I ♥ Haters
You just know you’re in for a trainwreck when someone says that. But I guess you can still read it. Or not. Whatever. I don’t really care. I need to get my beauty sleep.
Oh and for the record, I didn’t eat my cat, Sparta. He’s sitting on my lap right now.... clawing the fuck outta my legs.You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: asl? whats that?
Stranger: age sex location
You: you want my age so you can sex me up on location???? hmmmm?
Stranger: no jus how old you?
You: ahhh i see i’m 15.... i’m young but i’s be feisty, yo!
Stranger: i'm steven from rome
You: ohai im tina from pleasemolestme, canada
You: and why are you winking? what’s so “” about rome?
Stranger: i have 25
You: you have 25 what?
Stranger: years sorry
You: oh i see
Stranger: you like sex?
You: meh, it pays the bills
Stranger: also i
Stranger: describe yourself
You: hmmm, well i’m 3 feet tall, i have brown hair, brown eyes, i’m fat and stumpy and i kinda look like the love child of kenny rogers and janet reno
Stranger: i'm 1,85 dark hair dark eyes
You: you sound sexy
Stranger: if you a want a pic of me
You: no thanks. i don’t want any pictures of you
Stranger: also you?
Stranger: you pic?
You: nope sorry. i don’t have a camera or a computer... i’m poor
You: i’m so poor that i had to cook and eat my cat Sparta
Stranger: no sorry
Stranger: if you want a picture of me tell me the email
You: no really, man. i don’t want your picture.
Stranger: ahhhhhh ok
Stranger: i sau you vry cute
You: um, ok
Stranger: why you love sex you are so small
You: I like being ravaged by fat, sweaty , balding men who can’t make it with a woman their own age... its like i am being torn apart by a thousand tigers
Stranger: cool you are so sexy when you say so.... i'm excited
You: ooh good for you! good for you
Stranger: what are you doing in this moment
You: i’m multitasking – i’m chatting with you while i fold the laundry. oh and there’s a coke bottle stuck up my ass... it’s a long, but funny story.
Stranger: where are you in your room
You: why yes i am. how did you know? i’m standing in my window waving, can you see me?
Stranger: i wanna kiss you knees
You: oh um, okaaaay...
Stranger: why don't you take off some clothes
You: okay. here i go.....
Stranger: ohhh yeah
You: i’m gonna take off my onesie.... here i go....
Stranger: are you touching yourself
You: kinda... its kinda uncomfortable to touch myself.... what with a coke bottle lodged up my rectum
Stranger: in your little pussy ....
You: no, no, no.... the rectum is not the same as a vagina. those are two different orifices. your rectum is what you poo out of.
Stranger: i have my dick on my hand
You: oh... well, ok...
Stranger: why don't you lick it
You: your hand? ok.... ewww, it tastes salty... and moldy.... like day old tuna
Stranger: ahhhhh now i'm vert excited i wanna lick your tits
You: oh no
You: i don’t have tits.... they haven’t come in yet.
Stranger: yeahhh now i'm mensturbate
You: dont you dare menstruate yet bitch!!!
You: just hold it
You: if you menstruate then there is a good chance that we will get pregnant and i’m not ready to be a parent. I would rather have aids than a roman baby
Stranger: how is your pussy
You: wet and full of crabs... like the atlantic ocean
You: and my butthole has a bottle of soda in it
Stranger: ahhh yes
Stranger: ahhhh yeahhh i want you
You: oh you! who doesn’t want me?
Stranger: i wanna lick your body
Stranger: your pussy
You: you probably shouldn’t. i’m full of disease and i can’t give you a free test drive.... my pimp treshawn will kill me
Stranger: come here and sit on my dick
You: do you want to hear what I want for christmas now?
Stranger: i wait
You: ok, i want a barbie dream house play set, some pretty pink shoes, a pony named buttercup and a vibrator
Stranger: ahhhh all in your ass
You: um i don’t think barbie will enjoy it in my ass... and i don’t think a pony will fit in there either
You: and i dont put my shoes there, they go on my feet
You: then maybe in your ass...
You: if you're lucky
Stranger: why don't you send to me some photo sexy of you
You: i told you i can’t. i don’t have a camera! why are you mocking my poverty???
Stranger: tell me more
You: more what? about how piss poor i am? about how i had to eat my poor little kitteh because i was starving? hmmm? Or maybe you wanna know about how i have to bathe and shit in the public park because i have no indoor plumbing? Is that what you wanna hear, mr. moneybags?
Stranger: what you do with me?
You: ohhhhhhhh. well, i’d like to sodomize you, if that’s ok?
You: damn you
Stranger: i don't like it
You: too bad, its super fun
Stranger: for you
You: yes, thats the poing, right?
You: err i mean point lol my fat little fingers make typos
You: hello? you there?
Stranger: sorry i was do soemthinh
Stranger: i wanna cum with you
You: okaaay... but i’m not really turned on so i’ll have to fake it
Stranger: ahhh ahhhhhhh
You: AHHHHHHH! OH MY GOD!!! YES!! YES! YEHEHEHEEHESSSSSS!! BOOM GOES THE DYNO-MITE, BABY!!
You: ok, so now can i ram my giant penis up your ass?
Stranger: but you are female
You: oh yes, that’s right. sorry i forgot
You: yeah. people can forget y’know. its called alzheimers
Stranger: i'm cuuuuminggggg
You: ok, i’m a dude... and i’m violating your poop chute
You: can you feel it? can you feel my giant shlong poking your colon?
Stranger: fuck you
You: don’t lie, bitch. you’re loving every minute of this, aren’t you?
You: oh, hold that thought, i’m about to blow a load in your ass.
You: oh god this is better than when my gym teacher forced it on me
You: see? its better when you relax and just let it happen, don’t clench your anus so much
Stranger: who is the girl tina?
You: oh that? thats just some bitch i killed. I chopped her up into pieces and buried her carcass in my backyard
Stranger: sick you are sick
You: moi? sick? more sicker than a 25 year old douchebag who likes to have sex with 15 year old girls? come on, cupcake... don’t pull that righteousness shit on me. i eat retards like you for breakfast.
You: omg, come back! i’m not done anally violating you yet!!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.