Discuss Stupid Is As Stupid Says

[Taliesin]

I've just had some correspondence where someone has pointed out something that I needed to be reminded of. I've had it said to me before but it's still a thing that needs to be worked on. This is what they wrote:

The stupidest thing you do is call yourself stupid.

Yes, it stung a wee bit, but they actually have a point. There's a context to this statement that I won't bore you with, and they certainly didn't blurt this out just to be mean. Quite simply, what I'm reading is that pointing out how stupid you think you are all the time is in no way becoming. Or helpful. To anyone.

I do this all the time. It's become ingrained. I talk about myself in very disparaging terms, and I'm well aware that it puts a lot of people off wanting to be around me. In fact, I have to wonder if I do this on purpose as a way to sabotage any relationships/friendships before they can happen. And if I do, do I do this out of some weird notion of self preservation or what?

I started this thread as a means to discussing this - not about me personally but about the self destructive ways in which we can talk about ourselves. Tell me, does anyone else here do this? Do you cut yourselves down before anyone else can do it? What has been the outcome at times when you've done this? Why do you think you do it? Or do you know someone else who does this? Does it make you want to puke all over them in loathing and disgust?

 

[Danno]

Here's the last FB status I wrote:

Let's see who I'll get to dislike me tomorrow. Seems I'm on a roll the past few months

I work every single day with your student type person who mostly have a very positive approach towards life...me, not so much. Just last night someone told me I have a bad attitude towards life. I don't show this at work, I make a point of not doing that, so why would she think that?

I have days of self-loathing and I'm not really comfortable in my own skin. I don't know why I feel the need to point it out before anybody else does though, it's strange. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to agree with me or maybe I'm waiting for someone to slap me and say "Look, you're talking shit"

 

[Hilander]

I don't do it everyday but sometimes I find myself saying how could you do something that stupid or how could you be so dumb. It usually comes after I do something I feel was dumb though.

I know someone that does cut themselves down and its really not healthy to do that to yourself. If you do it enough you will start to believe it. I have a feeling they were cut down by others or someone important to them a lot. Now they do this because they have heard it so much that is the way they see themselves. In reality the person that says stuff like this to others is the stupid one not to mention inconsiderate.

We all do things at times that might not make us feel all that bright. That's just being human but we aren't stupid.

 

[Taliesin]

Here's the last FB status I wrote:

Let's see who I'll get to dislike me tomorrow. Seems I'm on a roll the past few months

Ouch. This hits close to home. It's exactly the kind of thing I've been known to do from time to time. And, you know what, it actually becomes a self fulfilling prophecy in a weird, twisted kind of way. I've managed to make a whole mess of people dislike me over the years. I mean, sure, there are always going to be those who dislike me simply because they can, but I'm talking about all those instances when I know it was my attitude and actions that caused it.

I work every single day with your student type person who mostly have a very positive approach towards life...me, not so much. Just last night someone told me I have a bad attitude towards life. I don't show this at work, I make a point of not doing that, so why would she think that?

I find such people to be totally exhausting to be around, even though I find their outlook on life to be a rather attractive one. And I try not to show a bad attitude towards life either, but I do wonder if my negativity still finds a way to show through... almost like some kind of soul sapping "aura" that people pick up on.

I have days of self-loathing and I'm not really comfortable in my own skin. I don't know why I feel the need to point it out before anybody else does though, it's strange. Maybe I'm waiting for someone to agree with me or maybe I'm waiting for someone to slap me and say "Look, you're talking shit"

It sounds like you have the same compulsion for sabotaging relationships. I find that I have such a low opinion of myself that it naturally translates into a distrust of other people and their intentions towards me. Honestly, that seriously needs to change, otherwise I'll die a sad, lonely man. Yeesh.

I don't do it everyday but sometimes I find myself saying how could you do something that stupid or how could you be so dumb. It usually comes after I do something I feel was dumb though.

See, I've known a few people who are quite happy to sink the boot in when they see that you've been stupid, and it makes no difference to them if you were stupid on purpose or accidentally. I do think we have a bit of a culture today of kicking someone while they're down, and being quite self righteous about it. I wonder if that's why some of us are quick to point out our deficiencies - real or imagined - as a way of beating them to it.

I know someone that does cut themselves down and its really not healthy to do that to yourself. If you do it enough you will start to believe it. I have a feeling they were cut down by others or someone important to them a lot. Now they do this because they have heard it so much that is the way they see themselves. In reality the person that says stuff like this to others is the stupid one not to mention inconsiderate.

This kinda feeds into my previous point, I think. Would we all be so on the defensive if we all were a little less mean to one another about our mistakes, and just a little more gracious and understanding? It seems like an impossible ideal really.

We all do things at times that might not make us feel all that bright. That's just being human but we aren't stupid.

Mistakes are sometimes the best way to learn something, that's for sure, so in that sense, I agree with you.

 

[wolfheart]

Yes I can and do put myself down before others can, it has become like a defence mechanism for me.
My main problem is self confidence,so I find myself agreeing with people,most that I don't know about certain aspects of myself.

I have had a rather large telling off in the pub for this, my daughter worked there for a time and someone told me she is very pretty, my instant answer was yes she is,cause she got her looks from her mum not an ugly b#####d like me.
I have a very low opinion of my physical features, I know I'm not a male model and people have told me I'm not bad looking, but what I see when I look in a mirror is the breaks and scars I have,and I think how can that be attractive.

For the longest the time I waste self conscious of this that I would go out of my way to avoid situations where looks or appearance where being spoken of.

I have got a lot better at dealing with this now, a few people have said that it was stupid to think like that, I simply told them that unless they live in my head they have no idea what's going on in there.

My other main pushdown of myself is friends,or rather people who want to become a friend, I have a hard time trusting in the real world,as people have abused my trust in the past.
I've had a few people say to me you are a really nice guy,let's hangout or have a drink sometime.
I feel almost obligated to point out that I'm not what they think,I'm untrusting and have a past that far from seller,so they would be better off not knowing me.
Two such people,as far removed from my background as can be,never gave up on the idea of befriending me,it took months of them slowly coaxing my trust and they are now two of the best friends I have made in recent years,all because they refused to believe the detrimental things I can say about myself.

 

[Taliesin]

Yes I can and do put myself down before others can, it has become like a defence mechanism for me.
My main problem is self confidence,so I find myself agreeing with people,most that I don't know about certain aspects of myself.

I'm quick to agree too. It's kind of easier that way, but ultimately false really, isn't it.

I have had a rather large telling off in the pub for this, my daughter worked there for a time and someone told me she is very pretty, my instant answer was yes she is,cause she got her looks from her mum not an ugly b#####d like me.
I have a very low opinion of my physical features, I know I'm not a male model and people have told me I'm not bad looking, but what I see when I look in a mirror is the breaks and scars I have,and I think how can that be attractive.

I hear you. My appearance is something I still have not come to terms with. I want to though. So what if my face is misshapen. So what if my eyelids are wonky and make me look like I'm a vagrant on drugs. It's not the end of the world. People still like me (or try to). Would it kill me to get over this already? And yet... :-/

As for the trust thing, I do tend to swing wildly from one extreme to another in that I'll sometimes trust the wrong people all to easily, and I won't trust someone that I really should at all. I'm tempted to say that I'm pretty stupid that way, but that's kinda the point of this whole thread I suppose.

 

[Hilander]

I'm quick to agree too. It's kind of easier that way, but ultimately false really, isn't it.

I hear you. My appearance is something I still have not come to terms with. I want to though. So what if my face is misshapen. So what if my eyelids are wonky and make me look like I'm a vagrant on drugs. It's not the end of the world. People still like me (or try to). Would it kill me to get over this already? And yet... :-/

As for the trust thing, I do tend to swing wildly from one extreme to another in that I'll sometimes trust the wrong people all to easily, and I won't trust someone that I really should at all. I'm tempted to say that I'm pretty stupid that way, but that's kinda the point of this whole thread I suppose.

I use to agree with people just to get along and I guess at times I still will if what I'm agreeing to isn't anything of importance.

I think a lot of people have trusted people they shouldn't have. I'm also guilty of that one and asked myself how could I be so stupid especially when they had already proven to me I couldn't.

 

[Elanor]

I can relate to most of this thread. I am very good at realising everything I am bad at, or that is wrong with my personality, but I always struggle when thinking about what my strengths are. Unless being good at alienating people and pushing them away is a strength :lol:

At work, whenever I am called to the office I always assume I have done something wrong, of course usually I haven't, but the first thing that will come out of my mouth is "what have I done?". It is the same with my Mum, if she needs to talk to me.

I am just very good at focussing on what I am not good at, rather than what I am. I think that is why I haven't moved up the career ladder yet, I have the knowledge and experience for management/supervisor level, yet I am not at the stage.

It is not an easy thing to get over. I am much better than I used to be, but I am still stuck with my own lack of self-esteem and confidence.

 

[Taliesin]

I use to agree with people just to get along and I guess at times I still will if what I'm agreeing to isn't anything of importance.

Same here. For example, if it's someone saying that a certain TV show or movie I like is a useless sack of crap then I'll just let it be. There are more important things to be butting heads over (if butting of heads is required).

I think a lot of people have trusted people they shouldn't have. I'm also guilty of that one and asked myself how could I be so stupid especially when they had already proven to me I couldn't.

I believe in second chances, and third chances, and fourth, and... well, you get the point I'm sure. While this can be a good thing in some cases (some people take a long time to come good), it can also sometimes be a self destructive thing. Sometimes you are better off cutting your losses and getting away from certain people altogether, if only for your own mental and emotional well being.

I can relate to most of this thread. I am very good at realising everything I am bad at, or that is wrong with my personality, but I always struggle when thinking about what my strengths are. Unless being good at alienating people and pushing them away is a strength :lol:

I wonder why we have such a hard time focusing on our strengths? And I know for me it's almost like I actively avoid doing that in favour of running myself into the ground even more. It's like I'm purposely holding my own head underwater until one day I finally drown. It's nuts.

At work, whenever I am called to the office I always assume I have done something wrong, of course usually I haven't, but the first thing that will come out of my mouth is "what have I done?". It is the same with my Mum, if she needs to talk to me.

Yes! We always jump to the worst conclusions, as if nothing good can ever come from us or our actions.

I am just very good at focussing on what I am not good at, rather than what I am. I think that is why I haven't moved up the career ladder yet, I have the knowledge and experience for management/supervisor level, yet I am not at the stage.

I see what you're saying. You have the skills and the ability, but not the mindset that will help you to see it through, yes?

It is not an easy thing to get over. I am much better than I used to be, but I am still stuck with my own lack of self-esteem and confidence.

I have to wonder if this is actually quite normal for a lot of people. And by normal I don't mean that it is in any way good or desirable... just that it's a common baseline for most of us.

 

[Elanor]

I wonder why we have such a hard time focusing on our strengths? And I know for me it's almost like I actively avoid doing that in favour of running myself into the ground even more. It's like I'm purposely holding my own head underwater until one day I finally drown. It's nuts.

I wish I knew. I just find it easier to focus on what I am not good at. Maybe it is because if I fail at something I can say to myself "told you so".

Yes! We always jump to the worst conclusions, as if nothing good can ever come from us or our actions.

At least then we are not disappointed

I see what you're saying. You have the skills and the ability, but not the mindset that will help you to see it through, yes?

That's about right. I lack the belief in myself to move forward. I always find it odd that people would listen to me or look up to me in a leadership role.

I have to wonder if this is actually quite normal for a lot of people. And by normal I don't mean that it is in any way good or desirable... just that it's a common baseline for most of us.

I think that a lot of people suffer from a lack of self-belief/confidence and often make up for it in various ways. Feeling 'stupid' can lead to so many things like depression, eating disorders etc. It can run so deep within a person, and I think the majority of people could be capable of it, but some can deal it differently to people who succumb. Then there are the people who are able to fake being out-going, confident people, but are really lonely and think that being themselves isn't enough.

I have no idea if the last paragraph makes any sense, but I am not sure how else to word it.