Untitled Horror Screenplay. Need feedback.

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Guest
#1
Establishing Shot of the Biograph Theater

Subtitle: Chicago, 1956

Cut to:
Int. Biograph Theater Lobby-Night

Two little girls are standing in the popcorn line in the crowded theater. The taller one grabs a bucket of popcorn and leads the other into the theater.

Cut to:
Int. Biograph Theater-Night

The girls are sitting in the theater. The older one has the popcorn on her lap, and the younger takes one piece at a time. The sounds of Elvis singing songs from the film, Love Me Tender, are all that's heard while the lights reflect off their pale faces.

Cut to:
Ext. Biograph Theater-Night

The girls are walking out of the theater, standing at the edge of the street. We hear, but do not see, a car pull over. The door opens. The two girls look up uneasily.

Cut to:
Int. Theater (any)-Night

We hover over a crowded theater, looking at the blank screen. Immediately, some black and white footage of Elvis Presley is comes up.

Elvis Presley:
Hello, this is Elvis Presley. I am here with a personal message to Barbara and Patricia Grimes, where ever they are. Please, little girls, go back home. Your mother, she misses you.
Cut to:
Ext. German Church Road/Devil's Creek-Day

Long shot of a roadside where four police officers walked towards two, naked young bodies (which are obscured). The one closest is a man of forty two named John McKenzie. He has black hair that is slowly fading to grey. He is not the most fit of the officers.

Close up of him looking down. A young Lieutenant walks up next to him.

McKenzie:
Call Mrs. Grimes. Tell her we need her down at the morgue to identify somebodies.

Pull out to see the young officer more clearly, while McKenzie walks back.

Lieutenant:
Me, Sir?

McKenzie:
Well, I sure as hell don't want to make the call.

Dissolve to:

Ext. Maple Lake-Day

Subtitle: Chicago, 1977

Five people are on the shore. Three men, two women. On women is tall and blonde, the other is shorter with brown hair. They are loud, and obnoxious. Each on has a beer in hand or near them. Kevin Demarbre is the oldest, at the age of twenty five, with a head full of Chestnut brown hair, cut around the ears. He is casting a fishing pole. The bobber falls just under a foot off the shore. Kevin's closest friend, Michael Driscoll walks up with a can of beer in his hand.

Michael Driscoll
You gotta teach me to cast like that.

The bobber goes down immediately, and Kevin pulls the line up with a Crawfish on it and swings it at Mike, who jumps back.

Michael Driscoll:
What the fuck man! You just threw a crab at me! A fucking Crab!

Kevin walks back past Michael, putting his fishing rod down on a picnic table, and picking a beer up from it.

Kevin Demarbre:
Actually, it's a crawfish.

Kevin opens the beer and takes a gulp. He sits down at the picnic table. The brown haired girl, Lorelei Fischer, sits next to Kevin. She leans over and kisses him.

Kevin Demarbre:
Hi there.

They smile. The two kiss again.

Lorelei Fischer:
Is that all you have to say? Hi There?

Michael Driscoll:
Come on, if it has claws, it's a crab!

Kevin Demarbre:
Well, perhaps if I wasn't such a faggot I could think of something a little bit more romantic.

A Police car pulls into the parking lot. The Lieutenant Baker is now a captain, and is walking down to the five. Lorelei leaves Kevin, who walks up to the police officer.

Kevin Demarbre:
Hey, Officer, what seems to be the problem.

Captain Baker:
If you ask me there, is nothing wrong with a group of young people having some harmless fun.

Michael starts stomping over to the Captain Baker.

Captain Baker:
(continued)
Unfortunately, Cook County really doesn't agree with me on that.

Michael Driscoll:
(still walking)
Hey, Officer Dipshit!

Kevin Demarbre:
Sorry, he's had a little too much to drink.

Michael Driscoll:
Yeah, I'm talking to you! Hey, Officer.

Captain Baker:
Obviously. Well, I don't want to incite your friend, so I'm going to let you off with a warning. Just pack up the booze and get out, okay?

Michael Driscoll:
How about you go beat on some hippies? Or, um, some black people or something!

Captain Baker:
(looking to Mike, then back to Kevin)
Maybe you should stop and get him some coffee on your way home.

Kevin Demarbre:
Yes, sir.

Ext. German Church Road

Establishing shot of an old station wagon going down the road. Cut to the inside where Kevin Demarbre is driving his friends back. Lorelei is in the front passenger seat, Michael is in the middle of the back, between the third man and second woman. He is past out.

Man 3:
Where the hell are we?

Kevin Demarbre:
Looks like Willow Springs.

Man 3:
Willow Springs is Northwest of where we were. We want to go Southeast of where we were.

Kevin Demarbre:
So I took a wrong turn. Would you like to drive?

Man 3:
Sure. At least I’m not afraid to drive down Archer in the dark.

Michael Driscoll:
Hey, can you please shut up?

Lorelei Fischer:
He speaks.

Cut to:

We see the car going near a sign that says has the named “Devil’s Creek†on it.

Cut to:
POV Kevin looking at the road. At the side, for only a second, it looks as though two young girls are standing at the side of the road. The two eerily fade into bushes.

Close up on Kevin, who looks mystified.

Int. Kevin’s House-Morning

Kevin is asleep on his bed, in the same clothes, above the covers. The phone rings four times before he gets up. He walks out the room, and down the stairs and answers it.

Kevin Demarbre:
Hello? (beat) No, I won’t be in until twelve, twelve-thirty. (beat) Yes, I do care
About my job. I’ve just had a terrible night. (beat) Everyone is late once in a while.

He puts down the phone, and walks to the cabinet. He pulls out a box of cereal, and takes a bowl out of the strainer.

Cut to:
Kevin sitting in the front room, eating cereal and watching TV.

Cut to:

Int. Cook County Hospital File Room-Day

Kevin is putting files in the “G†cabinet, thumbing carelessly. He puts the file Grimes, Benjamin right behind Grimes, Barbara. He pulls out Barbara Grimes file and opens it.

Cut to:
Int. Bar-Night

Kevin is standing to the side and behind Michael, who is at this point playing Darts. Kevin is already talking.

Kevin Demarbre:
But then at work, I found a file. Barbara Grimes. It was the same name! I looked at the pictures, it’s the same girl.

Michael throws his last dart and turns around.

Kevin Demarbre:
So, what do you think.

Michael Driscoll:
That is pretty weird.
Kevin Demarbre:
Weird? Is that it?

Michael Driscoll:
Stranger things have been known to happen.

Kevin Demarbre:
Everyone says stranger things have happened, or can happen, but what? What stranger things have happened?

Michael Driscoll:
Alien spacecraft, shot down in Roswell, New Mexico.

Kevin Demarbre:
First of all, Aliens are a lot more plausible then psychic dreams. Second of all, that was a goddamn weather balloon.

Michael Driscoll:
If Aliens are a lot more plausible, why won’t you admit that it was an alien craft at Roswell?

Kevin Demarbre:
Because they don’t exist. Your missing the point! I had a dream about these girls! I saw a man dumping their bodies on the side of the road!

Michael Driscoll:
I’m not saying you didn’t!

The Elvis Song “I Can’t Help Falling in Love†plays on the jukebox. Kevin grabs his beer and takes a sip.

The music continues to play for the next for the entire upcoming set of intercut scenes.

Cut to:

Ext. German Church Road-Night

A black car pull over to the side of the road. A man in black walks out, and opens the back door. You hear the cries of a young girl as he pulls her out.

Cut to:
Int. House Basement-Night

We see Patrica, shirtless, from the back in a dark room. She is breathing heavily, crying. Barbara is in back ground, screaming. The man in black steps into the frame.

Cut to:

Ext. German Church Road-Night

Overhead shot of the man in black carrying Patricia’s body out and throwing it over the side of the road, near her sister Barbara.

Cut to:

Int. Kevin’s Home, Bedroom-Night

The song stops playing.

Kevin’s eyes open, a look of terror is on his face.

Cut to:

Int. Cook County Hospital File Room-Day

Kevin is walking to a small table in the file room with Barbara's file. He opens it, looks to see the Autopsy report. He grabs a small pad of paper, and copies the name McCarron.




A couple of points:

First of all, this is designed to be a Gore free horror story. Any gore in this would be disrespectful.

Second, this is based on a true story. Sort of. The Grimes Sisters murder is a famous Chicago murder mystery that is unsolved to this day. The screenplay is based on my Dad's idea for a novel, which was pretty much Stir of Echoes with the Grimes Sisters. So I took out almost all supernatural elements. Right now, it's just his dream and his obsession.

A week before the Grime's Sisters were found, a man called the police telling them where and when the bodies will be found. He was right. He also had a clear alibi when the police questioned him. He said "He saw it in a dream."

Third: This is really for the Chicagoans. All the local references will make Chicagoans squeel. Kevin Demarbre has a characteristic in common with my dad: He won't drive Archer Ave. at night.
 
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A.M. Radio

Guest
#3
Notice I haven't updated this. Well, I haven't worked on it in forever. I will post what more I have later. I've been forced to write another screenplay, a complete on, within a short amount of time. I plan on finishing this one by the end of summer.

I have no intention to produce or direct this, merely sell it. I'm being forced to produce another film soon. I'll post more about that later.