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Should I go back, or try something else?

Daemonic

Registered Member
I hope this doesn't come off as me pushing beliefs but I just need advice.

So I made a post in the spirituality and sex topic about how I was Wiccan for a couple years and my patron deity was Aphrodite. I can't remember how long ago I got out but it was maybe a couple months before I got on GF, just a guess.

Anyway, as I said I got out of Wicca and my patron deity was Aphrodite. To go into more detail I got a lot from her such as learning to be opened to love, and even a new found respect for life. Even though she doesn't represent all types of love after working with her she began to for me. I quit hating everyone, found respect for life, and even became a vegetarian because of my love for living things and nature. It changed me for the better and made me feel good about myself. I didn't even drink like now, I had a few on the weekends and that was it. I had one drinking binge near the end but was able to stop it by making a anti-drinking potion I would have once a night. I also used Wicca to help me quit smoking which worked for me immediate, and it even kept me busy. I remember crafting a poppet for a friend that needed self love and friendly love, also making gem stone pouches for a friends mom in dad. One with a stone to help him find a job and the other for his wife that was injured to help both with prosperity and her health problems. Those are just a few examples but I was in a good place, cared, and was happier with myself.

Most of you will think I'm crazy because you don't believe in this and I'm not asking you to but I remember a couple times even trying not to cry because I was so happy and meant it when I felt the love of my Goddess with me after telling her I love her out loud. Anyway, I started thinking that since my patron deity was a love Goddess I had to find someone. I became obsessed because I got this idea in my head if I didn't have love and make love I wasn't honoring her enough. I still love her but it ended in me peacefully leaving her and deciding I didn't want romantic love. I got sad, and looked at all the good I did in Wicca which made me decide I don't beleive in the threefold law because I couldn't find love and was worshiping a love Goddess.

Maybe I was just letting it get to me and expecting things of myself she didn't expect of me. Also, maybe I didn't find love because I was having trouble with another thing she could of helped me with and probably the most important thing. Self confidence and self love which would have to be strong qualities of a love Goddess. For all I know I may be better off single and she just wanted me to open up to the beauty of love and be able to appreciate it. For a while I felt she was trying to help me with the self love and confidence stuff but I just kept struggling....

I went looking for another polytheistic religion and do think their is wisdom in it. I even did one ritual that turned out very interesting. Anyway, every time I try to get into it I lose focus and get back to my bad habits. So I'm admitting it, since near the very end and when I got out of Wicca I have had a problem. I was attracted to this other system of belief after Wicca because it focuses more on self and is not so restrictive about certain magiks. I also wanted to balance myself out so since their was a deity of hate in that other system and a love deity I thought if I worked with them both I could balance myself out. I haven't even tried though because every time I start reading up on it or do something little I can't stick with it.

I opened up the drawer of my old alter today and went through some of my journals and writings. I opened to the page of my first open circle experience. I wont go into to much detail because that stuff is kept kinda private but I remember telling the high priestess I had only read a couple books. That was true and I had practiced alone but never been in a real circle. I was so proud of myself and knew I must have put a lot of energy into learning because it was supposed to be a learning circle but she could tell I knew what I was doing. She called me up to stand at the alter and teach everyone how to cleanse and consecrate objects, I was so happy, I'm normally just nervous and in the background but there I was teaching people and was told I did good and seem to know a lot for someone that just read a few books. I had already believed Wicca was my path but was so sure after that. Pathetic as it will sound that was a circle out of state and I almost cried again both because I was so happy but knew I wouldn't be with that group again that I enjoyed so much. That happened in Jan 09 and is probably one of the happiest days I have had since. In fact that entire couple weeks was happy, amazing, and spiritual.

I also found the dedication ritual I made for Aphrodite and it made me sad I never got to do it. I was going through my jewelry and found the consecrated necklace I had to represent her and the bracelet I had blessed by the god and Goddess and said I would in their honor. When I held each of them it made me sad......

Maybe I let go of Aphrodite and Wicca for the wrong reasons. When looking through those things I realized I miss her and The God and Goddess. I even remember feeling a little safer just wearing things blessed by them because I felt they were with me. I still had trouble because of my anxiety but it was just a little better and I felt often loved. Part of me is sad, afraid, and ashamed though because I don't know if I deserve forgiveness for not waiting around to see if there was a lesson. I may have left for the wrong reason, but if I go back I feel like I betrayed her and the God and Goddess. I'm sure this other system could help me but it can't if I'm to screwed up to learn enough about it to get started making it work. I mean if things were not finished and I just left a lesson would she even take me back as my patron Goddess. I don't know, part of me wants to put up her shrine I made and see if she can forgive me and is still meant to be my patron deity. The other part is ashamed and wants to try getting better on my own enough that I can use the other path to better myself. The other problem is if I go back I still don't believe in The Wiccan rede which says to harm none or threefold law anymore. I don't think it is alright to hurt people but I also beleive using magick to teach someone something responsibly is fine, an eye for an eye. Since I don't believe in karma I think it is acceptable to use "darker" works if the work is fair.

I miss Wicca, but am stuck because of one different view I came to have on the rede and karma. It's kinda weird, I was also recently thinking about becoming agnostic soon because I just wasn't sure if I cared anymore but after going through my old things..... I felt something. I guess if I do try and go back I just need to remember not to let love become an obsession if she becomes my patron deity.

I don't know, I see a few options, If I go back things may get better again but what if I do lose control again, become obsessed over time again with needing to find someone, and end up in the same situation? Also I have to follow the only two parts of the religion I disagree with which I don't like. If I go agnostic I wont care about this kind of stuff. Would have a little less stress not feeling like I'm neglecting spirituality or having trouble with something new. I'm not sure if that would help me or not. If I can chill out for a while and take the time to do some more learning and work with this other path it might help me focus more on myself. I could keep trying to stay clear headed enough to get this other system to work for me that does not have the two things I disagree with.

Should I not let my shame get to me, try to go back, and just deal with the fact I have to follow the only two things I strongly disagree with? Should I keep trying to keep my head on long enough to get this other path to work?

or....

Should I just put all my books away go agnostic?
 
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Unity

Living in Ikoria
Staff member
My somewhat simplistic answer is that when it comes to religion, you just need to find what works for you. It's not our place to say what you should or shouldn't do, or make this decision for you.

What could be very beneficial is speaking with a religious official or members of the Wiccan faith that could provide advice and insight.

Ultimately, it's your call.
 

Daemonic

Registered Member
I do have one friend still that is Wiccan. She is priesthood, and the only one I was open with when I started looking into an other path because I intentionally lost contact with any other Wiccan's since they are not big on religions that are alright with curses and such. Even if I only believed it was alright when done fairly because I do not beleive in karma. It's kind of a random fact and I don't even know why I'm posting this but I had been taking classes and was considering becoming real clergy if I ever get over my anxiety issues. I was in a priesthood class and creating a class to teach shortly before I apparently went crazy. It's kinda sad, all that work and progress but then I started question things and had the illogical obsession issue about needing to have someone to honor Aphrodite. Then I just slowly quit class, and I really did love those most of classes.....

Sorry, I was being nostalgic. :lol:
 
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