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It is just sex right?

Ilus_Unistus

Registered Member
I am in confusing place right now, and I turn to you for advise for me.

My BF (Jaan) who I think is wonderful person, treats me very well and I have known for many years as my best friend even before we date has asked something of me I do not understand.

So, Jaan and I were laying in bed together last night after having sex. He and I were talking and he says how much he is in love with me and how I make him feel so lucky to be with me, and I feel the same for him. Then he says he wishes to ask me a question that may seem strange to me, so I say to ask.

He says to me he would like very much to see me having sex with another guy... He says he feels because he is of average size he would like me to be with guy who is larger because he think this would be better to me... I say I am very happy with him and do not need anyone else to have sex with, but he says just to see me being satisfied by another would mean so much to him and is something he wants very badly and "it is just sex right?" and does not mean I must love the "other guy"...

I do not understand why he wishes for me to do this, I am sure he loves me and I feel like he is the one who would always be there for me and make me happy, but I do not know how to make him understand I am happy with only him and do not understand why he wishes me to do this.

Does this make any sense to anyone? Why would he ask this of me? What can this mean?
 

Doc

Trust me, I'm The Doctor.
V.I.P.
I think this is going to cause problems for you because he doesn't seem to have the same ideals in a relationship as you.

He's for an "open' relationship and you seem to be very monogamous.
 

generalblue

Where is my Queen?
Holy cow, why would he ask that?! He either wants an open relationship, or is very insecure about the size of his Johnson. I would sit him down and have a serious talk with him.
 

Daemonic

Registered Member
I've wanted to video tape a girlfriend having sex with someone else, it's a fantasy. I don't think he wants you to love the person, that would be cheating. My reason has nothing to do with size though, I just have a different view on sex that most people.
 
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Merc

Problematic Shitlord
V.I.P.
I don't think it has anything to do with an "open relationship". It's most likely just a fetish or fantasy of his. Just talk to him about it and if you're not up for it, he'll have to accept and understand that.
 

Ilus_Unistus

Registered Member
I know sex is not love, but to me it something you do with someone you love. To me I would feel first like slut to have sex with another guy, second I would feel as this would hurt Jaan to see... I do not understand how he can want this for me or think this is something I would want. If I were to see Jaan with another girl it would hurt me very badly. I explain all of this to Jaan and he says to me "I do not understand and I see sex as love and not an activity for fun" But as I say, sex is not love, I know this. I said I could not do this, but Jaan wishes me to think more about it and to let him know.

Now I worry with my answer. If I say yes, I will for him if this is really what he wishes then I feel as I said this will hurt him, not even to say how it would make me to feel... If I say no and this to him is something like fetish or fantasy for him how will this change our relationship? Maybe he will find someone else who will for him and throw away our relationship because I feel as I do.

I am not sure if I should even be upset at Jaan for asking this! It is something very confused to me...
 

generalblue

Where is my Queen?
Well if you don't want to do it then don't do it! If he truly loves you he will understand. It could be a fetish like whats Constatine said. I have alot of fetishes that I want to do and I never do them. A fetish is something easy to get over, but love is something hard to get over. Like I said, do what you feel is right, not what will make him happy.
 

PretzelCorps

Registered Member
Ilus said:
I know sex is not love, but to me it something you do with someone you love.
Put that way... What's the difference?

I've said it before; if you felt the need to discuss this with uninvolved people, then really, you already have the answer to your own question.

Ilus said:
To me I would feel first like slut to have sex with another guy...
You need to explain to him that he is basically asking you to harm yourself --> You seem to have made it clear that you have no desire to do this, and for him to continue to demand it once you explain it to him would be unfair to you.
 

SmilinSilhouette

Registered Member
I think this is a very creepy thing to ask, and I believe is not about your enjoyment but his. This seems obviously true to me as this whole idea seems to be quite upsetting to you. I think that you deserve better and I hope that you will seriously reconsider your relationship with this person. It would seem that he does not truly respect you or your feelings and in a way sees you as an object and would put you in an uncomfortable position for his own gratification. I think that although you love this person that he is not the right one for you. I hope that you will find a way to move on and find someone who cherishes you in a way that you deserve. At the very least I hope that you do not submit to his wishes to make him happy as I believe that it will make you unhappy and forever change you in a negative way. This is also one of the ways that pimps make girls into their prostitutes, and that is a scary development to me.

Good luck to you my friend, should you ever need a friend to talk to feel free to send me a PM.
 

Daemonic

Registered Member
I find it a little ridiculous to compare a guy asking his girlfriend if she will join in a fantasy to a pimp.... and insulting to the poor girls that have been picked up and would be in a much better place if the worst they did was find a boyfriend that wanted them to have sex with someone else. I have a fantasy about seeing a girlfriend with another guy and am certainly not anything like a pimp, and do not manipulate and abuse women. If he kept pushing it I would say it's a problem but it doesn't sound like the OP has expressed her true feelings.

If she said no and he loves her he should respect her even more for holding on to her own morals. If she said yes he should love her just the same. If not he is a douche.....

I really don't see what's so complicated about it.
 
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