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Word Play

Julie

Registered Member
Word Play

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my
electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes,
I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't
serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this
taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."

13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there
are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either
my mom or my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger
brother Ho-Chin. But I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.

14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and
heat it too.

19. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
 

Julie

Registered Member
Here's another:

Three Nuns

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter met them at the gate
and told them that since they had been so very good in their past
lives, God was going to let them go back and be whoever they wanted to
be.

The first nun was very flat-chested and she asked to be Dolly Parton.
Poof! She was Dolly!

The second nun was very shy, so she asked to be Hilary Clinton, and so
she was sent back as Hilary.

The last nun looked at St. Peter and asked to be Alice Kapipaleen.
Peter said that he was unfamiliar with that person, so he had to go
look the name up in his records. He came back a while later and told
the nun that there had never been anyone born by that name. The nun
reached into her purse and pulled out a newspaper clipping. "Maybe
this will help", she said. Peter read the article, laughed out loud
and said, "Sister, that was the Alaskan Pipeline that was laid by
50,000 men!"
 

Julie

Registered Member
Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."

On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside."

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):"Do not turn upside
down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."

On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts."

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
 

Julie

Registered Member
Proving It

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,
the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier
refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21".

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him
because he didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and
gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was
in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours
later.
 

Julie

Registered Member
Man of the House

The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House," by the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then you are going to make love with me where, when and how I tell you! Then, after that, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife responded, "The Funeral Director."

Here's another that was buried:

http://www.auctionsightings.com/showthread.php?t=2080
 
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