Only a matter of weeks ago I was the most miserable I had ever been, I wasn't being abused, beat up, a sex toy. I wasn't being made to perform lurid acts, I was safe, I was secure, yet even though this wasn't happening to me why was I the most miserable I have been in my life, what was missing as surely I should have had everything that I had ever wanted, just to be safe? Then something happened, something extraordinary, this is the only word I can use to describe it. Something changed, a man walked into my life, the most incredible man I have ever met, I wasn't expecting it and most definitely not in the way it happened. The internet is a strange place and I never expected to find what I did, things like this don't happen to a girl like me. I fell in love, a passionate, intense, crazy, strong love, something that I only ever felt when I was asleep. It's not lust, well there is lust there but it runs so much deeper than that, I can't describe it but those of you who have felt it before, will know what that connection feels like, the connection on every possible level. You may think I am stupid, crazy, childlike, however you want to describe it, but I know in my heart that this is the real deal this time, I never thought it was possible to feel this strongly, this intensely for somebody over the internet, we have never even met so it is crazy and I have tried and tried to get my head around this, work my feelings out, I have gone through every possible outcome, every possible reason for why this is happened and the only conclusion I have come up with is that love is uncontrollable, its manic, its powerful and you cannot find a reason for it, it just happens, you just have to let it happen. I want people to feel jealous of me for once, jealousy is something I can't abide, in fact I hate it. I don't like it when people say they are jealous of me because of what my appearance is , hell you don't know me, you don't know my life and what it is, only when you can understand you will realize there is absolutly nothing to be jealous of. But yes now I want you to be jealous, not for shallow reasons but because I have found something perfect, something true, something that makes me want to live my life, something that has given me inner power, I feel strong, ready to live my life again, to take a chance, I don't want to be miserable any more, I know there is more to life. When I wake up, I hold onto every moment, isn't this what life is all about? So be jealous of what I have found and if you haven't ever had these feeling that I wish you could experience them. This is who I am, I have found me after all this time, I still cannot love myself but I am sure it will come with time, my crazy life is beginning to take shape. I am guessing you will think I am stupid and deluded and I am also guessing you might be thinking that a crazy bpd like me is just infatuated, that I can't possibly be in love. I know the difference between lust, love and infatuation, so whatever you may think (ahhh its so good to say this) I don't actually give a damn, and my, I have never, ever been able to say that in my life. A couple of you have told me that internet relationships cannot work, this one will, we are plannig our future its that serious. When you have felt pain like I have then you turely know and understand what love is. If it doesn't work out (which I highly doubt) then I will accept that but for now I am going to enjoy it, we promised forever and this time I beleive it. I am just happy, I want to tell the whole world about it, how much I love this amazing man so I have made a start by telling you. I love this forum and all of it's members, you are all so kind so thank you for helping me. Also I am sorry this is rather long, also my spell checked stopped working half way through so that's why there are mistakes. Talk to you all soon, I love you guys!