One afternoon, an old drunk stumbled into a podiatrist’s office, mistaking it for a whorehouse. The nurse asked him his name, then told him to go behind the screen and stick it out.
So, naturally the old drunk weaved over to the screen, dropped his pants, and stuck his thing through the screen.
The nurse walked over, shrieked, and dropped her tray of instruments. “That’s not a foot!” she screamed.
The old drunk replied, “Sshorry, lady! I didn’t know there was a minimum.”
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causs arthritis?”
‘mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well I’ll be,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.
There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man says” I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!”
The second man says, “Ok, sure,” and the barman holds the bet.
The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in.
Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says, “I’ll bet you another $100 you can’t do that again.” So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says, “Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in.”
The first man says “Ok, sure.” the second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man, “Gee, you can be a bastard when you’re pissed, Superman.”
This barman is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy sudustive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?”
He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?”
She replies, “I don’t know if you’re the man to talk to… it’s kind of personal…”
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.”
She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth… and he begins sucking them, thinking “I’m in!!!”
She goes, “Can you give the manager something for me?” The bartender nods… yes.”Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the ladies restroom.”
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. “Hey,” he says, “What’s with the steering wheel down your pants?”
“Ach,” says the Irish man, “It’s drivin’ me nuts!”
One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his pick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting in the can.
“This is for ladies!” she screamed.
The drunk waved his dick at her and said “So is this!”