to stay or go or idk..

Discussion in 'Dating & Relationships' started by irishbabe, Feb 1, 2010.

  1. irishbabe

    irishbabe New Member

    so my boyfriend and i have been dating for a few years and are planning on moving in together this coming fall. Now we have fought over just about anything a couple could fight about. Neither one of us has been unfaithful but lately i feel as if he doesnt get me. I mean the time we spend together is limited because hes away at school as i am attending a community college. its not a great distance but with our schedules we cant see each other during the week and its difficult for us to talk. when we see one another on some weekends its great but sometimes its irritating that we'll make plans and ill get ditched for whatever reason. Its hard for me because i feel as if i put so much in this relationship and i feel he doesnt put as much in. ive always made sure to let him know how much he means to me or how i much i appreciate him and am there for him. He doesnt seem to get me, when im feeling off about where we're going and how he feels. hes saying i love you less and less, and only wants to talk about what my dreams and goals are and then tear me down by saying things like "i dont challenge him"(what does that mean?) and he wants someone who has goals! i DO have goals!! and he knows what they are. i guess im just looking for a little insight. he loves me i know and i love him as well im just...confused.

  2. Bliss

    Bliss Sally Twit

    I wouldn't move in together just yet. You're having doubts about your relationship and he could be too. It would be a whole lot more complicated to break up if you were under the same roof. You just need to clear the air before that happens.
    I suggest you tell him you want to sit down and have a proper chat. Use it as a time to voice your concerns and let him voice his. If you really love each other then there's no reason that you can't work this out. You seem to be having a slight communication problem but it can soon be rectified. You just have to be willing to listen and he also needs to be willing to listen.
    You need to tell him that you feel you are putting more into the relationship than he is because that's a big problem and you'll be unhappy for a long time if it's to continue.

    Good luck!
  3. Wade8813

    Wade8813 Registered Member

    It sounds like you have a lot of different problems/possible problems that need to be broken down and dealt with separately.

    1. You're frustrated because your schedules are conflicted. This happens, and usually isn't anyone's fault. It's unfortunate, but you can deal with it.

    2. You make plans, but they fall through for various reasons (Does he explain why? Are they legitimate reasons?)

    3. You feel he doesn't put as much effort into the relationship. Do you have any specific examples?

    4. He says you don't challenge him, and that he wants someone who has goals. Ask him what he means when he says you don't challenge him. As far as goals - how specific are your goals? Are they completely generic goals that almost everyone has? Or are they specific to you?

    An example of a generic goal is "I want a career that makes me happy." Nothing wrong with that sentiment (it's the way I feel), but it's not much of a goal. Most people feel that way. An example of a more specific goal might be "I want to get my nursing degree so I can become an RN and hopefully work in a hospital"

    I agree, but you need to be careful here. Saying something like that can make him feel like you're accusing him. Try to provide examples if you can, so he knows your feeling is based on what's really happening, and not just emotions. Also, realize that if he's going through a particularly busy/tough time in his life, he might be putting less in right now just because he's preoccupied, or worn out.
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2010
    Bliss likes this.
  4. EllyDicious

    EllyDicious made of AMBIGUITY V.I.P. Lifetime

    this goals issue seems to be the reason why he's more distant...
    maybe he wants someone who knows what she wants and that's what you have to show him. i agree when Wade says you have to be more specific. According to what you say, your bf wants to spend the time with someone who has ambitions but during the time you've been together, [i guess] he realized you're not that someone. he wants to talk about YOUR goals because he has to know how firm you are about what you want. i guess he wants to live with someone who knows how to be independent.
    find time for each other to make things clear. [especially when you say you might move in together].
  5. irishbabe

    irishbabe New Member

    my goals are specific to me. im majoring in philosophy, volunteer with an organization to help abused children and i hope to open a child refuge in my area much like the chapters of chilhelp usa because they dont have one anywhere around there. hes known this. ive been practically on my own since i was 16. i know how to take care of myself and others. The "challenging" thing really bothers me and he has yet to give me an explanation. i think it may have been one of those things he said just to push my buttons and upset me..who knows.

    As for legitimate reasons.. no they arent. its lame excuses like i got caught up in my game or so and so called me to hang out and lost track of time. most of the time its understandable but when it is on a weekly basis it gets annoying.

    i have tried to talk to him about these things before and i still am but he has a thick skull and its almost impossible to have a discussion about what he's doing wrong or at least what i feel he is doing wrong(even with examples). To him, hes always right. How he thinks he feels everyone should think the same way, but thats not reality.
  6. Bliss

    Bliss Sally Twit

    Why should she show him she knows what she wants? Maybe she doesn't know herself. If he would really put someone down because they didn't know what they wanted out of life just yet then he isn't worth the time. I take it you're both quite young...
  7. EllyDicious

    EllyDicious made of AMBIGUITY V.I.P. Lifetime

    i don't know how old she is. ... but she said she does have goals and that he knows about it. though depends on what he's looking for and what he classifies as 'goals'. it's true, he may not be worth the time[and i didn't say he is] but i can understand his point of view from what i read here.
    personally, i wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't know what they want out of life.
    i mean can't get away with whatever comes your way. you gotta choose .
    personally i like ambitious and decided people who know what they want. if you are undecided about your life, then you are undecided about me ..being part of your life.
    i don't know how to put it in right words but it's part of some people's character to look for other people who have some goals in life. i'm not saying having goals is the most important thing, but obviously not something i'd be indifferent about.

    these being said, age matters. being 30 and not knowing what you want out of life, means you're a fucking retarded loser.


    it's like floating on air.
    why would i want a man like that?
  8. Bliss

    Bliss Sally Twit

    A fucking retarded loser? Wow, you have such a way with words. So I guess in your world when you hit 30 you have to be in a job you'll never leave and stick in the same role until you retire? Heaps of people of all ages are in unhappy jobs because they don't know what they want out of life.
  9. EllyDicious

    EllyDicious made of AMBIGUITY V.I.P. Lifetime

    no no. that's not what i meant. you may switch between 100 jobs because you know what you want and you know what point you want to get to.
    there are people who do lots of jobs for different reasons, and it doesn't mean they have no goals. actually, i like people who are able to not always stick with the same role for the whole life....
    if i want to become a lawyer but i work in a supermarket, doesn't mean i don't have goals in life. it means i can't find a proper job and i need more time and money til i get the chance to fix some things in my life and then do what i've been thinking about.. but at least...i know what i want to be in the future... i have an idea.
    Last edited: Feb 2, 2010
  10. Shooting_Palanx

    Shooting_Palanx The Rock is cooking atm..

    So being 30 and not knowing what you want makes you a "fucking retarded loser"?

    Awwww...Elly please think before you post :(
    Bliss likes this.

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