Sex Jokes!!

Discussion in 'The Bathroom Wall' started by Hangtime15, Aug 8, 2006.

  1. Hangtime15

    Hangtime15 Guest

    Sex Blonde Jokes

    Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
    A: All you can eat under a buck.

    Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
    A: They are both 10ยข a screw!

    Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
    A: Humpme Dumpme!

    Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
    A: Nothing. They've never met.
    A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

    Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
    A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

    Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
    A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

    Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
    A: Because red means stop.

    Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
    A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

    Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
    A: To put their feet through.

    Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
    A: Has that blonde gone yet?
    A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
    A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"

    Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
    A: "Have another beer."

    Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
    A: Because everybody gets a turn.

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
    A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
    A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

    Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
    A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

    Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
    A1: Introduces him/her self.
    A2: Walks home.

    Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
    A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

    Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
    A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

    Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
    A: Her feet!

    Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
    A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

    Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
    A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

    Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
    A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

    Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
    A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
    A2: I don't know.
    R: Neither did she.

    Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
    A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

    Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
    A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

    Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
    A: She liked to be filled with cream.

    Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
    A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

    Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
    A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

    Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
    A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

    Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
    A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
    The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
    The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

    Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
    A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

    Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
    A: Their heels.

    Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

    Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
    A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

    A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
    Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
    Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
    Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
    Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

    Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
    A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

    Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
    A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

    ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"

    Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
    A: They pull up their pants.

    Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
    A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

    Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
    A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

    ______________________________________________________________

    That's Love!

    An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.

    He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

    After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too."

    ____________________________________________________________________

    More later....
     

  2. Pugz

    Pugz Ms. Malone V.I.P. Lifetime

    LMAO! that convict one it good.

    A man had fancied a woman at his work for a very long time, the only problem was that she had a boyfriend. So one day he goes up to her and says.
    "I really like you and want to have sex with you, i know you won't sleep with me but how about i give you 1000 pounds to do so? I'll throw the money on the floor and by the time you've picked it up i'll be done."
    The woman shakes her head. "My boyfriend won't like it." At the end of the day she tells her boyfriend what had happened at work and he seem very enthusiastic about the idea.
    "Do it. Pick the money up really quick and he won't have a chance to do anything!" So the next day he waits for his girlfriend to call, he wait 15 mins, then 45, then 1 hour. After an hour he calls her phone and asks. "What's going on?"
    "The bastard threw pound coins!"

    I dunno if you'll get that or even think its funny. *Shrugs*
     
  3. Merc

    Merc Certified Shitlord V.I.P. Lifetime

    There you go, Pugz, fixed for the rest of us :)
     
  4. Iris

    Iris rainbow 11!

    lol That's really funny. My mom is from Scotland, so I know what they mean. ^^
     
  5. Vidic15

    Vidic15 No Custom Title Exists V.I.P. Lifetime

    There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
    He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
    Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
    He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
    The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
    The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
    When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
    After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

    ---------
    Damn, He could have the 3 chicks, instead he wanted the camel
     
  6. oxyMORON

    oxyMORON A Darker Knight

    this joke is better said aloud...

    After along day, the seven dwarves got into the tub and were feeling Happy. Happy got out.
     
  7. Illosophee

    Illosophee Guest

    A boy with speech impairments kept bothering his mother to buy him a puppy. His mom gave him money to buy some gardening objects and said that if any money was left over, he could go and buy a puppy. The boy agreed. He went to a gardening store and bought a pick/pitchfork (dick), some grass (ass) and a bucket (fuck it). He, then, went to a Pet Store and bought a puppy.
    As he was walking home, he tripped over a crack and the bucket went rolling down the street. His puppy ran after the bucket. The boy turned to some old ladies and asked, "Can you hold my dick and my ass while I go get my puppy and fuck it?"

    _______________________
    Note: Not really funny.. He had speech impairments, so he called a pick a dick, some grass an ass and a bucket as fuck it. Whatever.
    _______________________



    Q: What's white, sticky and in your son's drawers?
    A: Michael Jackson's "latest release".
    ______________________________________________________________________
    A man and his wife were supposed to go to a costume party together one Halloween, but when the time came to go the party, the woman told him to go on without her; she said she had a terrible headache. The man reluctantly left, and the suspicious wife decided to see just how faithful her man really was. She put on a different costume and went to the party. When she got there, she saw her husband dancing with a young girl in a sexy costume. Now, even more suspicious, she decided to really put him to the test. She danced with him and whispered that they should sneak into a bedroom. She insisted they leave the masks on and had sex with him. Fuming, she ran home to wait for his return. When he got there, she innocently asked if he'd had fun. He told her he didn't. After a few minutes at the party, he and some guys went across the street to play poker. He added, "The guy who borrowed my costume said he had a hell of a time, though!"
    _________________________________________________________________________
    A 10th grade teacher asks a girl, "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"
    The girl responds, "That's disgusting! I don't want to answer that question!"
    So the teacher asks a boy the same question, and the boy responds, "That's easy! Your eye pupil."
    "That's correct, Johnny. Very good!" said the teacher.
    Turning to the girl, the teacher says, "I've three things to say to you, young lady: first, you didn't do your homework; second, you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"
     
  8. Luke Wolf

    Luke Wolf Guest

    A guy and his wife are making out in bed. The guy grabs his wifes breasts and says "If we could get milk out of these, we wouldn't need the cow." They go and, and the guy grabs his wifes vagina and says "If we could get eggs out of this, we wouldn't need the chickens." His wife then angrily grabs his dick and says "If we could get this hard, we wouldn't need your brother."

    Ouch.
     
  9. Vidic15

    Vidic15 No Custom Title Exists V.I.P. Lifetime

    I didnt get the "We will need your brother"

    Is it for his brother to satify her or the other way around?
     
  10. Luke Wolf

    Luke Wolf Guest

    It's supposed to be "won't need."
    Oops.
     

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