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The Book of Lies

Merc

Problematic Shitlord
V.I.P.
Just a poem I wrote during class one day. I kind of like it, which is rare with me.

----------------------------------------
There's a tome
Hidden within a jungle
High atop a mountain
In the grasp of a screaming man
Whose cage grew thorns
A book of lies to bleed his soul

There is a script
That was discovered in a library
A rural village in Europe
a lonely woman's cold hands found
Which when opened
consumed her mortal self
the book of lies swallowed her shallow mind

There is a book upon a shelf
In Mr. Harriet's home
Where his young son roamed
His minute hands telling him to try
and keep the dusty book for himself
To learn the things man does not know
To comprehend the shadows of the walls
To accept what we believe as wrong

The child
Undiluted of body and being
To free the collective spirit
Of an insane world
It is time child
To write the book of lies
and end this life
 
B

barfootboards

Guest
i like it too, which is also rare for me cuz im not into poetry ... couldnt tell u why i like it cuz i know nothing about literature, but ti does appeal to me
 
S

Sorayoushi

Guest
That's one... poem. I can't describe it. This poem gives me this scary feeling.
 

Merc

Problematic Shitlord
V.I.P.
Bumped!

Please, I'm starting a book of my poems and short stories and this is going to be in it! Any changes and fixes would be good!
 

Icyblackflame

Registered Member
Wow....I feel like I have to ask...

How old are you?

Sorry...I thought one age, then read one post, and was like no. Then I read another and you seem older than I thought, and I read another and you seem younger. And now you say you wrote something in class, which leaves me to assume that you're probably in High School or College. Hehe, sorry for that.

Anyway. Wow, I am so not into poetry it's not even funny. But I have to take a class on it as well as fiction (hurray for fiction!), and we had to workshop, so I know how to do this.

First off, I like the title. It draws people in, and it actually has something to do with the poem! Yippie!

Second, I think that this would be much better with puncuation. Knowing how you wnt it to be read can help with the intensity. You don't have to have it 'cause it's poetry, but it would help.

Thirdly, you switch tenses sometimes...and I'm wondering if that's intentional or accidental.

Fourthly, some lines seem kinda wordy to me, but I donno. I just think that some words need to be replaced and others cut, but I don't have any suggestions so...how helpful is that? (Sorry...I just don't feel lie thinking right now....)

Fifthly....Some lines I liked:

"To comprehend the shadows of the walls
To accept what we believe as wrong" (I absolutely love those)


"It is time child
To write the book of lies
and end this life" (That nistky keft me confused, but I still liked it)


Overall, I was confused with this poem, although I liked it. But don't take me seriously. As I've pointed out, I don't like poetry, and I seriously hate interpreting it. I am just a fiction girl living in a fiction world (hehe) and I ain't got no business here. Trust me, if you ever read any of my poetry, you'll be wondering why I think I have the right to critique yours.
-Icy
 
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