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Weekly Joke

FourSuits

True Blue Australian
One night a police officer was stalking out particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the DUI laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the Designated Decoy.”


A women walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go by and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit and says, “Whoa, I don’t remember eating that!”


This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, “Where’d you get the great shirt, mate?”
The man replies, “David Jones.”
This second guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes, “Where’d you get the great pants, mate?”
The man replies, “David Jones.”
This third guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on and the bartender goes, “Where’d you get the great shoes and socks, mate?”
The man replies, “David Jones.”
Then this fourth guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, “Look, who the hell are you, mate?”
And the naked guy says, “I’m David Jones!”


A preacher goes into a bar and says, “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says, “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”
The drunk says, “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

Three whales were swimming in the ocean~mummy whale and two~when along came a harpooning ship and harpooned mummy whale. The baby whales were quite upset and so they discussed a plan of action.
“Right” said baby whale 1, “Let’s go under the ship and blow out our spouts and tip the boat over!!!”
“Alright” said baby whale 2, so they did and all the sailors were tossed out of the boat and were left swimming around.
Baby whale 1 said to baby whale 2 “Let’s eat some of these bastards,” but baby whale 2 said “No! I’ll do a blow job but I’m not swallowing any seamen!”


There was a fly above the water. Under the water was a trout. It was thinking, ‘If that fly would drop, I could eat it.”
On the riverbank was a bear. Behind the bear was a fisherman. He was thinking, ‘if the fly dropped, the bear would get the trout, and I could get the bear instead of fishing with cheese.”
Behind the fisherman was a mouse and behind that was a pussy cat.
Well the fly dropped, trout got fly, bear got trout, fisherman got bear. Mouse got the cheese. Pussy jumped for mouse, missed and fell in water.
Moral of story~If fly drops, pussy gets wet.


Three mice are sitting at a bar in a rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse drowns a shot of Jack Daniel’s, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of Bombay Sapphire, downs them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and repies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse heaves a long sigh and says to the two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and screw the cat.”
 

marshall

Registered Member
thats so robbed. i did the david jones skit at a talent contest! i was the naked guy.
 
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