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My introduction and confession...

MalachHamavet

Registered Member
Hello all, this is my first post here. This will be a long and probably confusing one, and I'm sure I will get flamed and made fun of even.

But something that happened years ago has been eating me up inside recently and I just feel this need to talk about it anonymously. I don't know if this is even the right part of the forum to put this. If not I'm sorry. I considered putting in the advice section but I don't know if it's advice I am looking for so much as to just get it off my chest (but comments are still welcome. I want people to comment, otherwise I would just keep it all to myself.)

And I also getting the impression this is mainly a gaming forum. But this site boasts itself as being a place to talk about anything, and it seems pretty active, so I decided to register.

So here goes... About nine years ago I created an alter ego online... and I masqueraded as him for five years.

I didn't take it as far as some people do when they do this. I never entered into any online relationships with people. I never solicited money from anyone, etc. But, I did make some great friends and lied to every one of them.

My alter ego was essentially the idealized version of myself. He was my age, he had the same job, the same interests, the same relationships status, etc. But he was really good looking, and he had no problem saying exactly what he thought and being blunt about it. This was something people admired about him and it was something that got him a lot of attention, both negative and positive.

I did this on a message board (not this one, heh) And while he made tons of friends on that board, the mods hated him.

I have been called a pussy my entire life by several people. This started when I was really young with my parents. And my alter ego was strong. I don't mean physically strong necessarily. But he was no one who anyone would call a pussy.

This was a way to escape my awful life and de-stress. My significant other at the time knew I did this. My counselor at the time also knew. And in the end I even fessed up to one of my close friends online that I wasn't who they thought I was. I just kept telling myself that it was alright as long as I wasn't hurting anyone. I guess I didn't realize that I was hurting myself.

So now here it is, four years later. I thought I had come to terms with everything. But I've been going through a bout of depression since January of this year. And for the last two weeks or so, it's almost like I've been mourning his loss. I miss that part of myself, I miss those days when I was him, I miss my friends, etc. But, at the same time I am wrecked with guilt over what I did.

My alter ego saved marriages, he talked people out of suicide. I/he helped people. I had an identity on this same board as my true self. I tried to befriend all the friends he had as myself. The plan was to make friends with all of them as me, then have him slowly fade away. But people just didn't find the real me as interesting I guess.

Eventually he got banned. And surprisingly enough, he had a big enough following on that forum that several of the regulars were pissed that he got banned, and some of them created their own forum as a result of this and made him a mod. That forum is still in operation... but after a few months of him being a mod, for reasons I still don't understand, he was banned from there too. This is a betrayal I never quite came to terms with. I don't know why it happened. I never got a straight answer from the admin (who was my close friend.)

So (as myself) I told her that my alter ego attempted suicide and was now in the hospital. I am not proud of this, but I knew he had to fade away at this point. That and I won't lie, I wanted her to feel like crap for what she did.

I was never caught doing this. I was really good undercover. No one ever suspected anything. Even the friend I told was floored when he found out. But we stayed friends. I have considered the possibility that she banned me because she found out I was a fake, but I doubt that. I don't think there's any way she could have found out. But even if that were the case, she could've told me.

So, maybe it's the combination of depression, and that this final blow was never really settled, that I am suddenly feeling this sense of loss four years later.

I felt a sense of loss back when this happened. And I grieved and moved on. Now suddenly here I am with this wound re-opened. And it's probably because I am depressed and *want* to be someone else again. I have talked to my counselor about this and she has urged me not to go down that path again, which I won't. I made up my mind I wouldn't even before talking to her. It's just causing me so much pain.

I find myself reading his old emails, and old chats that were memorable enough to save, etc.

I am at a point now where I don't have a lot of social interaction with people, online or off. And as myself, I am an introverted, quiet loaner. As him... I was the opposite. Everyone gravitated toward him.

I am rambling. I hope what I'm feeling is coming through in this post. I doubt many people out there will relate. But I felt the need to post about this. I am also here in hopes of maybe making a few friends, as the real me.

MH
 

HashSlingingSlash

Registered Member
Welcome to GF, hope you enjoy it here. I felt like I should take the time to welcome you, however I did not read your full post, it was too long for me.
 

Hilander

Free Spirit
Staff member
V.I.P.
Welcome to the forum Malach.

We are much more than a gaming forum, we will discuss just about anything.

I'm not sure if its that unusual for people to have alter egos on the internet. None of us are exactly giving out our real names and addresses but I do believe most of us on here are ourselves on the forum. I would prefer you be yourself.

If your alter ego was a extrovert then you have that potential too because ultimately you and he are the same person.

Are you sure you are depressed because you are missing your alter ego or being on a forum talking to people?
 

MalachHamavet

Registered Member
Welcome to the forum Malach.

We are much more than a gaming forum, we will discuss just about anything.

I'm not sure if its that unusual for people to have alter egos on the internet. None of us are exactly giving out our real names and addresses but I do believe most of us on here are ourselves on the forum. I would prefer you be yourself.

If your alter ego was a extrovert then you have that potential too because ultimately you and he are the same person.

Are you sure you are depressed because you are missing your alter ego or being on a forum talking to people?
This is the real me. I am not masquerading or role playing.

I had this whole introversion/extroveraion thing so well thought out with him. I (or, rather he) told people he was a quiet shy peraon in real life but had no problem opening up online.

He was also attractive, charismatic and very talented. While I am talented in some areas I am ugly and far from charismatic, lol.

I am depressed foe a lot of reasons. I will have to answer that question more in depth later when I am home. Right now I am on my phone and don't want to type a long meaty reply.

Are long meaty posts frowned on here?
 

Taliesin

Registered Member
No, they're not frowned upon... as long as you're being yourself when you post them.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of this. I've been burned by people on the internet before, and so I usually take a very dim view of the kind of behaviour you've partaken in. I immediately don't want to give you a chance, and want to get all Jackie Chan on your arse.

Having said that, you do seem like a decent enough chap, and I like someone who's as articulate as you seem to be. Perhaps if you post a video recording of a clearly visible you saying, "I am real, and I'm not pretending to be anyone else" then maybe I'll give you a chance. Oh, and your life savings. Give me your life savings. Then you can pretend to be whomever you please. The Queen of England. Hugh Jackman. Bumblebee from The Transformers.

Okay, time for me to be serious. Honestly, I do feel for those people that you burned, but I am heartened by the fact that you do have a conscience about it. And I can understand wanting to be somebody else, even if it's just online. It sounds like you don't think much of yourself, and if this is true, I get it. I don't much like myself either. And I get your frustration that people seem to gravitate towards loud, obnoxious extroverts every time. I guess because they're loud and obnoxious.

At the end of the day, I don't think this has helped you one bit. You perhaps feel worse about yourself than you already did, and it may be because of the aforementioned conscience. Listen to that. Don't do it again. Join in on the fun and games here instead as yourself (like you've already pledged to do), and let's see where it goes from there!

You are welcome here and it is a pleasure to meet you. Truly. (Just don't break my heart. Don't break any of our hearts. Okay?)
 

Hilander

Free Spirit
Staff member
V.I.P.
This is the real me. I am not masquerading or role playing.

I had this whole introversion/extroveraion thing so well thought out with him. I (or, rather he) told people he was a quiet shy peraon in real life but had no problem opening up online.

He was also attractive, charismatic and very talented. While I am talented in some areas I am ugly and far from charismatic, lol.

I am depressed foe a lot of reasons. I will have to answer that question more in depth later when I am home. Right now I am on my phone and don't want to type a long meaty reply.

Are long meaty posts frowned on here?
Long posts are okay but some people won't read them if they are too long.

I'm liking the real you just fine. As far as the way you look a lot of us aren't that attractive. On here though no one really knows what you look like unless you post a picture of yourself. So does it really matter at all.
 

MalachHamavet

Registered Member
No, they're not frowned upon... as long as you're being yourself when you post them.

Honestly, I don't know what to make of this. I've been burned by people on the internet before, and so I usually take a very dim view of the kind of behaviour you've partaken in. I immediately don't want to give you a chance, and want to get all Jackie Chan on your arse.

Having said that, you do seem like a decent enough chap, and I like someone who's as articulate as you seem to be. Perhaps if you post a video recording of a clearly visible you saying, "I am real, and I'm not pretending to be anyone else" then maybe I'll give you a chance. Oh, and your life savings. Give me your life savings. Then you can pretend to be whomever you please. The Queen of England. Hugh Jackman. Bumblebee from The Transformers.

Okay, time for me to be serious. Honestly, I do feel for those people that you burned, but I am heartened by the fact that you do have a conscience about it. And I can understand wanting to be somebody else, even if it's just online. It sounds like you don't think much of yourself, and if this is true, I get it. I don't much like myself either. And I get your frustration that people seem to gravitate towards loud, obnoxious extroverts every time. I guess because they're loud and obnoxious.

At the end of the day, I don't think this has helped you one bit. You perhaps feel worse about yourself than you already did, and it may be because of the aforementioned conscience. Listen to that. Don't do it again. Join in on the fun and games here instead as yourself (like you've already pledged to do), and let's see where it goes from there!

You are welcome here and it is a pleasure to meet you. Truly. (Just don't break my heart. Don't break any of our hearts. Okay?)
i won't break any hearts. I promise. My alter ego never really broke any either except maybe mine, as strange as that sounds. I look back on the whole thing and sometimes I wonder if in some twisted way I was in love with him.

Since yu said I sound like a decent "chap" I should probably point out that I am female. Is there a female word for chap? :)

My life savings wouldn't be that impressive, sadly. I am saving up to go to Europe nexr summer and that alone is proving difficult.

No... it didnt help at all in the end. It was fun while it lasted and I honestly thought my interactions were harmless. For the last couple years I just put the whole experience on a shelf. I didnt think about it or talk about it. Then out of nowhere it hit like a ton of bricks.

Like the quote in your Sig btw. Cad Goddeu. :)
 

Smelnick

Creeping On You
V.I.P.
Welcome here! Interesting username, what's it mean? I'm sure you're going to enjoy this place, especially if you're being yourself. We're pretty welcoming around here.
 

Smelnick

Creeping On You
V.I.P.
Oh nice, that's unique.

So what kind of things do you do in your own time? Any hobbies?
 
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