Shifting World - Contest Entry

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SF3P0X1

Guest
#1
Shifting World

This world is a shifted, twisted place.
As it spirals down a never-ending drain,
It mixes the impurities of sin and self.
The beings that inhabit this place
Fear of change, and rightfully so;
They fear the consequences change will bring.
They are not young anymore. They cannot
Be taught new tricks. They lie in bed
Pondering, pondering, when will it come?
When will we be taken prisoner by ourselves?
So they worry the rest of their lives until
Their dying day. Their last breath is spent
Crying out for help, help for a shifting world.​
 
#2
Re: Shifting World

Its a very interesting piece of work. I really do like it a lot. Although I think the last line should be "Crying out for help, help from a shifting world." not help for a shifting world. It just seems to make more sense that way. Maybe its just me?

I'm not sure if I'm digging how many times you used "They" or "Their" but thats just a personal opinion of mine. I don't like that much repition in poetry, unless its done for like dramatic effect or emotional developement. However, like I said thats just a personal opinion.

I really do like the concept though. Its a very cynical way of looking at the world, but sadly in a lot of cases it can be considered true.

Nice Work.
 
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SF3P0X1

Guest
#3
Re: Shifting World

I repeated "they" and "their" because the two words stand for too many different groups to actually name any one of them. And actually, "for" is better than "from" in this sense because the ones dying and crying for help seem to know when it's too late that the world is doomed. "They" don't need help, "they" realize the world needs the help.
 
#4
Re: Shifting World

SF3P0X1 said:
I repeated "they" and "their" because the two words stand for too many different groups to actually name any one of them. And actually, "for" is better than "from" in this sense because the ones dying and crying for help seem to know when it's too late that the world is doomed. "They" don't need help, "they" realize the world needs the help.
Not to pick a fight or anything, but that doesn't follow the context of your poem at all. Your poem talks about how these people are afraid of the change (of the shifting world) because they will be punished for what they've done, or afraid of what this change will bring.

They are afraid of the effects of what would happen from th change, therefor they are afraid of the shifting world itself. Thats why I thought that maybe from would be a better choice.

Like I said it was just a suggestion.
 
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SF3P0X1

Guest
#5
Re: Shifting World

Ah, well... I intended "for", and I used "for." For example, think of "they" as the government, and the poem suddenly becomes anti-government. The govrnment is afraid of what changes will do to the "order" they have created, but on their deathbeds they finally realize what they've done, and use their final moments vainly crying out for someone to help straighten the mess they've made of the world.

Anyway... this poem is like 4 years old. I wrote down the explanation somewhere, but I can't find it.
 
#6
Re: Shifting World

Hey I mean keep it how you want it or meant it to be. I was just making sure it wasn't an oversight. I was just giving you a reader's opinion on the piece, i mean if you meant it that way, and you want it that way; then thats good. Keep it that way :)
 
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SF3P0X1

Guest
#7
Re: Shifting World

I didn't mean to start an argument or debate or anything. This is a complex piece.
 
#8
Re: Shifting World

Its cool its not an argument/debate or whatever I was just letting you know how it seems from a reader's point of view that doesn't have the background information about the piece, like you do.

Its thinking outside the box, sort've, but its not entirely complex. The only complexity about it, is the hidden story you don't show to the readers. I'm assuming thats your whole government theme you were talking about...
 
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Anonym0uz Bitch

Guest
#9
Re: Shifting World

I do not see how it is complex at all, seems pretty straight forward to me, not even really hard to understand, depending on how you interpret it I suppose.
 
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SF3P0X1

Guest
#10
Re: Shifting World

I keep reading and re-reading this piece and keep asking myself why the [expletive deleted] I joined the military after writing it...