To the citizens of the United States of America

Discussion in 'The Bathroom Wall' started by CamelPepper, Apr 24, 2007.

  1. CamelPepper

    CamelPepper Registered Member

    To the citizens of the United States of America,

    In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and
    thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
    resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other
    territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister
    (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until
    now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
    minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and
    the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year
    to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a
    British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate
    effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
    look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
    just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be
    reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
    'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
    spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
    affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
    will be replaced by the suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
    is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
    as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
    should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
    Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
    "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
    communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
    Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then
    you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary
    then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English," We will let Microsoft know on
    your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of
    the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
    really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
    upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to
    learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Monarch
    of the Glen" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
    about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
    England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
    Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
    Floridashire, Louisianashire.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
    good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
    characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
    will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who
    can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen,"
    but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
    confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
    football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
    The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
    may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
    longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
    Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
    game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
    (which is similar to American "football," but does not involve stopping for
    a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
    nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
    2009. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
    event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
    America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
    borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
    allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
    fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hot-dogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
    they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is
    a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
    have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "Shit."
    You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
    allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
    peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
    potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
    a vegetable peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
    national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
    good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
    road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
    on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
    immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
    and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
    are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85%
    of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
    aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
    chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
    animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
    served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
    customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
    tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
    doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
    at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be
    referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance
    will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American
    Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the
    exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product
    will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true
    Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
    Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
    will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2008) prices with the
    former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
    the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $8/US gallon
    -- get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
    therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
    you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by
    adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone
    or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

    Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
    ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your cooperation.
     

  2. ChinUp

    ChinUp ยค Breathe

    she will never be able to manage .. :p
     
  3. Two anti God folks laughing about a Queen bee ordained by the church to be in possession of royal blood taking over America... Now, that's funnny!

    Just how did that King and Queen thing get started?
     
  4. Iris

    Iris rainbow 11!

    lol! That's hilarious!
     
  5. Nevyrmoore

    Nevyrmoore AKA Ass-Bandit

    Seen this several times, still gets a titter from me.
     

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