My life and other serious matters

[TGirl]

Here is a long story about my situation if anyone is interested...

Well most of you know I been in the process of Adopting my son Austen.....I have had Austen since he was 9 months old...he is now 2 years old.....
The parental Termination Trial was in the first of March....after a 4 day trial (which I was there every second) the Judge ruled for Austen’s Bio Mom's rights to be terminated! Now I had nothing at all to do with this process other than keeping Austen safe while they did what they could do to help train mom to take care of a child.....She was unable to retain the information after all this time.....this is her Second child that she has had taken away for neglect...

After the Termination paper work is filed with the court by the State Attorney the Bio mom as 30 days to appeal the judges decision....if it is appealed it can take up to two years for the appeal to be heard by a panel of judges...and that long for the adoption to be completed.

I cried for two reasons when the judge ruled....one that I was finally going to be able to adopt him and the other being his Bio Mom was so sad and it broke my heart.....Austen’s Bio Mom loves him very much and I have not doubt about that, she is just dysfunctionaly disabled and can not care for him...and has no family around to help her....she barley makes it on her own!

Some History.....

When Austen came to live with us The Social worker called me at work and asked if I would take him...I said of course (our first baby) the social worker said "do you want to look at him first before you decide" and I got real offended by that...I said "NO, I do not need to look at him to decide...I will come get him now!" the social worker went on to tell me that this child does nothing not even SMILE.....

I showed up at the DCFS office to pick him up and the social worker met me at the front of the building holding this beautiful chubby little boy and I walked over to him and smiled and said "Hi Austen" and Austen smiled so big at me and leaned over for me to hold him......The social worker said "NO WAYYYYYYY, I can't believe this...This is meant to be".....Not knowing then that I would be adopting him....I just thought a long the lines of purely foster care! I looked him over and he had a horribly flat head from not being picked up or turned over...all he did was lay there and eat.....at 9 months old he could not sit up by himself or even crawl or nothing...he just laid there like a 29 pound beached whale.....the only thing he knew to do was hold his bottle and cry this hysterical cry every time we left the room...that was from being left alone to much...we thought he had his mom's disability, because he was horribly delayed.

After working so hard with him...two months went by and he was crawling and giggling. Picking things off the ground,....he was doing what any 7 month old would be doing....but then he was almost a year old.... AND NOW man he is a two years old for sure.....and he is a normal two year old I want to lock in a cage....totally into everything!

Ok I said termination was in march right....well the "STATE" who worked so hard to get the termination done never filed the paper work after all this time....not the social workers....not the DCFS officials...The "State"!! I kept getting promises on times and date for things to take place....Stories about some distant relatives that want him and got my attorney's on that as we have just as much blood as they do....but we have one thing they didn't have and that was "A BOND".....Well it is August now and MY SON NEEDS PERMENANTCY!!! Sooo finally I called the State Attorney last week after trying everyone else all this time......and I didn't ask questions...I just stated facts.....that I was going to Contact our State Senator and I was going to have to file a petition against the state for sitting on this! That it is a mandatory state law for a child that has been in the foster care system for over 12 months to gain permanency....whether going home to bio parents or being adopted. (unless unusual situation acures)...but Termination has already taken place...just the paperwork was never filed.... uggggggggg

So this last Tuesday I get a call from the adoption worker that the State attorney is filing the paper work at that very moment and that now all we have to do is a few more things that takes about 6 weeks and Austen will be all mine........So I think finally this is gunna happen............TODAY I get a call from the adoption worker stating that they didn't file and they are not going to until September 2nd in front of a judge...

Uggggggggggg WHY????...just file the damn paperwork....there is no reason to do this in front of a judge...there is nothing to judge!!! This is not even a common practice and of course we still have to wait the 30 days from September 2nd now incase bio mom wants to appeal!!! I think to myself GOD has given me this child....hardly ever is there a time that there IS NO direct family members that wont take a baby....there is none for Austen and now Austen is OUR son...I am just so frustrated with the system right now...they take these babies away from their mama's (most the time for good reason) and then they terminate the rights to give a child permanency and NOW they want to sit around and do nothing??? I feel like they want the mom to appeal.....they want to spend more money on this case......and in the meantime we are in limbo wondering if this is even going to take place....

I have spent a ton of money on this adoption already and I will spend a ton more if I have too..... Austen is my son! And I have no doubt in my mind a judge would ever take him from us as he believes we are his parents.

Ok I think I am done venting....I am just so frustrated and sad right now, not to mention two of my other foster children I have had for a year and a half are leaving the end of this month to a Adoptive mom and dad......its a bitter sweet thing!

~Trina~

 

[Nanner]

First of all.....HUGE HUGS!!!

While luckily a MUCH quicker result I can relate to your frustrations and stress you are going thru. The waiting (and keeping your fingers crossed) about terminating parental rights. (in our case we were pretty sure about bio Mom....it was bio Dad we were worried about) What the heck took 4 days? I assume her termination was contested? The waiting to see if they change their minds. All the legal BS that goes with an adoption. Yes, I even understand the feelings when they do terminate....how you feel toward the bio Mom. Contested or not contested it still has to be soooo hard!

While ours was an agency adoption you usually hear bad things about DCFS (so glad we didn't have to deal with them)! Surprised it is the state holding you up! Geeeez!

After one failed adoption in Aug of 2001 (a whole nother story. Grrrrr) We were only on the roller coaster ride for our daughter from Sept 11, 2001 (the best day and the worst day) until December 21, 2001. That was long enough! I can't imagine how you all are feeling after all this time and frustration! I know laws vary by state and type of adoption but after termination shouldn't things go quickly and smoothly????? Guess not?!!!?

Did they give you a reason for doing this in front of a judge? Maybe because your case is taking so long and was so screwed up they are going to speed it along? Possibly? Hopefully?

I want to scream along with you! I really really do! Your post brought back a whole lot of feelings and frustrations. Adoption emotions are so strong!

We know Austen is your son.....You know he is your son......he knows he is your son.....just have to get those damn legal people to realize it!

As for your other foster kids. I think I mentioned quite awhile ago how I feel about foster parents. You all are amazing! It's something that I know I could never ever do and it takes very special people who can! How fortunate for them that they are going to a (hopefully wonderful) family but yes.....bittersweet for you. Go ahead and have a nice little cry fest. I think about now you are entitled to one!

 

[trees]

I hope everything works out for the best. It is very nice of your family to be a foster family. I spent some time in foster care when I was a child. Many more foster homes are needed. When there is a child who needs a place to go incase of neglect, abuse, or in cases of the parents just "giving up" for whatever reason there needs to be more choices in this world. If there are no places available in the time of need children get "stuck" in all kinds of group homes and even worse.........."mental hospitals". When I was 12, I was placed in the adult ward of a very well known "hospital" because all the beds were full at all other options.( This was like my 4 or 5th place.( I was back and fourth from "home" to all kinds of places.) I was subjected to all kinds of scarey and surley unsafe things and people. I only had to stay there for 2 weeks, but it was one of the worst two weeks in my life. Then I was placed in the "youth" ward of the same place with a mixture of kids some who "needed" to be there and some who "didnt" (However this was in the "80"s) I really hate that there are so many kids that need a place, or so many disfunctional families who feel that they "cannot put up" with one of their children any longer. I could never neglect, abuse or "Get rid" of one of my children no matter what kinds of problems ......................And yes I was what they called an "bad" child.... who's whole family was in therapy from before I was 5 years old. My father though I loved him so much was an alcholic and did some terrible things to my half sister, and would "whip us till my mom made him stop". And who emotionaly and in other ways abused my mother.... I came from a "family" that really "didnt exist".... The on top of that, I was a called "bad" child. Never tested for any kind of problems like ADD. And was the one out of 3 children that was sent from one place to another because my mother (whom I still love very much) Couldnt" put up with me"................ I was a child who suffered from "neglect" Maybe not on purpose....... but it is true. There was so much going on with my "family" That there wasnt time for me, it's that simple. I was the "baby". I "missed" being a "child". I missed being able to hug my mom and dad and sisters good night...... I missed the vacations that were taken from time to time..... I lived with lots of strange people. I felt like no one loved me. There were a few people out there that really acted like they loved me and helped me.

It is so strange because after all this I still remember some of the fun things during the times I was at "home".

Thank god for the loving foster parents that are around. Even though I wanted to be with my "family". They were there for me.


Good luck with your "fight" to keep that child. He started at a young age with your family and might can be saved from alot of things in his life.

And no, I am not "crazy" So please dont think bad of me. This is the first time I have told my story to strangers, and I have four children of my own that I love,and have never been "away" from me!

Lesson here: Do not look badly on a child because of the way they act. It might not be their fault, also if you are able to help please do!

 

[TGirl]

Nanner.....there is so many people that say they understand what I am emotionally and mentally going through...but it is always nice to know that there IS someone that totally understands...if that makes since....

I never got into foster care to adopt a child...I always wanted more than one child...And because of my ex and then physical problems which later turned into surgery I was unable to have any more....So I thought I could love more than one child one at a time until they were able to go home and be with their families...the thought of KEEPING one for me...never crossed my mind as I really didn't know there was foster to adopt programs....So when my hubby and I signed up we didn't even do the paper work to be preaproved adoptive parents....

Then Austen came into our lives....In Febuary of 2004...We just thought we were going to take care of him till they helped bio mom out and got her on the right track...Then I learned more about the case and that bio mom herself was a abused child and was shooken real hard as a baby there fore causing her delays...Soooo sad! So one day the Social worker called me up and told me they desided to terminate parental rights and would we be willing to adopt him as he has done so well in our home....(now we were not adoptive parents...they could have taken him out of our home and put him in a home already approved and on a waiting list for a baby) MAN let me tell you the whole world changed that day.....I looked at Austen and said to him "you were chosen by GOD to be my baby" And I truly believe that....God gave him to us!!

Everything went smoothly all the way up to termination.....after that We knew we had to wait 30 days incase mom wanted to appeal the judge's decision......so on April 4th...30 days exactly I though YESSSSSSSSSSS we can go ahead with the proceedings of adoption.....NOPEEEEEEEEE something here was held up and something there.....UGggggg

Don't they want this file off their desks????? They always complain of all these open cases...uggggggggggggg


Trees.........I am glad to hear although sad, that you did get some good foster homes along the way.....So many stories of people growing up in horrible homes.... And YES>>>there is not enough foster home for the children we have in STATE Custody....Sad again!!!!

And for the record, although I am sure you didn't mean it how you said it...but I do not ACT like I love these children.....I do love them, I hold them and hug them and kiss their owies....and I yell at them just like my own kid!! hahahahah But yes my whole heart is not totally open to them as I know most of them leave me to go home...so I put my mind in a state that reminds myself...THIS IS NOT MY CHILD... I AM ONLY HERE TO LOVE AND CARE FOR THEM TILL THEY LEAVE......I have to do that or I would go insane everytime a child leaves me! Although I do mourn everytime...I keep in mind though they got to go home or got to be adopted YEAH!!!! So it is a celebration another bittersweet!!!

And I love to see you say you still love your parents although then you felt like they gave up on you.....so many times I have seen children resent there parent and it only hurts their own hearts...and soon they put up walls that is almost impossible to break through...having a forgiving heart is one of the best things a person can have...this makes you the wonderful mother that you are!

Thank you guys so much for talking to me about this....it truly helps...sometimes I just feel alone in my feelings and last night I could not take it anymore! You guys are awesome ....~hugs~

 

[trees]

HI, once again I wish you luck with adopting "your son" and I did mean what I said whan I said "There were a few people out there that really acted like they loved me and helped me." You must have read it wrong to think it meant "you". I was talking about the people that I lived with back when I was a child, like in the 70's and early 80's. Sorry for the missunderstanding.
:lol:

 

[TGirl]

nonono Trees...I was using that as a example and was hoping that you didn't mean they ACTED......I know you never said me...I was just telling you how I feel about the kids...I came across wrong....
I wish that there had been better homes for you when you were growing up....some really do DO fostercare because they care for the children....I just wish they all did it for the same reason......

I am sorry I came across wrong...I just meant that I WAS HOPING you didn't mean it that way! so sorry!!

 

[trees]

Hehehe it funny how we can get so confused up here some time! Hahaha it's all good!

 

[nani1987]

good luck tgirl sounds like you are a great mom and hope it will be final soon for you.
nani

 

[Msbabedoll]

WOW trina I am SOO sorry to hear you been going through such aweful stuff! I can only imagine that caring for a child like that for so long and then them going back to their real parents is like loosing one of your own kids. and then having to deal with the pain of wondering if this time they will be treated right. I do hope they get their Butts in gear and get little Austin permantly placed in your home. I believe God will forsee this!

Nanner.....there is so many people that say they understand what I am emotionally and mentally going through...but it is always nice to know that there IS someone that totally understands...if that makes since....
QUOTE]


And NOTHING compares to having someone who has been through what you have either!! I try to not say "I KNOW" what your going through or that I understand, because I know how it is to think "how can you know if you have never been through it?"

I hope things get better!!