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Leadership

SuiGeneris

blue 3


We marched down the valley,
boys beside men,
heading towards battle,
that we knew was about to begin.

We each said our prayers
to live past this day,
We were lead by our captians,
Our confidence kept in the words they said.

Then the bullets came,
Cheering on our pain,
as boy fell beside man,
in this bloody rain.

The bees stop stinging
for a second or two
just long enough
To see our flag push through.

The captain had ran,
at the first sight of fight,
indeed it was the flagbearer
who was the leader that night.

He bled on the grass
lying next to the enemy
he still clutched the flag,
That had pushed us free.

And so this is what I write,
A message that is undeniably true,
Actions speak louder than words,
For a simpleton like me or you.​

I think the ending is kind've weak, but let me know what you guys think. Comments/Critiqs appreciated, and a rating if you want as well. :)
 

Icyblackflame

Registered Member
Aww! Another cute thing. Some of the rhyming doesn't work out perfectly, but I know that can be hard. Still, somehow, you made it work anyway.

And that deserves another slap. I can't believe you! Two good poems in a row!

This reminds me! I wrote a poem about leadership in the 9th grade, although I'd call it suckish and...kind of goo- nope. Just purely dumb. However, I got an "A" on it for some reason (stupid crackhead teacher) or another...I actually got "A's" on all of my poetry, but most likely because my treacher felt sorry for my poor attempts. But then again....I donno. Usless yap, this is. Sorry.

Back to your poem. Uh....question. Can I have your autograph? I want it so when you become a famous poet, I can sell it on ebay and make quick cash!

...Know what?In that case, why stop at one? Can I have 650? Just as a start? (And if you don't get famous, then I'll sue you for useless wasting of paper, even though I'll get laughed out of court.

...Probably won't even get in it.

..Yeah...I'm gonna shut up now before someone gets hurt reading this..
-Icyblackflame
 

Vidic15

No Custom Title Exists
V.I.P.
Great Poem..Pretty Impressive

Then the bullets came,
Cheering on our pain,
as boy fell beside man,
in this bloody rain.

The bees stop stinging
for a second or two
just long enough
To see our flag push through.

The captain had ran,
at the first sight of fight,
indeed it was the flagbearer
who was the leader that night.
Thats the best parts and has rhytm
 

SuiGeneris

blue 3
Thanks for the responses. I am still stumped on how to get that flow completely through. I'll get it eventually, but I agree with you DRXX, that is my favorite part of the poem.

My least favorite is the ending, but that'll fall in place someday.

Thanks for the comments they mean everything to me.
 
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