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That One Child

Dabs

Registered Member
Being a parent is a hard job, most folks who have children will tell you this. How close are you with your parents?
If you are not close with them, do you wish things could be different? In some families, there is that one child, that is the most difficult, I have one of those :sigh:

Some of you don't have children yet, but I'm one of the oldsters, and I have 4 children. Only 1 daughter, and the other 3 are boys. My daughter is the oldest, but she was definitely the hardest one to raise. She will be 33 in July. Then my next son in line will be 33 in June, then the next son will be 30 in June and my youngest son will turn 27 on May 18.
I have a great relationship with 2 of my sons. One son lives in another state, so we don't get to see each other that often. Well, in fact, the 2 sons that I am closest to, they also live in different towns from me, so none of them are close living range.
My daughter however, hates my fucking guts (her words not mine). She chose a path that I did not approve of, and I took her daughter away and she still has not changed to this day. For Christmas, I received a text message from her, it read: the best christmas gift i can get, is to hear u have gotten in a car wreck and died and i hope u rot in hell.
Needless to say, we are not close. At times, it doesn't cross my mind. But other times, it bothers me, a lot. I wonder where "I" went wrong. How did I mess up with raising her. She always claims I was never there for her, but that's bullshit. She married a piece of shit, neither one of them worked, and I was paying their rent to keep a roof over their damn heads! But, everything is my fault. 2 of my sons have 'disowned' her, they don't have anything to do with her. But the bottom line is, she is still MY daughter, always will be. But I honestly don't think she will change. She tried to stab me once with a pair of scissors. Many times in fact, if it hadn't been for one of my sons, I probably wouldn't be here, she would have seriously or fatally injured me. I feel silly to admit, but I'm a little scared of her to this day, I know what she is capable of.
Anyway, I wish my relationship with her were better, but I don't expect any miracles soon. I was very close to my own Mother, we had a great bond, so for that, I'm happy :)
Anyone else have anything to add? How close you may be with your Mom and Dad? Or maybe how you wish you were closer to them?
 

Raos

Registered Member
Raising kids is not easy at all. That is for sure. I am just in the beginning phase of it too. My daughter is 6 and my son is 3.5. My daughter is the more difficult to raise right now. When she was younger though she was a breeze. Around 3 is when she started to get more and more difficult. I think part of the problem is at she is very smart. I know most parents will say that of their kids, but she is easily the smartest kid in her class. She is in kindergarten and is already reading at a 5th grade level. She gives herself homework for fun. For as smart as she is though she does have her issues. She is a very jealous girl. If we sat ANYTHING to her brother we HAVE to say the exact same thing to her too. If we tell her brother how handsome he is we inevitably hear "what about me? Aren't I handsome?".

My son is much easier so far. He gets very emotional and has a temper, but it is quick to settle. He will cry at the drop of a hat, but will calm down right away too.

Wen have a great relationship with both kids so far. I just hope that lasts.
 

stripes

Registered Member
From the daughter side, not that close at all.
My Dad, I only met for the first time four years ago. We meet up occasionally, and he and his side of the family are lovely people, but we're more like acquaintances or distant friends than close relatives. My Mum, I'm pretty much not in contact with - we occasionally exchange formal updates by e-mail. I cut contact with her and her husband a couple of years ago, and though I would prefer to keep vague contact with her (and so with my siblings), I don't want to know her husband. Unfortunately, she doesn't understand that at all and it causes issues.

My partner's very close to his family, though. He calls his mum and his sister almost every day, and contacts them to tell them most things that happen in his life. His mum and his sister live together, and are like best friends.

Looking at his family from the outside in, I don't really understand that either. I'm not close with my family, like I say, but also not sure I'd want to be - it seems a big strange to me. Guess it depends on your upbringing!
 

EllyDicious

made of AMBIGUITY
V.I.P.
God, Dabs! I can't believe your daughter wished to see you dead and moreover she was explicit about it.
You say you have done what you could to help her, yet she's not greatful to you.
I'm very sorry to hear about this relationship with your daughter.
There have been times when I wished my father was dead but then I have immediately changed my mind. When I'm angry there are a lot of negative thoughts that cross my mind but I have never really been serious about them.

As I have said in my last blog, I'm not very close to my father, I have told him awful things in the past, I've always wanted him to fade away ... but deep down inside, I figured out.. that's not what I really want.

The heartache that children give their parents is not compared to any other heartache out there. I guess, to parents, their child is happiness and torment at the same time.
 

Dabs

Registered Member
Thanks Elly, and others, for listening. I have never mentioned this part of my life before, because I feel like it's mainly my fault she turned out the way she did. I did try to help her, many times. But she was using me. And everything that has gone wrong in her life, she blames me, it's all my fault. After a while, you get rather sick of hearing it, you know. I don't get it, I don't understand her. I probably never will. I always felt I was a good Mother, my sons tell me I was, am. My daughter always throws in my face the fact that my Mother and I had a wonderful relationship. But I have to remind my daughter that I never resorted to drugs (we're talking bad drugs, not simple pot) and I have much respect for my Mother, something which my daughter has never had for me. I just feel lost concerning her.
I know what it feels like to think you hate a parent, or not be very close to one. But damn, I would have never said or done to my SF, some of the things my daughter says to me.
 
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MAgnum9987

Do What Thou Wilt
I'm not a parent, and don't hope to be for a long time. But I have a close relationship with my parents, and I love them dearly. They have always supported them and I am always trying to help them out, and always will be. My dad likes to gripe to me about his inlaws (my grandparents), and I always go to him for advise or ideas. I always go to my mother for help and she always wants to involve me in some of her activities, like cooking, even gardening sometimes.
 

Jeanie

still nobody's bitch
V.I.P.
It doesn't sound to me like it's your fault, Dabs. I mean you haven't included much detail at all, but it sounds to me like she doesn't have a conscience. I'm sorry that you have to bear that burden.

I'm fairly close to both of my parents. I don't talk to my dad as often as I should, but we have a good relationship. I talk to my mom almost every day.
 

shelgarr

Registered Member
Some kids are just born into the wrong family, Dabs. They're not a match from the start and no adapting to them or help toward them willl fix it. It's just like when you meet another person where personalties clash and you're completely incompatible. That can happen between kids/parents or siblings. I can vouch for that! I was one of those.

With my two, my daughter is easier and funner. She is forgiving and easy going. Her personality is very much like my husband's side of the family. My son is irritable and antagonistic. It makes him sassy and stubborn. He saves all this for inside the home and especially for me, his Mom. My gift with him though is that he is responsible and respects rules of sports and school. He is extremely conscienscious with honesty and integrity. In these ways I can admire him even though he seems annoyed most the time. I've noticed with boys that the best way to get into a conversation is to talk about anything that isn't personal. I try to do that as much as possible. I'll go to guy movies with him too. We give each other back rubs. Our version of affection is to have air sword fights, and punch each other on the arm.
 

ysabel

/ˈɪzəˌbɛl/ pink 5
Dabs that's horrible!

I'm ok with my mom. I'm the only one honest with her even if it hurts. Since my older sister didn't grow up with her (she grew up with my grandma), I spent more time with her than my sis or my half-siblings (sis and bro). It's just that in the past year our relationship was strained because of a faux pas she made that she hasn't apologised for.

With my kids, my eldest (boy) is very close to me and very sensitive and diplomatic. My middle daughter is the one that looks like me the most but she has a weird personality and she's daddy's girl. My youngest, well she's sweet and a clown. Ever since their dad and I separated I can tell my middle D misses him a lot. She's also the fave of her grandparents. So when my ex picks them up for vaca, she runs out excited and doesn't even say bye to me. When they come back, my two kids would run to hug me saying they missed me. My middle D just walks in, doesn't even say hi. Ugh. That hurts me. They're 8, 4 and 3 and I worry about the type of relationship we'll have when they're older.
 

Impact

Well-Known Member
V.I.P.
I'm sorry about your daughter, Dabs. Like Jeanie said, although you were quite vague it doesn't sound like you were a bad mother, especially as you have a good relationship with your other kids. My foster grandparents have a similar situation with one of their daughters. Two turned out fine, but the third is just...not all there I guess. She uses them, distances herself from everyone in the family. She's is/was a drug user, made bad decisions, etc. None of that were her parents fault though, that's all on her and I think the same thing could be said for your daughter. Yes, it sucks but it really isn't your fault.

As for me. Well, I'm that problem child, the black sheep of the family so to speak. I was never close with my father, I moved out at 15 and didn't speak to him for 5 years. I only started being on speaking terms with him again in the past year, but I doubt we will ever be close. I've come to terms with the decisions he made regarding me, accepted my part of the blame and moved on. For a long time I did wish all sorts of horrible things on him, but there's no point holding onto that.

As for my mother, we aren't close either. I only really met her for the first time when I was 16, and we've only spent time together in the past 8 or so months really. Even though I know she's my mother, she'll never seem like it. I guess she's more like an aunt, or I dunno, family friend than anything else. She wasn't there when I needed the support, and even if that is selfish because she physically couldn't be there, it's not something i'll get past.

At the end of the day, just because someone is related by blood to you, doesn't mean you will get along with them.
 
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