Random Stuff from teh webs

Discussion in 'The Bathroom Wall' started by Nevyrmoore, Feb 6, 2009.

  1. Nevyrmoore

    Nevyrmoore AKA Ass-Bandit

    I really don't see the point in making a new thread every few minutes, so I'm just gonna put this here.
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    Herbert A. Millington
    Chair - Search Committee
    412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
    College Hill, MA 34109

    Dear Professor Millington,

    Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I
    regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me
    an assistant professor position in your department.

    This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually
    large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field
    of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

    Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in
    rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at
    this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor
    in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

    Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

    Sincerely,
    Chris L. Jensen
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    Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian

    10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

    9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

    8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

    7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!

    6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

    5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

    4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."


    3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.

    2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

    1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.
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    THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS


    Stage #1 -- Smart

    This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You
    know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who
    will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course
    the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for
    hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an
    interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking,
    in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything
    about, but are convinced that they are they complete authority on the
    subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to
    listen in.

    Stage #2 -- Handsome/Pretty

    This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in
    the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at
    perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been
    admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all
    eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the
    face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can
    talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects
    under the sun.

    Stage #3 -- Rich

    This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
    buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely
    have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can
    also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you
    will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much
    money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also
    begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you
    because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the
    face of the earth.

    Stage #4 -- Bulletproof

    You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with
    because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to
    the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self
    all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no
    worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all
    the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might
    erupt if he looses.

    Stage #5 -- Invisible

    This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do
    absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance
    on a table; you can strip down to your underwear, to impress the people
    who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people
    in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom
    you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through
    the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are
    still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything
    of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are
    gone. You can do anything, because no one will know.

    And you certainly won't remember !
     
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2009

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