So many of my friends think he's amazing, that he's like, the best comedian they've ever heard. I even know people that think he's better than George Carlin (those people are idiots). He has a very juvenile brand of humor, which isn't bad, it just gets old rather quick. His general randomness is his bright point in my opinion.
The first time me and my friends heard him, we were driving back down the coast on a road trip (two summers ago), and we were laughing so hard we had to pull the car over so we wouldn't crash. I think that's the funniest he ever was though...
I've heard a medi file that's dane cook about meeting girls at clubs and dancing and i was laughing so much it hurt.
Dane: You never see a guy go up to his friend and say; Hey listen Mike, Micheal, tonight...i'm gonna dance! What chicks? No, fuck chicks dude, i wanna dance! I wanna express myself through the art of dance...i don't wanna see a chick!
^ makes me laugh everytime! XD He's good, i like him!
I'm standing beside this guy, I don't know this man, never met him before in my life or in a past life, I can sense this. Standing next to this man, never met him before. He turns towards me and he sneezes like this, he goes: FUUUHH!!! He actually did like the robot from 85. FUUUHH! Yea, He turns TOWARDS me and he sneezed and there was no blockage, there was no hand or the mouth. There was no barrier, there's no the thing where to try to make somebody run away like your about to turn into a warewolf. "Hey.... somethings... happening to me." Nothin. No, he just cocked and FUUUHH!!! Two things happened, it just scared the ever living out of me. I jumped cause it was very audible, very loud. But besides that, just the way the light was hitting this guys face, debris came out. Alot of stuff, almost like when you use windex and you put it on mist mode, as opposed to what is that other mode? Laser mode? Does anybody even use that? As in the case you wanna mount a sniper scope on your windex. "I got a stain about 8 clicks. I am taking the shot. Negative, I missed. I missed the target. I need one more. Got it. Let's go home boys. I'm gunna tell you now, please, whenever you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here, don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here's gunna go home tonight and go "Hold on, I gotta try this shit, hold on. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see. What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it "AHAHAHA AAHAHAHA! HE TOLD YOU NOT TO!! AHAHAHA I AM WINDEXTOR, I WILL CLEAN YOUR SOUL! AHAHA!" He sneezed. Debris. Movement. Ok now at this point I'm disgusted and I'm grossed out, I'm grossed out by it. And at first I think "I'm gunna go off on this guy."
And then I decided, "Wait a second Dane... don't do that, take the high road, try to be polite." So I turned to him, and this is what I said. I looked at him and I went "uh... God Bless you." Yeah. I said it like that, I said it like "God Bless you." Which, you know, is God Bless you, but it kind of sounded like "cover your fucking mouth." Yeah. Incognito. I turned to the guy, I say "God Bless you" by the way when somebody sneezes. I don't say "bless you" I don't say that because.. I'm not the Lord. I can't do that. I'm just a messenger for Big Guns up stairs, you know what I'm saying. And I never go with "gezundheit" I don't know who even says that. If I say "gezundheit" I feel like I'm honoring Hitler like I should be like "gezundheit!!" I end up on the history channel cause the guy sneezed. God Bless You. This is what guy comes back with, this is where it starts to get out of control. Guy looks at me, and very condescending, He goes "*sniff uh... yea.. I'm an atheist." Yea, what a jerk right? I'm trying to be polite, I don't know you're an atheist, and even if I did, what am I supposed to say when an atheist sneezed, "Uh, when you die nothing happens." SO now, I start getting into like a religious debate with this guy. And it is awful, he's questioning my beliefs, "Well what about you, what did you grow up?" And I say "Well I was raised Catholic, I was raised Catholic and" ::crowd cheers:: "Peace be with you..... and also with you... lift up your hearts." As I'm telling him about my religious background he is laughing at me. He is laughing at me, he is giggling. He's like "You believe this? This is ha ha. ha aw.." Now for his own entertainment, he says to me "Let me ask you this. What do you believe happens to you after you die?" And I said, "Well, ok um. Hopefully I live a good life and my soul goes to heaven. And when I get there, all of my ancestors will be waiting for me like it's an airport. "Hey! What's up? Guess who's dead sucker, Ahaha! Come here.. come here, float over here, check this out." I'm telling him this, he's laughing even more. He's so condescending, he's so snarky with his fucking attitude. Yea, snarky. It's a word. Google that shit, it exists. I'm not kidding, snarky, it's a great word.
Google magic my friends. ::random tangent on typing:: So he's laughing at my beliefs, and finally I just snap and I go "What about you? Ok, what about you? Alright. What happens to you? You're an atheist, what does that mean? What happens to you after you die?" Now he gets very serious, like he's going to school me. Ok. He looks and he goes "Oh I can tell you young man. I can tell you. I know what's going to happen to me after I die. After I pass on, my body will become one with this earth. From there, I will become a fertilizer for this planet. And with that, I will return as a huge beautiful tree." That's what this guy believes. He's laughing at me, he's gunna come back as a fucking ficus, Johnny Weeping Willow over here. I wanted to slam this guy so bad for this, right. But then I stopped. I stopped, you guys please hear me out. I let it sink in and I want you to as well. I hope when he dies he does become a tree. I hope he's in the middle of the wilderness. And he's doin his tree thing, whatever it is trees do. I know they do alot of work with breezes. And wouldn't it be fantastic if while he was out there just enjoying his treeness, thru the woods a huge sweaty guy with an axe comes along.
Sees him. ::Sawing sound:: Chops him down. SMASH! Put a chain around him, drag him through the mud and the muck, throw him into a saw mill, grind him up. NEEEEEEH ::Saw mill sound:: Then you pound him down into paper. Once he's paper, you print the Bible on him.