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What to do.

HalfEatenSurprise

Registered Member
I'm not one to willingly complicate my life, usually any hint of disruption to easy street and I avoid it like I'd avoid cuddling a hungry, pissed-off lion.

Yet, last weekend I ended up in bed with a married woman.
She's two years older than me, so that's no problem.
Her marriage, according to her and friends is basically over. Although they are still bound by paperwork.
She doesn't wish to be in it any more, and I know this to be a certainty.

Although, with everything, this was only a bit of a random fling thing, or so it seems, although I have been told that further 'rendezvous' whatever the right word is, may be on the cards.

She said (although I don't know if there was any sort of insistence in what she said) that we should just be 'fuck buddies'. Which at the moment I can happily tolerate, unless I am encroaching on the marriage, of course, in which I would feel rotten about it. That'd be the nail in my 'low self confidence's coffin'.

However, I am a little concerned about it all. I think it's just a case of stuff 'preying on my mind', assuming the worst when I haven't actually got the events.
I'm only really concerned about this marriage thing. It seems like the sort of thing that could complicate matters in future. I mean, fair enough, I'm not attached at the moment, but perhaps after a couple more encounters I will be. Then what do I do?

Tell her to divorce the guy? Then do I sound pushy, or out of line. It just seems like such a delicate thing to deal with. And it'd be pretty shite if I'm lead on and then suddenly disposed of in a couple of months. Not that I'd be critical of her decision, but I wouldn't feel too good, would I?

Avoidance is hard too... As she's now an established member of my main circle of friends, so it would be awkward to say the least. And to be honest, I don't want to avoid her. I like her.
Silently, I think in future I could maybe see myself with her. Although I don't know that for sure.

That lot probably sounded a bit garbled, sorry if that 's the case. I'm pretty confused about stuff atm.

Anyone got any advice? I mean, I'm gonna see how it goes basically. But, some stark, outside-the-situation advice may well help.

Thank you in advance :)
 
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Unity

Living in Ikoria
Staff member
Two questions that would help with the background info on all of this...

You say that she's only bound by paper, and that her friends say that the marriage is basically over.

(1) What does she say about the marriage?

(2) Are they actually separated, or does the marriage being basically over mean that they're having troubled times but aren't pursuing divorce?
 

HalfEatenSurprise

Registered Member
It's weird.
She emphatically stipulated that it IS over. She doesn't live with him or anything. She insisted, and properly so, that she no longer wishes to be married to him.

If she'd said she was still pondering the relationship I wouldn't have slept with her. End of. Friends also told me that she was definitely split up, and actually encouraged me to get with her.
Her pursuit of a divorce is a mystery to me. I didn't wish to ask about the actual divorce proceedings, I mean, it's not nice. Is it?
Nonetheless, it's still there, and is bothering me a bit. I can't imagine she'd ruse me.
1. She doesn't seem that way.
2. Her emphasis on it was profound.
3. Friends backed up the idea.

However, I suppose I'm counting my chickens. If in future we became close, I suppose a divorce is her only way. But I just don't know. It's new territory for me.
 
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shelgarr

Registered Member
She sounds messed up. Or maybe her head is ok, but her life is a mess. She doesn't sound like she is on a good path. Likely it'll get worse before it gets better. It can be depressing and she'll drag you through the sludge with her. With all the upstanding well educated moral dignified self respecting women out there, don't get caught up with someone that will suck up your time from going out and finding them.
 

Ilus_Unistus

Registered Member
HES, I think if it true she does not live with him, then it is to a point of being over and I see no problem with you or her pursuing a relationship if it is what you or her wish.
 

HalfEatenSurprise

Registered Member
She sounds messed up. Or maybe her head is ok, but her life is a mess. She doesn't sound like she is on a good path. Likely it'll get worse before it gets better. It can be depressing and she'll drag you through the sludge with her. With all the upstanding well educated moral dignified self respecting women out there, don't get caught up with someone that will suck up your time from going out and finding them.
Unfortunately. This, person doesn't strike me like this. Far from it.
She seems pointed at getting herself out of the situation. Like I said.

And I kinda would like to help her out of the 'mess' as you so inadequately put it. My concern is that I'd be interfering. I doubt she'd drag me through the ins and outs of her divorce proceedings.

I mean, you kinda made her sound like a 'mistake' to me. And I don't see her as that.

Sucked up from finding what? A person that actually gives me time of day? A person that give me a connection? A person that may actually wish to be with me in a fleeting way? A person that wishes to make a life with me?
An opportunity is an opportunity. I've missed a number of those, honestly so - Is it unwise to pursue such a thing, when the grounds for a possibility are there? --- I really wanna know.
But you're analysis of her life is not right. She is no, or in no 'mess' - She has a 'head'. She is 'educated' and 'dignified' - The latter more than the former, as best I can tell - but both in admirable measure. She is definitely self-respecting.
 

shelgarr

Registered Member
Fuck buddies....ok whatever. Maybe I jumped the gun about sizing her up, but I would say you are going to the other extreme about your "impression". You sound decided and it's your life. I'm a mere stranger....WAIT! .... she is too. There's this syndrome called "saving a damsel in distress". Men like that usually fear they can't get anyone based on who they are only what they can give, as in being needed. Do you see yourself one of those? Don't want to jump the gun again, but these types don't make good partners because there's some esteem problems. Lastly your mate will eventually sort herself out and then what? Your project is done.
 
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HalfEatenSurprise

Registered Member
Fuck buddies....ok whatever. Maybe I jumped the gun about sizing her up, but I would say you are going to the other extreme about your "impression". You sound decided and it's your life. I'm a mere stranger....WAIT! .... she is too. There's this syndrome called "saving a damsel in distress". Men like that usually fear they can't get anyone based on who they are only what they can give, as in being needed. Do you see yourself one of those? Don't want to jump the gun again, but these types don't make good partners because there's some esteem problems. Lastly your mate will eventually sort herself out and then what? Your project is done.
Yes, and I established this wasn't 'insisted' -

Can people not be at an extreme, and still maintain dignity, education etc?

Stranger, not quite. She is an 'established member of our circle of friends'.

Saving the Damsel in distress is a bit far. It's a case of saving everything, part of it is for myself. My concern still being about the marriage, which Ilus gave me a simple good opinion on, not with him so it's worth pursuing if you both want it. I'm gonna have to weigh up whether she wants anything more.
Yours however is a bit OTT- Although, I do kinda take on board your stuff, I would've more if you'd not analysed the person so closely, when you didn't know her, and hence got her wrong. It takes all credibility out of the idea.

I'm sure I can give more than just support in her hard times, but it's not just that. It's just general being able to be with her. General connection. Nothing so convoluted. That's what I like about it all. The being with her.

And what project are you on about? A project wtf... You think I'd see such a thing as this? Fuck buddy mentality may be one thing, but this is something else. I mean no matter how flimsy a relationship, considering it a 'project' is just not right. It even sounds horrible.
 

shelgarr

Registered Member
Yes, and I established this wasn't 'insisted' -

Can people not be at an extreme, and still maintain dignity, education etc?

Stranger, not quite. She is an 'established member of our circle of friends'.

Saving the Damsel in distress is a bit far. It's a case of saving everything, part of it is for myself. My concern still being about the marriage, which Ilus gave me a simple good opinion on, not with him so it's worth pursuing if you both want it. I'm gonna have to weigh up whether she wants anything more.
Yours however is a bit OTT- Although, I do kinda take on board your stuff, I would've more if you'd not analysed the person so closely, when you didn't know her, and hence got her wrong. It takes all credibility out of the idea.

I'm sure I can give more than just support in her hard times, but it's not just that. It's just general being able to be with her. General connection. Nothing so convoluted. That's what I like about it all. The being with her.

And what project are you on about? A project wtf... You think I'd see such a thing as this? Fuck buddy mentality may be one thing, but this is something else. I mean no matter how flimsy a relationship, considering it a 'project' is just not right. It even sounds horrible.
Fair enough. I hope I'm completely wrong. You seem like a good guy.
 

HalfEatenSurprise

Registered Member
Fair enough. I hope I'm completely wrong. You seem like a good guy.
Some of your ideas hold water.
A general attitude seeming that I be 'cautious' about it. It's enough advice to make me so.
Although, I still hold some of your ideas with minor contempt. I don't discount them. Thank you.
 
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