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Nursery Tale Update

HalfEatenSurprise

Registered Member
Do you know of nursery tales and fables and the like?
Well, in here, if so inclined, why not retell one of these tales with an up-to-date spin... Using slang and wit might these tales take on whole new meaning... and quite possibly be extremely funny...

Go ahead... You don't have to write the entire story, perhaps just an excerpt of it...

Such as:

Jack and the Beanstalk
So, Jack's being bossed about again, his mum's not too chuffed with the crap she's having to live in. She's poor. She needs money, yet is too bone to go to town herself. She calls her only child, confident he can get the bread...

"Jack, take this knackered TV to cash converters will you. We're so poor we need the money. Tell Bob it's for Flo, he'll serve you."

Jack totters off to town, trekking the six miles because they can't even afford bus fair. Pushing the TV along on its rickety stand. After a couple of miles, whilst trying to hump the TV over a stile, Jack is approached by a withered old man with a 'Ministry of Sound' T-Shirt on. He enquires into Jack's business.

"What you doing with the telly lad?"

"Taking it to be pawned off old man," Jack says.

"Why not swap it for these, they'll make all your dreams come true," the old man says, whipping out a jar with some grey-brown lumps in it.

"What are those?"

"Magic Beans lad, I'll happily trade you for the telly."

Jack thinks about it, a little perplexed and suspicious, yet somehow intrigued by the beans on show, and also a little worried that the old man may beat him to death if he doesn't comply. He begrudgingly accepts the offer. A little happy about not having to walk all the way to cash converters.

"What do I do with them?"

"Plant them lad, and you'll soon discover delights beyond your wildest dreams."

The deal takes place and Jack totters off back home with his awesome trade item. The old man snaps his mobile out and phones for a mate with a van.

Jack soon arrives home and bestows the news on his mother. She beats the shit out of him, and sends him to bed, after calling him numerous insulting names such as 'pillock, spazzbag and worthless toad'... She throws the beans out of the window in rage, the jar breaks and the beans spill into the soil...

Night comes and Jack is still pretty upset about his mother's temper tantrum, yet the proof of the pudding is soon to be discovered as Jack sleeps the ground rumbles with magic bean growth, ready to transport Jack into the heavens on the magical beanstalk of wonders.

----

I might finish this in a bit. Nonetheless, I dreamt that crap up on the spot. I'm sure a similar retelling can be done for a different fairy tale or whatever. So if you're inclined, please share your imagination.
 
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