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Son tries and tries to make plans

shelgarr

Registered Member
My son is 14 and has a friend from little league and from school. They mostly play Xbox live, but often my son is asking if they can get together or have sleep overs. The friend wants to, and I am fine with it. The mother though kind of strings us along and in the end sometimes even says "no". It's getting old. She has a pretty tight hold on him and he is more bogged down with homework because he is GATE. On the other hand he play junior level little league and also travel ball so is life is not ALL about school. Yes he is far busier than my kid. Maybe that is the problem. My son has too much time and is too dependent on this one friend to be available to hang out. Nevertheless, I am annoyed by the mom because I hate flaky and because she sets the stage to disappoint my son. Last night on the phone I came right out and asked her if we could "count on" next saturday or is it a "maybe"? Pretty clear, right? I think my son needs more friends. We talk about that a lot. He brings a lot of this on himself because he doesn't try harder with others.
 

Wade8813

Registered Member
Yeah, it's rough. My experience has normally been with kids flaking - I can't think of too many times where the adults did.

The fact that he plays baseball doesn't necessarily mean he's not being forced to be school oriented all the time. Many colleges want prospective students to be involved in extracurricular activities.

It's possible that the mom has an issue with you or your son or whatever, it's possible she is just pushing her kid too hard for college, it's possible she's just a flake. Unfortunately it's hard to suggest anything until we have an idea of the reason behind it.
 

shelgarr

Registered Member
That would require I know the reason behind it and I can only deal with what's in front of me. Son and I talked last night that it is beginning to feel like "excuses". Neither of us are dense. But if the flaky mom is too weak to have us all face the truth, then what can I do? His ball and his school are definitely priorities and the mom enforces it. That's all good. For the most part I'm confident that the boy wants to get together. The mom seems up front about that. On the other hand I have a suspicion that the boy "plays" the mom a little bit about getting said get togethers being under conditions his way. For instance .... I'm not much of a push over and he's used to having more say. Yet, my son says it's not so great over there as well, but he's willing to be flexible. This mom and boy seem less flexible.
 

Tucker

Lion Rampant
If and when your son gets tired of the other boy not having as much time for him, he'll look for someone else to hang with. It's a natural process; I'm not getting why you feel the need to intervene and extract promises from the other mom. Inflexibility on your part could sabotage what is likely the only meaningful friendship your son has right now. Have you considered, rather than trying to gain control over this situation and rearrange the life of your son's friend, backing off and simply letting nature take its course?
 
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Dabs

Registered Member
Maybe the other Mom is a bit over-protective. Telling everyone "maybe" sort of shuts everybody up for a while, then she'll face the day when it comes. I say this because I have not let my granddaughter do a few things for fear of letting her out of my sight, perhaps not knowing the people well enough, and I have been known to say "maybe" when she asks if someone can stay over or vice versa. I'm just saying, maybe just give it some time?
 

shelgarr

Registered Member
I am very inpatient and intolerant about being strung along. "Maybe" really bugs me. And having a disappointed son because a 50 y/o lady can't schedule things really bugs me too. I feel pushy and I feel I'm putting pressure on her to be more predictable and I don't like that I am doing that. Yet, the consequences of our two styles is starting to surface. I don't like being passively bullied this way. You see, I don't do that to HER or ANYONE because it's not rocket science. Just say "yes" and block out the time. And if you compare me to her, it's HER intervening, and over-scheduling, and controlling that is affecting a meaningful friendship.
 

Bliss

Sally Twit
You can't force your son to make friends. It's not fair to put pressure on him like that. Making and breaking friends is all part of growing up and he has to experience that on his own.

Do you actually know the mother you're talking about? Maybe she isn't comfortable letting her son stay some place she isn't familiar. Also, if he's never stayed away from home before she might worry if he'll be OK.
There was a couple of times I had to get my dad to come and get me from a friend's when I was a child because I didn't like being away from home at night. It happens.
 

Tucker

Lion Rampant
How does your son feel about your attempted regimentation of his social life?

Why do you think he's incapable at 14 of managing his own friendships?

Couldn't the feud that you're creating in your mind with the other mother lead to far worse consequences for your son than could the busier boy not always being able to hang out every time he inquires?

Do you want to sabotage the friendship?
 

ysabel

/ˈɪzəˌbɛl/ pink 5
I get flaky parents too. I don't like that either. Just say no. My son gets excited when he knows he's going to spend time with friend at x time...so last minute change of plans can be real downers. Worse is, sometimes they're the ones setting it up then they forget. I'm just more careful now about accepting invites or making invites - keep the flakes out as much as possible. It doesn't mean my son changes friends, they still are friends but just not beyond where they usually socialise (ex: in school). Also it helps to look for more activities for your son to get involved with (to pass the time). It might help broaden his social network too and maybe he won't have to depend much on this other friend to have fun during free time.
 

shelgarr

Registered Member
@ Bliss.... the mom and I have know each other for years both in the school system and little leage system. It is established that both homes are suitable and safe. In fact, she is quite fond of my son.

@ Tucker .... you second attempt to accuse me of sabatoging is misdirected. The other mom is the problem and I'm trying to get around it. The friend is completely at the mercy of his moms permission and commitment. Myself can hardly influence her, I'm not sure how you think my son can. We all are just waiting waiting waiting. It's unclear why you can't see that or sympathize why that would be a problem. My son relies on me to get these things arranged. He doesn't have a phone or drive or able to communicate with an adult like she is a peer.

@ ysabel.....yep that is why I really wish my son had more interests. He's just too dependent on the one thing working out. It's his nature....introvert and quiet and hate-to-say-it lazy. He brings this on himself. There was a time we had him busier but he wasn't necessarily happier.

This morning on the way to school, I told him that the saturday night sleep over was not 100% going to happen and we would have to wait and see. He was accepting of it, but I know disappointing and frustrating as well.
 
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