Rap/Poem...thing FEEDBACK

redsoxocd

living on the border
#1
Okay so my friend and I decided to battle each other and see who could write the best rap/poem beginning with the first line "Life is shit". We were supposed to work on it for 1 period and it give it to each other before the next one. He took 2 periods and then barely wrote anything...and didnt use the right first line...but yeah, here is mine:

Life is shit
Its definately a bitch
Got me running round in circles
Thinking I cant change
This life that was made
For me, walking round these streets
With my head bent low
Feeling like I cant speak
My mind, cant look them in the eyes
Show 'em how I really feel
Cant be my real
Self, cause I'll get in trouble
Gotta live my life in my own little bubble

Living my life in solitude
Got no one who care about me
Gotta keep on eyes open
When I got to sleep
Cause you'll never know what can happen to you
When your life is a show
And everyone's laughing right through
The episode

I gotta run and hide
When the bottle is in his hand
So he cant whoop my behind
But it never works
Waking up in the morning
With welts that hurt
I cant even move
Because the tears will stream out
And if he steeing them coming down
He will just shout
Louder

When I walk past the guys
I see them looking at my body
Licking their lips
As I sway my hips
I know what theyre thinking
That they want to hit this badly
And that scares me to death
I cant even take a breath
Cause I never know if theyre
Going to choose to destroy

Its happened before
Holding me down on the bed
After he locked the door
Covering my mouth
So no one would hear my cries
The fire is burning in his eyes
As he tries to push himself deep inside
My treasure, thank God he couldnt get in
And he let me run away
I still fear that I'm going to see him
Even to this day

And that now even half of it
But its bringing up too many feelings
So I have to end this
But before I go
Just thinking about what I said
Life is a bitch
Its definately shit


so yeah...I wrote about my real life experiences
The ten lines he wrote were about shooting people

what do you tihnk.