MalachHamavet
Registered Member
Hello all, this is my first post here. This will be a long and probably confusing one, and I'm sure I will get flamed and made fun of even.
But something that happened years ago has been eating me up inside recently and I just feel this need to talk about it anonymously. I don't know if this is even the right part of the forum to put this. If not I'm sorry. I considered putting in the advice section but I don't know if it's advice I am looking for so much as to just get it off my chest (but comments are still welcome. I want people to comment, otherwise I would just keep it all to myself.)
And I also getting the impression this is mainly a gaming forum. But this site boasts itself as being a place to talk about anything, and it seems pretty active, so I decided to register.
So here goes... About nine years ago I created an alter ego online... and I masqueraded as him for five years.
I didn't take it as far as some people do when they do this. I never entered into any online relationships with people. I never solicited money from anyone, etc. But, I did make some great friends and lied to every one of them.
My alter ego was essentially the idealized version of myself. He was my age, he had the same job, the same interests, the same relationships status, etc. But he was really good looking, and he had no problem saying exactly what he thought and being blunt about it. This was something people admired about him and it was something that got him a lot of attention, both negative and positive.
I did this on a message board (not this one, heh) And while he made tons of friends on that board, the mods hated him.
I have been called a pussy my entire life by several people. This started when I was really young with my parents. And my alter ego was strong. I don't mean physically strong necessarily. But he was no one who anyone would call a pussy.
This was a way to escape my awful life and de-stress. My significant other at the time knew I did this. My counselor at the time also knew. And in the end I even fessed up to one of my close friends online that I wasn't who they thought I was. I just kept telling myself that it was alright as long as I wasn't hurting anyone. I guess I didn't realize that I was hurting myself.
So now here it is, four years later. I thought I had come to terms with everything. But I've been going through a bout of depression since January of this year. And for the last two weeks or so, it's almost like I've been mourning his loss. I miss that part of myself, I miss those days when I was him, I miss my friends, etc. But, at the same time I am wrecked with guilt over what I did.
My alter ego saved marriages, he talked people out of suicide. I/he helped people. I had an identity on this same board as my true self. I tried to befriend all the friends he had as myself. The plan was to make friends with all of them as me, then have him slowly fade away. But people just didn't find the real me as interesting I guess.
Eventually he got banned. And surprisingly enough, he had a big enough following on that forum that several of the regulars were pissed that he got banned, and some of them created their own forum as a result of this and made him a mod. That forum is still in operation... but after a few months of him being a mod, for reasons I still don't understand, he was banned from there too. This is a betrayal I never quite came to terms with. I don't know why it happened. I never got a straight answer from the admin (who was my close friend.)
So (as myself) I told her that my alter ego attempted suicide and was now in the hospital. I am not proud of this, but I knew he had to fade away at this point. That and I won't lie, I wanted her to feel like crap for what she did.
I was never caught doing this. I was really good undercover. No one ever suspected anything. Even the friend I told was floored when he found out. But we stayed friends. I have considered the possibility that she banned me because she found out I was a fake, but I doubt that. I don't think there's any way she could have found out. But even if that were the case, she could've told me.
So, maybe it's the combination of depression, and that this final blow was never really settled, that I am suddenly feeling this sense of loss four years later.
I felt a sense of loss back when this happened. And I grieved and moved on. Now suddenly here I am with this wound re-opened. And it's probably because I am depressed and *want* to be someone else again. I have talked to my counselor about this and she has urged me not to go down that path again, which I won't. I made up my mind I wouldn't even before talking to her. It's just causing me so much pain.
I find myself reading his old emails, and old chats that were memorable enough to save, etc.
I am at a point now where I don't have a lot of social interaction with people, online or off. And as myself, I am an introverted, quiet loaner. As him... I was the opposite. Everyone gravitated toward him.
I am rambling. I hope what I'm feeling is coming through in this post. I doubt many people out there will relate. But I felt the need to post about this. I am also here in hopes of maybe making a few friends, as the real me.
MH
But something that happened years ago has been eating me up inside recently and I just feel this need to talk about it anonymously. I don't know if this is even the right part of the forum to put this. If not I'm sorry. I considered putting in the advice section but I don't know if it's advice I am looking for so much as to just get it off my chest (but comments are still welcome. I want people to comment, otherwise I would just keep it all to myself.)
And I also getting the impression this is mainly a gaming forum. But this site boasts itself as being a place to talk about anything, and it seems pretty active, so I decided to register.
So here goes... About nine years ago I created an alter ego online... and I masqueraded as him for five years.
I didn't take it as far as some people do when they do this. I never entered into any online relationships with people. I never solicited money from anyone, etc. But, I did make some great friends and lied to every one of them.
My alter ego was essentially the idealized version of myself. He was my age, he had the same job, the same interests, the same relationships status, etc. But he was really good looking, and he had no problem saying exactly what he thought and being blunt about it. This was something people admired about him and it was something that got him a lot of attention, both negative and positive.
I did this on a message board (not this one, heh) And while he made tons of friends on that board, the mods hated him.
I have been called a pussy my entire life by several people. This started when I was really young with my parents. And my alter ego was strong. I don't mean physically strong necessarily. But he was no one who anyone would call a pussy.
This was a way to escape my awful life and de-stress. My significant other at the time knew I did this. My counselor at the time also knew. And in the end I even fessed up to one of my close friends online that I wasn't who they thought I was. I just kept telling myself that it was alright as long as I wasn't hurting anyone. I guess I didn't realize that I was hurting myself.
So now here it is, four years later. I thought I had come to terms with everything. But I've been going through a bout of depression since January of this year. And for the last two weeks or so, it's almost like I've been mourning his loss. I miss that part of myself, I miss those days when I was him, I miss my friends, etc. But, at the same time I am wrecked with guilt over what I did.
My alter ego saved marriages, he talked people out of suicide. I/he helped people. I had an identity on this same board as my true self. I tried to befriend all the friends he had as myself. The plan was to make friends with all of them as me, then have him slowly fade away. But people just didn't find the real me as interesting I guess.
Eventually he got banned. And surprisingly enough, he had a big enough following on that forum that several of the regulars were pissed that he got banned, and some of them created their own forum as a result of this and made him a mod. That forum is still in operation... but after a few months of him being a mod, for reasons I still don't understand, he was banned from there too. This is a betrayal I never quite came to terms with. I don't know why it happened. I never got a straight answer from the admin (who was my close friend.)
So (as myself) I told her that my alter ego attempted suicide and was now in the hospital. I am not proud of this, but I knew he had to fade away at this point. That and I won't lie, I wanted her to feel like crap for what she did.
I was never caught doing this. I was really good undercover. No one ever suspected anything. Even the friend I told was floored when he found out. But we stayed friends. I have considered the possibility that she banned me because she found out I was a fake, but I doubt that. I don't think there's any way she could have found out. But even if that were the case, she could've told me.
So, maybe it's the combination of depression, and that this final blow was never really settled, that I am suddenly feeling this sense of loss four years later.
I felt a sense of loss back when this happened. And I grieved and moved on. Now suddenly here I am with this wound re-opened. And it's probably because I am depressed and *want* to be someone else again. I have talked to my counselor about this and she has urged me not to go down that path again, which I won't. I made up my mind I wouldn't even before talking to her. It's just causing me so much pain.
I find myself reading his old emails, and old chats that were memorable enough to save, etc.
I am at a point now where I don't have a lot of social interaction with people, online or off. And as myself, I am an introverted, quiet loaner. As him... I was the opposite. Everyone gravitated toward him.
I am rambling. I hope what I'm feeling is coming through in this post. I doubt many people out there will relate. But I felt the need to post about this. I am also here in hopes of maybe making a few friends, as the real me.
MH
