty sleep.

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: asl?

You: asl? whats that?

Stranger: age sex location

You: you want my age so you can sex me up on location???? hmmmm?

Stranger: no jus how old you?

You: ahhh i see i’m 15.... i’m young but i’s be feisty, yo!

Stranger: i'm steven from rome ;)

You: ohai im tina from pleasemolestme, canada

You: and why are you winking? what’s so “;)” about rome?

Stranger: i have 25

You: you have 25 what?

Stranger: years sorry

You: oh i see

Stranger: you like sex?

You: meh, it pays the bills

Stranger: also i

You: super!

Stranger: describe yourself

You: hmmm, well i’m 3 feet tall, i have brown hair, brown eyes, i’m fat and stumpy and i kinda look like the love child of kenny rogers and janet reno

Stranger: i'm 1,85 dark hair dark eyes

You: you sound sexy

Stranger: if you a want a pic of me

Stranger: thanx

You: no thanks. i don’t want any pictures of you

Stranger: also you?

You: huh?

Stranger: you pic?

You: nope sorry. i don’t have a camera or a computer... i’m poor :(

You: i’m so poor that i had to cook and eat my cat Sparta :(

Stranger: no sorry

Stranger: if you want a picture of me tell me the email

You: no really, man. i don’t want your picture.

Stranger: ahhhhhh ok

Stranger: i sau you vry cute

You: um, ok

Stranger: why you love sex you are so small

You: I like being ravaged by fat, sweaty , balding men who can’t make it with a woman their own age... its like i am being torn apart by a thousand tigers

Stranger: cool you are so sexy when you say so.... i'm excited

You: ooh good for you! good for you

Stranger: what are you doing in this moment

You: i’m multitasking – i’m chatting with you while i fold the laundry. oh and there’s a coke bottle stuck up my ass... it’s a long, but funny story.

Stranger: where are you in your room

You: why yes i am. how did you know? i’m standing in my window waving, can you see me?

Stranger: i wanna kiss you knees

You: oh um, okaaaay...

Stranger: why don't you take off some clothes

You: okay. here i go.....

Stranger: ohhh yeah

You: i’m gonna take off my onesie.... here i go....

Stranger: are you touching yourself

You: kinda... its kinda uncomfortable to touch myself.... what with a coke bottle lodged up my rectum

Stranger: in your little pussy ....

You: no, no, no.... the rectum is not the same as a vagina. those are two different orifices. your rectum is what you poo out of.

Stranger: i have my dick on my hand

You: oh... well, ok...

Stranger: why don't you lick it

You: your hand? ok.... ewww, it tastes salty... and moldy.... like day old tuna

Stranger: ahhhhh now i'm vert excited i wanna lick your tits

You: oh no

Stranger: what

You: i don’t have tits.... they haven’t come in yet.

Stranger: yeahhh now i'm mensturbate

You: dont you dare menstruate yet bitch!!!

Stranger: ok

You: just hold it

Stranger: ok

You: if you menstruate then there is a good chance that we will get pregnant and i’m not ready to be a parent. I would rather have aids than a roman baby

Stranger: lol

Stranger: how is your pussy

You: wet and full of crabs... like the atlantic ocean

You: and my butthole has a bottle of soda in it

Stranger: ahhhh

Stranger: ahhh yes

Stranger: ahhhh yeahhh i want you

You: oh you! who doesn’t want me?

Stranger: i wanna lick your body

Stranger: your pussy

You: you probably shouldn’t. i’m full of disease and i can’t give you a free test drive.... my pimp treshawn will kill me

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: come here and sit on my dick

You: yay!

You: do you want to hear what I want for christmas now?

Stranger: i wait

Stranger: yeah

You: ok, i want a barbie dream house play set, some pretty pink shoes, a pony named buttercup and a vibrator

Stranger: ahhhh all in your ass

You: um i don’t think barbie will enjoy it in my ass... and i don’t think a pony will fit in there either

You: and i dont put my shoes there, they go on my feet

You: then maybe in your ass...

You: if you're lucky

Stranger: lol

Stranger: why don't you send to me some photo sexy of you

You: i told you i can’t. i don’t have a camera! why are you mocking my poverty???

Stranger: :(

Stranger: tell me more

You: more what? about how piss poor i am? about how i had to eat my poor little kitteh because i was starving? hmmm? Or maybe you wanna know about how i have to bathe and shit in the public park because i have no indoor plumbing? Is that what you wanna hear, mr. moneybags?

Stranger: no....

Stranger: what you do with me?

You: ohhhhhhhh. well, i’d like to sodomize you, if that’s ok?

Stranger: no

You: damn you

Stranger: i don't like it

You: too bad, its super fun

Stranger: for you

You: yes, thats the poing, right?

You: err i mean point lol my fat little fingers make typos

You: hello? you there?

Stranger: sorry i was do soemthinh

You: ok...

Stranger: i wanna cum with you

You: okaaay... but i’m not really turned on so i’ll have to fake it

Stranger: ahhh ahhhhhhh


You: ok, so now can i ram my giant penis up your ass?

Stranger: but you are female

You: oh yes, that’s right. sorry i forgot

Stranger: really?

You: yeah. people can forget y’know. its called alzheimers

Stranger: i'm cuuuuminggggg

Stranger: ahhhhhhhhhhhh

You: ok, i’m a dude... and i’m violating your poop chute

You: can you feel it? can you feel my giant shlong poking your colon?

Stranger: fuck you

You: lol

You: don’t lie, bitch. you’re loving every minute of this, aren’t you?

You: oh, hold that thought, i’m about to blow a load in your ass.

You: oh god this is better than when my gym teacher forced it on me

You: see? its better when you relax and just let it happen, don’t clench your anus so much

Stranger: who is the girl tina?

You: oh that? thats just some bitch i killed. I chopped her up into pieces and buried her carcass in my backyard

Stranger: sick you are sick

You: moi? sick? more sicker than a 25 year old douchebag who likes to have sex with 15 year old girls? come on, cupcake... don’t pull that righteousness shit on me. i eat retards like you for breakfast.

You: hello?

You: omg, come back! i’m not done anally violating you yet!!

Your conversational partner has disconnected.
Oh and for the record, I didn’t eat my cat, Sparta. He’s sitting on my lap right now.... clawing the fuck outta my legs.