Jokes of all kinds are welcome here so please share your jokes now matter how bad or good they are or if you think everyone has heard them. Q. How do you drown a blonde in a submarine?? A. Knock on the door. Carol: Why didn't you marry that gorgeous girl you were dateing?? Randy: Things were going great until I told her about my rich uncle. Now she's my rich aunt. Q. What do you call ten rabbits walking backwards?? A. A receding hare line. Blonde: I've lost my dog. Red head: Why don't you put an ad in the paper?? Blonde: That won't help my dog can't read. One day a blonde sets her house on fire by accident. she calls the firemen for help. they ask "how do we get to your house??" she answers "duh big red truck!" one day a blonde astronaut was having lunch with two other astronauts. She asks one "where have you been??" they answer "I have been to Mars." she asks the other the same question and they reply "I've been venus. where have you been??" she answers "oh no where yet but I am planning on going to the sun." one of them says "you can't do that your ship will get to hot and melt." she says "I know that I'm gonna go at night." Husband: hey where's my favorite t-shirt?? Wife: Its on the sofa. Husband: Theres nothing on the sofa except as funny lookin pillow. Wife. If you think its funny looking now you should have seen it on you. One day two men named Shutup and Trouble were taking a walk. Somehow Trouble gets lost so Shutup goes to a cop for help. The cop asks him "Whats your name??" he answers "Shutup!" Cop asks again "whats your name??" again he answers "Shutup!" Cop then asks "Are you lookin for trouble??" Shutup says "ya have you seen him??" There was this cabdriver who picked up a nun a few blocks down he said "I've always had a fantasy to be kissed by a nun." The nun says "well there are two things you must be. You must be catholic and you must be single." He said "I am both of those." So the nun said "Alright pull into the next alley and I'll fullfill your fantasy." So he did and they started kissing and he suddenly started crying. The nun asked him "whats wrong??" He answered "I'm really a jew and I'm married." The nun says "it's alright my name is really Steve and I'm on my way to a Halloween party." There was this mother about to do some night cleaning and she asked her son to go get the broom from outside. The son said "mommy I'm scared it's night. It's dark out there." The mother said "don't worry Jesus is everwhere." So he said "alright mommy." So he goes to the back door and peeks his head out and says "Jesus I know your out there so can you please hand me the broom??" Blonde news reporter: Whats the weather like for the rest of the week?? Weather person: Snowy and cold all week. Blonde news reporter: What about thursday?? Weather person: All week! Brunette: I'm writing my autobiography Blonde: oh about who?? Roses are red violets are blue I'm schizophrenic and so am I woohoo! Ever seen Stevie Wonders car?? Neither has he... Down in Luisianna where the grass grows green a puddy cat was sitting on a sewing machine. The machine was a singer and began to hum. And put five stitches in the puddy cats bum. Two in a car. Two little kisses. Two weeks later Mr. and Mrs. One day a blonde was walking down the street when she saw a brunette sitting on a park bench facing the traffic repeating over and over "28 28 28 28..." the blonde walks up to her and says "that looks like fun can I join in??" the brunette says "ya sure" so for a little while they both sit there repeating "28 28 28 28 28 28..." the brunette suddenly turns to the blonde and says "its more fun if you stand out and do it." blonde says "ok" and goes out into the street and starts repeating "28 28 28.." when she gets run over by a bus. brunette sits there and repeats "29 29 29 29 29..." 5 minute Management Course Lesson 1: getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you £800 to drop that towel.' After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies. 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?' Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.' Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 3: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.' 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in theBahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone. 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.' Puff! He's gone. 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.' Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say . Lesson 4 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.' So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 5 A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.' The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull S *# t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.. Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who s *#* s on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s *# t is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep s*# t, it's best to keep your mouth shut! A policeman riding down the highway on his motorbike pulled over an amish couple riding in their buggy. He pointed out that the buggy's reins were awkwardly positioned so that one rein was looped around the donkey's testicles. He advised the woman driving, to unloop the rein so that the donkey might move more comfortably. The lady thanked the officer, who sped off on his way. "What'd he say, honey?" the woman's husband asked. "I dunno, something wrong with the emergency-brake..." Two 6 year old boys were attending religious school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest. The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there. The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing. The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?" The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!" Making Babies... The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.' Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...' 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.' 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?' 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat ! After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?' 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.' 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!' Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.' 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.' 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said. 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat. 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith. 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look' 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.' Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?' 'It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.' 'Tripod?' 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.' Mrs.Smith fainted The sharing of marriage... The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered… "THE TEETH." Two women were in the living-room having tea, when one of them noticed a box next to the couch. It was open and there were papers all over the floor. "Mabel darling!" said the first woman, "What's all this stuff?" "That, Susan, are all the papers which Tony left behind when he died", her friend replies. "Oh dear..." "I know...so many of them!" Mabel bent down and picked up a few, "...birth-certificate...marriage-license...university degree...death-certificate..." Susan picked up the death-certificate and read it slowly. Then, she raised an eyebrow. "Mabel, I think the doctor made a mistake here," she said, "It's whited-out and you've got 'Gonorrhea' as the cause of death. I thought Tony died from dehydration from severe diaorrhea? You know? After that trip you went on to the tropics?" "I know, dear," said Mabel, "But you know what our marriage was like..." Susan nodded and started sipping her tea. "...I wanted to remember him as a great lover..." Susan nodded again and resumed her tea-drinking. "...instead of the pain in the ass he always was". Susan choked on her tea. Lloyd the bartender was sitting back, relaxing, when one of his regulars came into the bar and sat down. "Hey Mikey". "Lloyd. One beer thanks". "Sure Mikey". Lloyd pulled the beer and then checked the time on his watch. "You're here a bit early, aren't you?" "Yeah, the wife kicked me outta the house. She said something about me never listening to her and something else..." "Yeah, what?" "I dunno, I wasn't paying attention..." These jokes are from Mary Poppins but I love them and wanted to share them... One day a ladys doorbell was ringing and she opened her door and there was a man there. And the man said to the lady "I'm terribly sorry I just ran over your cat." And the man said "I would like to replace your cat." And the lady said "Well thats fine with me but how are you at catching mice??" Two friends are talking and one says "I know a guy who works in a watch factory." Friends number 2 says "In a watch factory?? What does he do??" Friend number 1 says "He stands about all day and makes faces." Bert: Speakin' o' names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith. Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg? Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he has a nightmare. He was so scared, he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. In the morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth." [Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder] Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke. Uncle Albert: [sobbing] No, and that was nothing like a good joke. ipstick in School: According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers. . . and then there are educators. St. Peter was sitting at his desk at the Pearly Gates reading a letter he received from God. "Dear Peter, Due to the recent catastrophe on Earth, there is a shortage of space in Heaven at the moment. Please be as discerning and as selective as possible when admitting people through the Pearly Gates. Only the most deserving should be allowed through. Yours, God". St. Peter put the letter down and noticed three men standing in front of him. "Yes sir!" said the saint to the first man, "How did you die?" "I came home from work and found my wife in the company of another man. I chased him around the apartment and he ran out onto the balcony and jumped over the edge to escape me. I stared down and saw him hanging from a tree-branch. I ran to the kitchen, picked up the refrigerator and threw it down after him. The effort caused me to have a heart-attack and I...died". "I see. Very well, go through...And you, sir?" "Well I was delivering pizza to the apartment when that maniac chased me around the room! I jumped over the balcony to escape and I was just climbing down the tree when he threw the fridge at me!" "Oh dear! You go right through! And lastly...you sir!" "Okay get this...I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." Blonde: A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." **BLONDE JOKE alert / BLONDE JOKE alert / BLONDE JOKE alert** A lady walks into an electronics store and points to a likely item behind a display-glass. "Excuse me," she says to one of the store-clerks, "I'd like to look at that microwave". "Sorry miss, we don't serve blondes. Store policy". The lady goes to the hairdresser and dyes her hair red. She comes back the next day. "I'd like to have a look at that microwave if you don't mind," she says, to another clerk. "Sorry lady, we don't serve blondes. Store policy", says the other clerk. The lady goes to the hairdresser's and dyes her hair BROWN. She comes back the next day. "Excuse me sir, I'd like to have a look at that microwave," she says to an older store-clerk. "Sorry ma'am but we don't serve blondes at this store". Now thoroughly frustrated, the lady goes back to the hairdresser's and dyes her hair BLACK. She comes back the next day and spots the same young man who served her on her first visit. "Excuse me young man," she says, "But I would very much like to have a look at that microwave, if you don't mind". "We don't serve blondes here! I'm sorry but that's the store's policy!" "HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW I'M A BLONDE!?" "That's an iPhone. We sold the microwave Tuesday afternoon". A woman dies and goes to heaven. She checks in with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and is led through into Heaven. While St. Peter is describing everything to her, the lady hears a horrible scream! She jumps and turns to Peter. "What's that!?" she asks. "Oh a new saint is having a hole drilled in her head for her halo". "Oh my..." A couple of minutes later, she hears another two screams! She turns to the saint again! "That's the two holes being drilled into the shoulder-blades for the attachment of wings," Peter explains, calmly. "Do I have to have all that done?" the lady asks. "Oh yes!" "I'm leaving!" "What!?" "I don't care where I go, just anywhere but here! Not if I have to have THAT done to me!" "Yes but...if you leave Heaven you will go directly to Hell!" "Then I'll go there, then!" "But you'll be abused and raped and sodomised!" "Yes! But at least I already have the holes for that!" Three retired morticians share their greatest triumphs. The first, Bob, chuckles, "I had a man, in his 20's, sawed in half by a chainsaw. It took me three days... It was an open casket funeral." "Bob," Jimmy said, "I got one better than that, "Had a young woman, half run over by a steam roller, took me TWO days. Still it was open casket funeral." He ended with a smirk. "How about you Jack?" Jake shakes his head, "You both got me beat. The best I can come up with was a middle aged woman who jumped out of an airplane. You know... what do they call it? Sky diving... that's right! That one took me a while." "Let me guess, she fell flat on her face?" Bob interrupted. "No, no," Jack continued, "She landed on top of the Empire States building. It was hard case, too, and I finished it in four days, no less. However, it was open casket funeral." "I don't get it, Jack. That's impalement" Bob quipped, "I have had six or seven of those in my career in hours or less. I can do those in my sleep." "True, true," Jack replied, "But, what took so long was getting that g*dd*mn smile off of her face!" A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded... "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!" A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?" The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need." She asks, "What's that?" The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!" A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klopman." After the Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."