Poem: Suicide Note

N

Negi

Guest
#1
Do you understand
Everything I just said?
And you still want to die.
Think! I said the truth.
Have you ever felt this way?
So he killed himself. He said that he
Understood that his life had no meaning.
In a matter of speaking he spoke lies.
Carelessly taking his own life because nothing meant anything to him.
It's sad nonetheless.
Dying and then leaving
Everyone that cared for him.
Never wanting to leave his side but
Understanding that he is gone.
My love is gone. Lost. He left my side.
Beloved I wish you back.
Wanting you back.
It hurts.
Suicide was wrong.
How could you leave me?
Pulsing of the heart, harder now. The same gun.
Another death.
It's not needed, but, wanted. Only to be in his arms again.
Never leaving his side and he never leaving myn.
Living together in hell.
Oblivious to the suffering around. I'll always be happy,
Very happy, as long as I'm with you.
Everything has to end. But our love won't.
 

Merc

Certified Shitlord
V.I.P.
#2
From a technical standpoint, I didn't like it very much. But the mood was dark and romantic, which was good. I don't know, I really don't like the way it's structured.
 
N

Negi

Guest
#3
There is more to it than the poem itself you just have to look hard. Then you might fugure out why it might sound a little odd.
 

Merc

Certified Shitlord
V.I.P.
#4
Negi said:
There is more to it than the poem itself you just have to look hard. Then you might fugure out why it might sound a little odd.
Well it's not working good enough to get that "more" across.

I'm afraid it needs some work. I meant odd as in the way it's structured. To me, nothing is more annoying than ending a sentence midway and carrying it to a new line without having any effect. You just need to structure it differently.
 
S

Sorayoushi

Guest
#5
Yes, I agree with The Mercenary. I couldnn't feel the smoothness that usual poems have. However, that's how your poem is unique. I also got the feeling of that dark and romantic mood.