I need relationship tips

[lavoidgaskins]

After taking a long time to think about things I still don't know if I should post this here or in the relationship thread. If you feel I should post this in the relationship threas then please move it.

Basicly I want some tips on how to keep my relationship running smoothly. I've been in this relationship for 3 years and I want it to last much longer than that.

Some times we fight (not fist fighting) and I don't like to fight with my girlfriend. Due to problems in the past things can be ruff from time to time. If any one here has some advise on how to keep things moving on please let me know.

 

[Merc]

Well, things get rough. It just happens. You need to deal with it and make sure your girl knows you still care about her and want to be with her. Married couples argue too, it's just the way things work. If a couple never fights, they're cheating on each other.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

There has to be a large amount of give and take for a relationship to be sucessful. You're not going to see eye to eye on everything so you both need to learn how to do two things. One, you need to know what's worth fighting over and what's not. If you're fighting over petty nonsense all the time you're doing what I call looking for fly shit in the pepper. Life's too short to argue over inconsequential garbage like this. Two, if you're arguing over something more serious you need to learn to set a limit on how far you're willing to go in the argument. There comes a point in an argument where you'll either convince your partner you're correct or they'll convince you that they are, or you'll reach an impass. When you reach that point to have to both be willing to simply agree to disagree and then move on.


One of the biggest causes of a breakdown in a relationship, other than infidelity that I've witnessed is a lack of communication between partners. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and at the same time you need to be willing to listen and try to look at things through their eyes for a moment. Probably the next largest problem would be when one or the other has a smothering and controlling personality. There has to be space given to each other for it to work, otherwise you'll just burn out on each other. Very early on in our relationship both my wife and I established that we wanted and were willing to give each other the freedom we needed to be ourselves with the utmost trust. I trust her implicitly and she feels the same way. When she wanted to head out clubbing with the girls, instead of sitting around worrying about whether or not she was going to be unfaithful, I would put my emotional energy into hoping that she was going to have a good time and enjoy herself. She's always done the same for me.


I remember going out to a club with a few buddies one night while she went out with a few of her friends. All of us were married at the time and still pretty young. Well, just by accident, she and her friends show up at the club we're at, and there I am dancing my ass off with this really pretty girl. My wife came up to me, planted a huge kiss on my cheek and asked me if I was having fun. I kissed her back and told her that I was and the only thing she said to me was that she wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be getting too hammered to drive. Then she introduced herself to this girl and left with her friends. The next day she told me that all of her friends were livid because she didn't blow up about it. She just told them she trusted me and that that's just the way the two of us are. Her friends told her they would never trust their husband if they saw them dancing with another woman. Ironically, all of those friends of hers who had trust issues are now divorced at least once while we're working on our 21st year of marriage.



Hoosier.

 

[Merc]

If you're fighting over petty nonsense all the time you're doing what I call looking for fly shit in the pepper.

That may be one of the greatest analogies I've ever heard. For the record Hoosier, I just want to say once again that you're doing an amazing job with this section.

I definitely can relate to the lack of communications aspect. I think it was part of the reason my first relationship ended and it was the reason I have lost several friends. Communicating is really one of the most vital parts of a friendship/relationship.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

You really have to pick your battles, Merc. My late father said it best, and this applies to all things.

"Son, don't sweat the small shit. There's no need to go looking for trouble, enough of it will find you."

Hoosier.

 

[SenatorB]

Excellent post, Hoosier... I really have nothing to add to that except to say that everybody argues sometimes, and the important thing is to not let things get too serious and to be able to forgive and forget. If you can make up and understand why the argument happened, you can fix the problem... it's only when neither side is willing to bend and be open that things slowly start going bad.

 

[lavoidgaskins]

There has to be a large amount of give and take for a relationship to be sucessful. You're not going to see eye to eye on everything so you both need to learn how to do two things. One, you need to know what's worth fighting over and what's not. If you're fighting over petty nonsense all the time you're doing what I call looking for fly shit in the pepper. Life's too short to argue over inconsequential garbage like this. Two, if you're arguing over something more serious you need to learn to set a limit on how far you're willing to go in the argument. There comes a point in an argument where you'll either convince your partner you're correct or they'll convince you that they are, or you'll reach an impass. When you reach that point to have to both be willing to simply agree to disagree and them move on.


One of the biggest causes of a breakdown in a relationship, other than infidelity that I've witnessed is a lack of communication between partners. Don't be afraid to speak your mind and at the same time you need to be willing to listen and try to look at things through their eyes for a moment. Probably the next largest problem would be when one or the other has a smothering and controlling personality. There has to be space given to each other for it to work, otherwise you'll just burn out on each other. Very early on in our relationship both my wife and I established that we wanted and were willing to give each other the freedom we needed to be ourselves with the utmost trust. I trust her implicitly and she feels the same way. When she wanted to head out clubbing with the girls, instead of sitting around worrying about whether or not she was going to be unfaithful, I would put my emotional energy into hoping that she was going to have a good time and enjoy herself. She's always done the same for me.


I remember going out to a club with a few buddies one night while she went out with a few of her friends. All of us were married at the time and still pretty young. Well, just by accident, she and her friends show up at the club we're at, and there I am dancing my ass off with this really pretty girl. My wife came up to me, planted a huge kiss on my cheek and asked me if I was having fun. I kissed her back and told her that I was and the only thing she said to me was that she wanted to make sure I wasn't going to be getting too hammered to drive. Then she introduced herself to this girl and left with her friends. The next day she told me that all of her friends were livid because she didn't blow up about it. She just told them she trusted me and that that's just the way the two of us are. Her friends told her they would never trust their husband if they saw them dancing with another woman. Ironically, all of those friends of hers who had trust issues are now divorced at least once while we're working on our 21st year of marriage.



Hoosier.

Sorry but I just couldn't stop laughing at your wife’s friends. It was certainly ironic if you as me. Well any ways thanks for the advice. I have more question though. I mean you said it's good to have alone time, and I'm all for it to a certain amount, but what if you aren't use to it? What if you are insecure?

To tell the truth those questions relate to me 100%. I'm use to spending a lot of time with my girlfriend. Back when we lived in N.Y.C that’s all we did. Now that we have moved to G.A is different. One of us is always out and when she is home at times she rather just relax and play a video game or something. Me on the other hand I would rather just spend time with her talking. Is it wrong for me to want to spend all my time with her?

It's just all so confusing. I like spending a lot of time with her. She is my soft spot and I like having her near. Though I must admit that I like just kicking it with the guys. That's what brings me to my insecurities I guess.

When I'm not with her I have a hard time. I don't always have a hard time but sometimes I think what she is doing. It's not like I can just pick up the phone can call. I be worried. A part of me wonders if she may be cheating, but I know it's because I have cheated on her in the past. I'm all fucked up I swear.

 

[Merc]

I know how you feel, Lavoid. You have to trust her though. Has she done anything to make you think she'd do that? If not, then you're just worrying too much. I do it, too. It's perfectly fine to want to be with her, that's how it works out when you really care for someone. But you do have to give them their space.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have more question though. I mean you said it's good to have alone time, and I'm all for it to a certain amount, but what if you aren't use to it? What if you are insecure?

If you're an insecure person then you need to work on yourself before you work on maintaining a lasting relationship. Unless, of course, you wish to be attatched to a controlling battle axe that treats you like a dog. That's probably what you'll end up with if you don't build your confidence and take charge of your independance first.

To tell the truth those questions relate to me 100%. I'm use to spending a lot of time with my girlfriend. Back when we lived in N.Y.C that’s all we did. Now that we have moved to G.A is different. One of us is always out and when she is home at times she rather just relax and play a video game or something. Me on the other hand I would rather just spend time with her talking. Is it wrong for me to want to spend all my time with her?

In a word, yes. You need to diversify your interests and while doing so find some that don't include her. I don't care if if it's fishing, bowling, or kite flying, you need find something to spend time away from her. That doesn't mean you should neglect her and be gone all the time, but if you don't stop smothering her, the flame will burn out.

It's just all so confusing. I like spending a lot of time with her. She is my soft spot and I like having her near. Though I must admit that I like just kicking it with the guys. That's what brings me to my insecurities I guess.

I'll bet she likes having you near as well. Otherwise, why would she still be with you. As much as you enjoy "kicking it" with the guys, don't you think she needs to be afforded the same opportunity to "kick it" with the girls?"

When I'm not with her I have a hard time. I don't always have a hard time but sometimes I think what she is doing. It's not like I can just pick up the phone can call. I be worried. A part of me wonders if she may be cheating, but I know it's because I have cheated on her in the past. I'm all fucked up I swear.

Here some of the heart of the problem comes out. You're feeling more than just insecure, you're feeling guilt and jealousy. You stepped out on her and now you're projecting your faux paux into her. Well, it shouldn't be that way. As Merc just said, until she gives you a fair reason for you to reasonably assert that she's cheating on you, stop worrying about it. Here it is in a nutshell. Until you learn to trust a partner you're destined for rocky relationships.


Hoosier.

 

[lavoidgaskins]

If you're an insecure person then you need to work on yourself before you work on maintaining a lasting relationship. Unless, of course, you wish to be attatched to a controlling battle axe that treats you like a dog. That's probably what you'll end up with if you don't build your confidence and take charge of your independance first.

Okie since I wrote that I've taken some time to think. I realize why and it's a bunch of crap.


In a word, yes. You need to diversify your interests and while doing so find some that don't include her. I don't care if if it's fishing, bowling, or kite flying, you need find something to spend time away from her. That doesn't mean you should neglect her and be gone all the time, but if you don't stop smothering her, the flame will burn out.

I do have intrest. They aren't alway the righ things to do in her mind or I just don't have the funds to do so. I mena as every one knows I love Yu-Gi-Oh! and I would love to go to a Showen Jump, problem is I don't have money for that. As for somehting I can do that isn't costly is just hanging out with people. Problem is I love chilling with the guys and tons of females. I don't know what it is, but females are just fun to kick it with.

I'll bet she likes having you near as well. Otherwise, why would she still be with you. As much as you enjoy "kicking it" with the guys, don't you think she needs to be afforded the same opportunity to "kick it" with the girls?"

Trust me she probaly doesn't like having me around. If she did I wouldn't have left the house the other day wiht out tellign her where I was going. SHe had rahter play the sims and stuff so I jsut left and came back 2.5 hours later. According to her thats messed up and such. She says she would have spend time with me and that's what she was about to do, but she was only goign to do that because the game wasn't working for her.


Here some of the heart of the problem comes out. You're feeling more than just insecure, you're feeling guilt and jealousy. You stepped out on her and now you're projecting your faux paux into her. Well, it shouldn't be that way. As Merc just said, until she gives you a fair reason for you to reasonably assert that she's cheating on you, stop worrying about it. Here it is in a nutshell. Until you learn to trust a partner you're destined for rocky relationships.

Your right I am feeling guilt and jealousy. I wont lie about it. I feel bad that I've done things to hurt her. It makes me feel terrible inside. It's why I think that she may cheat on me. That in itself is what makes me jealous as well. I'm not the richiest peron or the best looking. Some times I justt fear that she may get with some one else.


I know I have ot trust her and I'm trying. Trust me I am. That doesn't mean it isn't hard. While I'm off having a good time wiht my friends she doesn't know if I'm doign something, and thats the same case. I just need to learn to be trusting. With out trust I can't do any thing.


Some times I just think about the past and realize this is what me and her have always spoke about. Me and her have left N.Y.C behind us to start off new lifes and yet I'm still stook to the past. I know the past bilds the future, but I have to let things go.

I'm stuck on dum things that I shouldn't be stuck on. Hopefully I'll be able to move on and pass these childish things. I'm no longer a child. I don't live under my parents rules any more. It's time for me to be a man and I just have to accept things as they are and become a man.

Thanks every body you helped a lot.

Hoosier.

I simply added my side of the story as if we were talking. Hope that didn't confuse you.