[Story] The Harbinger

Discussion in 'Art & Creative' started by Merc, Sep 8, 2009.

  1. Merc

    Merc Certified Shitlord V.I.P. Lifetime

    Okay, so I've been working on this story for over three years now. I've been trying to work it into a novel and I think I have the beginning panned out. I'm going to post just a bit of it so tell me what you think. It's a fantasy story revolving heavily around magic, artifacts, and the supernatural.

    Without further adieu . . .


    The Harbinger: Sewer of Sorrow
    By Brian Kelley


    I'll never forget it, the first time I touched my palm to the wet, leafy floor of the woods and felt the heart of the world, beating rhythmically alongside the thundering sky. I looked into the depths of the darkened heavens above me thick with rain and the splashing of pebbles of water across my face tested my resilience. The earth wanted me to listen, it was begging my attention, the attention it hadn't received since millenia before the Great Moren Wars. I pushed my hand a bit deeper into the mud and soil, feeling the granules of dirt and debris of the forest floor hug my fingers as they sunk below the surface. The further I went, the more memories of the land were revealed to me. My mind raced, my heart burned, I wanted to move away. I knew this must be what an overflowing pot feels like.

    Good, that's good hold on, Eric, my grandfather cheered from behind me. Let the energies of the land flow into you, feel its pain, sorrow, joys, and darkness, understand its rage and desires. Terrics can sense the world around them in a way no one else can. You are blessed to have this gift as you a gift yourself to your people to bring this talent to them as if Aeo himself wanted to speak his blessings through you.

    I hadn't heard the last few words he spoke, my body was trembling as the ethereal streams of bright green light swirling up from the ground slowly like vines and wrapping around my forearm, stinging and tight to the touch. They reached my elbow and seemed to push into my skin. Pain was not what I felt, but a heat, a strong heat and discomfort that shot up my arm and into my spine. I didn't want this, not anymore. The pain was too growing and my mind rejected any more knowlege.

    Hold on Eric, just a bit more you're doing fantastic! Brilliant really, just hold on a few minutes more, try to get past this layer and into the very center of the soul of Aeo, the creator, the Earth itself!

    I wanted him to go away. My emotions began spinning in circles, I wanted him dead, I wanted to die, I could see my city, Dreyvin, in flames and my family perished. I saw the world barren and blank and the sky pale. My eyes welled with tears, I didn't want this world to go but the planet was crying, telling me its future, it's present, and its past, all at once.

    Eyes sealed shut in agony, my mind was approaching breaking point when I felt my arm break free of the slithering ropes of light. My whole body became lighter and my mind became a calm stream of thought. It felt as if there was no longer any mud but that my hand was submerged in a warm broth, something pleasant and inviting. It was then that I realized I had done it, my mind had forged a connection to Aeo, the soul of the Earth. I sensed his divine spirit and with light flicks of my fingers, could prod through the history of Dreyvin's Woods where I sat in now pleasant silence with my grandfather whom I could not sense anymore. This connection seemed to disconnect my mind from the physical world. I knew I was still there, but my mind had exited and entered another realm.

    It's time to go.

    Wait, I want to see, I want to know more!

    Later.
     

  2. Tucker

    Tucker Lion Rampant

    You definitely have a marketable skill in writing and I would encourage you to pursue it to the hilt.

    If this were a complete stranger's piece and I were giving it a comprehensive edit, I might make the following notations (and it's "further ado," if you're interested):


    The Harbinger: Sewer of Sorrow
    By Brian Kelley


    [Note: There is a recently published novel called The Harbinger. As yours would be confused with that book's (upcoming) sequel, be prepared when asked for an alternative title.]


    I'll never forget it, the first time I touched my palm to the wet, leafy floor of the woods and felt the heart of the world, beating rhythmically alongside the thundering sky. I looked into the depths of the darkened heavens above me[,] thick with rain[,] and the [resist the "and"! minimize your run-ons!] splashing of pebbles of water [hard water?] across my face tested my resilience. The earth wanted me to listen, [;] it was begging my attention, the attention it hadn't received since millenia [millennia] before the Great Moren Wars. I pushed my hand a bit deeper into the mud and soil, feeling the granules of dirt and debris of the forest floor hug my fingers as they [subject is granules, not fingers] sunk [sank] below the surface. The further [farther]I went, the more memories of the land were revealed to me. [colloquial grammar, aka 'phone-in'] My mind raced, my heart burned, I wanted to move away. I knew this must be what an overflowing pot feels like. [good imagery, but lackluster ending "looks like" begs artful rephrase]

    Good, that's good hold on, Eric,[punc.] my grandfather cheered from behind me. Let the energies of the land flow into you, [; ] [this is also one of those run-ons] feel its pain, sorrow, joys, and darkness, understand its rage and desires. Terrics can sense the world around them in a way no one else can. You are blessed to have this gift as you a gift yourself to your people to bring this talent to them [incoherent] as if Aeo himself wanted to speak his blessings through you.

    [that's a pretty long cheer; are you sure you don't mean that he encouraged?]

    I hadn't heard the last few words he spoke, my body was trembling as the [strike if action was unexpected] ethereal streams of bright green light swirling up from the ground slowly [move "slowly" to replace redundant "up"] like vines and wrapping around my forearm, stinging and tight to the touch. They reached my elbow and seemed to push into my skin. Pain was not what I felt, but a heat, a strong heat and discomfort that shot up my arm and into my spine. I didn't want this, not anymore. The pain was too growing [too growing?] and my mind rejected any more knowlege. [typo]

    Hold on Eric, just a bit more you're [punc.] doing fantastic! Brilliant[,]really, just hold on a few minutes more, try to get past this layer and into the very center of the soul of Aeo, the creator, [how you gonna put four commas in a row?] the Earth itself!

    I wanted him to go away. My emotions began spinning in circles, I wanted him dead, I wanted to die, I could see my city, Dreyvin, in flames and my family perished. [how you gonna put five commas in a row?] I saw the world barren and blank and the sky pale. [see how much smoother that sentence goes down?] My eyes welled with tears, I didn't want this world to go but the planet was crying, telling me its future, it's present, and its past, [strike comma] all at once. ["all at once" is again a mundane coda - genuises shouldn't phone in the cappers]

    Eyes sealed shut in agony, my mind [your eyes are yours, not your mind's] was approaching breaking point when I felt my arm break [repetitive] free of the slithering ropes of light. My whole body became lighter and my mind became [repetitive; change second, unless the mind disappeared and morphed into pure thought] a calm stream of thought. It felt as if there was no longer any mud but that my hand was submerged in a warm broth, something pleasant and inviting. It was then that I realized I had done it, my mind had forged a connection to Aeo, the soul of the Earth. I sensed his divine spirit and with light flicks of my fingers, [strike comma]could prod through [one doesn't] the history of Dreyvin's Woods where I sat in now pleasant silence with my grandfather whom I could not sense anymore. [how would you know that you were still with him?] This connection seemed to disconnect [repetitive] my mind from the physical world. I knew I was still there, but my mind had exited and [redundant] entered another realm.

    ["mind" was used five times in the preceding paragraph]

    It's time to go. [who speaks? Aeo or Grampy?]

    Wait, I want to see, I want to know more!

    Later. [will be read like "Later, dude." by a percentage. "No. Later." might be one disambiguating alternative]


    [main strength: compelling story from a rich imagination]

    [main weakness: overreaching within sentences better cut into two or three. Character development also missing (or perhaps latent) - I didn't find a reason to care what happens to protag]

    [Q to auth.: Why italics, with standard text denoting dialogue?]
     
    Rebeccaaa likes this.
  3. Merc

    Merc Certified Shitlord V.I.P. Lifetime

    Thanks for the review Tuck.

    I will admit that was not proofread, I wrote it on the spot. I've been trying for some time to pen the beginning to this huge story I've been outlining and constructing and I decided the best course of action would be to just dive into it. To answer your question, I used italics because that seems to be the new standard to denote thought, in this case, Eric's train of thought. I kept the grandfather's comments in standard to separate them.

    I realize the character development was weak, but that's because it's the beginning of the story and this scene was cut short due to me writing it during work :lol:

    I wanted it to be a bit vague and a bit confusing but after Eric withdraws his hand and returns to a more conscious state of mind, there's more interaction with him and his grandfather and certainly things that will shed light on them as characters (as well as add some depth).
     

Share This Page