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Movies Merc's Movie Review - Snakes on a Plane *Spoiler Free*


Problematic Shitlord
As I sat in the theater, waiting for the film to start, I was really wondering how much of a disaster the film was going to be. I already had one assumption I had been stuck on and it was that the movie would suck something so awful that it would be funny as hell. Not only was it funny as hell, but it was a lot better than I expected. I tried to ignore the idiotic banter and giggling of high school kids, muttering rebelious and grown up words like "fag" and "cunt" and chuckling like baboons each time one taboo word was spoken. The curtains opened and as Maddox likes to put it, my face was quickly "rocked off."

A quick summary: SoaP stars Samuel Jackson as an FBI agent assigned to protect a young man who witnessed a mob crime. During their flight from Honolulu to LA, a crate of exotic poisonous snakes is opened via timer. The plane fills with snakes and everybody must band together to save themselves . . . with Mr. Jackson at the head, of course.

Since the details of the movie seeped onto the internet, all lifeforms of internet folk couldn't get enough of this supposed joke of a movie. The hype kept building and building until eventually, everyone got the idea that the movie was not to be taken seriously at all. Anyone who owns a computer knows this. This was evident as I slowly watched the theater fill with giddy movie patrons, dying to hear the popular internet clip and soon to be infamous quote from the movie, "I've had it with these motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!" To which the audience responded with one of the biggest roars of applause I've ever heard anywhere in my life.

Snakes on a Plane represents something that the American movie-goer simply doesn't appreciate anymore: the good old-fashioned popcorn flick, a simple movie with a simple premise and dialogue and everything else exaggerated (the action, the injuries, the suspense). I loved watching pointless action flicks as a kid and I still do. That's not to say that SoaP is just a pointless action movie. It was several genres in one. SoaP is a paradox really, because it's action, suspense, comedy, and excessive product placement all in one.

The pros of the movie are only obvious if you're not some snobby, rock-up-my-ass type that nitpicks movies and expects them to give you something in return, like a healthy Christian moral or an epic journey of self-realization and drama. What I was saying earlier about the extinction of the American popcorn flick, is that they represent what movies were created for: pure entertainment. SoaP is the perfectly wrapped gift for a great laugh, a cheap scare, and a few moments that will really make you cringe, male and female alike (purple nurple anybody?).

It's upsetting to have to mention cons of a movie that was never meant to be taken seriously. With lines like (minor spoiler) . . .

Hot flight attendant: "I went through a pyromaniac stage as a kid,"
*Hands Jackson a homemade flamethrower*
Sam J: "You too?"

. . . It's hard to take it serious. One obvious flaw is the dialogue, as previously shown. It's clumsy, stupid and lame at some parts to the point where I found myself speaking in chorus with half the theater, "What the fuck?" The plot is thin, but enough to explain all the necessary action and suspense. Well, nothing can really escape snakes while on a plane, especially horny snakes. I'm serious.

So if you've been following the latest internet memes and lore of Sam Jackson's self-proclaimed "greatest motion picture of all time," you won't be disappointed. It's goofy, full of suspense, action and gore, has great humor, and will pretty much live up to all the expectations that you've heard from the internet and funny papers. Yes, it's a two out of five star movie to probably every single critic, but ignore them, they're wrong. SoaP is highly entertaining if you want a great time.

Merc's Final Grade: For those with a rock up their ass: 48/100 F
For everyone else: 89/100 A-

NOTE: More may be added to the review, it's just damned late and I need some sleep, so until then, good night!

EDIT: This shouldn't be merged with Italiano's thread because mine has no spoilers, Senator. I think it needs to stay it's own thread.
SenatorEdit: I guess if you say so... *shrug*