Man Charged With Screwing his patio table

Hanzo_Hattori

For the Horde!
#1
Police in Ohio say that a married father of three has confessed to repeatedly having sex with his patio picnic table.


Art Price, Jr., 40, has been charged with four counts of public indecency after a neighbor videotaped him getting all nasty with the umbrella hole in the middle of his plastic picnic table. Apparently preferring the table's legs in the air, Price reportedly flipped the table over before forcing himself inside of it.

Price admitted that his skeevy antics took place both inside and outside of his home, and police say he did his table humping in broad daylight, not far from a school.

In addition to public outrage, we imagine there's considerable jealousy among Price's other lawn furniture. While barbecues and lawn chairs don't have many places for good loving (unless you're big enough for that drink holder), we're sure that plastic gnome hiding in the hedges is wondering why he wasn't chosen. The garden hose, however, is probably pretty relieved. No Picnic: Man Charged With Screwing a Patio Table - Asylum | For All Mankind
Bahahahahahaha!!!! WTF LMFAO
 

Merc

Certified Shitlord
V.I.P.
#3
I had so many ideas on how to wittily respond to this but I simply can't pick one. The story is enough.
 

kiwi

The Original Kiwi
#4
if you are that desperate at least go buy a real doll or fleshlight or something.

Ewwww, can you imagine being a neighbor that was invited over and had eaten dinner off that rable the read this article and find out what he had been doing to it?
 

Doc

Trust me, I'm The Doctor.
V.I.P.
#5
Haha, he deserves what he can get. I guess his wife wasn't giving him any.

How embarrassing it has to be for him to get arrested for screwing a table.
 

Merc

Certified Shitlord
V.I.P.
#7
I hope to God he doesn't have a wife.

She'll be single for life if her husband chose to cheat on her with patio furniture. I mean, can't you say "at least he cheated on me with a person"?
 

PretzelCorps

Registered Member
#10
I'm trying very hard not to come up with a single word answer for this topic...

I think I'll just list some of them:

- Wow...
- Jesus...
- Christ...
- Um...
- Shit...
- Fuck...
- Holy...


Pick whichever one you feel is best for this situation.