Yes, here we go again, another jokes htread!!
Talking DogOn their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heaven's gate waiting for St. Peter to admit them. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sits waiting for two months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wondered. "Are we stuck together forever?"
St. Peter finally returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple. "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great," says the couple. "But what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.
"Come on!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer?"
Last one for now!One day, down in Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner, Bubba, tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black lab just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the lab replies.
"So, what's your story?
The lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I really wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks Bubba what he wants for the dog.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed the man had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
The little boy replied, "My daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
The boy said, "My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting very impatient, said, "I am the father of hundreds!", and then went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly but as he left the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead."
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope, my name is Jones. Jim Christian's farm is a mile south of here."
The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days."
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a poem and they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a song and they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"