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How much does family matter?

Hilander

Free Spirit
Staff member
V.I.P.
Lets say you have met someone and things are getting serious so you decide to meet the family.

When you do meet them you realize they aren't your average family, they are really odd, possibly mental, there are things about their behavior you just don't like at all. Or they behaved normal but there seems to be a lot of inherited medical problems in the family or birth defects and you want kids.

Would you overlook it and continue with the relationship or end it?

Would there be any reason you would end a relationship because of family?

Does the family even matter?
 
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Merc

Problematic Shitlord
V.I.P.
To me, you're ultimately dating one person, not their family. That being said, I'd imagine the strain would be significant if their family really gets to you. One scenario you still see these days is when two people come from different religious backgrounds and one family is ready to disown one of the couple for their decision.

Either way, families always have oddballs and always have people you won't get along with. Ultimately, I guess I would rate family as somewhat important. My partner will always be my priority.
 

Major

4 legs good 2 legs bad
V.I.P.
It's funny. I've been thinking about making this same exact thread and I've had it saved in my notepad for a while. Did you hack my account, Hilander? :)

Anyway, I might take some heat for saying this, but a partner's family matters to me quite a bit. Ultimately, the girl I'm dating is the most important thing in the relationship and I know people can't choose their families, so you can't really hold that against someone and I'm not sure I would ever end a relationship solely for that reason, but it still matters. Especially if there's a chance that we'll be having children together in the future. What their family is like can say a lot about how they might go about raising your children.
 

Hilander

Free Spirit
Staff member
V.I.P.
I think family does matter because they will be part of your life like it or not. Their actions can put a strain on any marriage and cause turmoil. Then if there is some sort of inherited physical or mental problem your future spouse could pass it on to your children. Or eventually they could suffer from it themselves.

However you have to judge if its going to be a problem for you. You might not even live that close to the family or maybe you could adopt if there is some sort of genetic problem. If its a problem your future spouse has also you won't be able to get away from that though. If you are deeply in love and a strong person that might not hinder you either.

For me personally it would depend on the problem and how bad it was. Lets say there was a lot mental issues in his family and after I met them I could see signs of it in him I don't know if I would want to deal with that. Just because they had one person in the family with problems, mental or physical, or you couldn't get along with I don't think would phase me.
 

dDave

Well-Known Member
V.I.P.
It depends on exactly which problems the family has and how much that actually impacts the person I'm dating as far as personal relations with family and who they are.

I can get past a lot of mental issues but some are just simply too hard to handle.

I find that most of the time a persons family can tell you all you need to know about a person. Still, it's unfair to ignore how well you know a person on a personal level and base it only on their family. I think valuing family is important no matter who they are (obviously, some people have terrible families and that's a different situation entirely)
 

Hilander

Free Spirit
Staff member
V.I.P.
Someone can't spend their entire childhood around someone and some of their ideas and opinions not rub off. People that have traumatic childhoods sometimes have a very hard time getting past that so how you were raised does shape you good or bad. Not that I'm saying no one can ever get past how they were raised.

Then you take something that is inherited and your not going to be able to change that.
 

Alph0x

Registered Member
I'm kind of weird about relationships and I fully acknowledge that, and I also would never expect anyone else to live by MY expectations for MYSELF. All that being said, I believe that sometimes love means getting your hands dirty. When I was much younger, I went through a really, really rough period. I got myself involved with a very toxic person and it had a huge impact on every aspect of my life. When I was finally able to distance myself, it was only because of a few people who were very close to me. They saw me for what I was (a flaming train in the process of running off the tracks), and they buckled down and helped me clean my mess up. It meant a lot to me, and those people will always hold special places in my heart. I feel like, when you love someone, you have to be kind of willing to deal with some shit, because you want to know that when it's YOUR shit, someone will have your back.

The other side of that coin is...I also believe that sometimes enough is enough. It's a tough balance. If you're trying to be there for someone and their family is absolutely awful, AND it causes a lot of chaos in your own life...AND your SO is either unwilling or incapable of distancing from it, then maybe it's time to take a closer look at the relationship.

Basically, I would go with it until the person gave me a good reason to stop. As for passing things on to your potential children...there are so many things that could happen between now and the conception and birth of those children. Additionally, it's entirely possible that you and your partner could both be completely healthy and do everything right, and still have a child who is not that perfect bundle of joy. Pregnancy is crazy and there are so many chances for so many things to go wrong that if you think about it, it's a miracle when everything goes RIGHT.

Again, this is just my opinion. :) I can't judge anyone who lives by a different code.
 

dDave

Well-Known Member
V.I.P.
I'm kind of weird about relationships and I fully acknowledge that, and I also would never expect anyone else to live by MY expectations for MYSELF. All that being said, I believe that sometimes love means getting your hands dirty. When I was much younger, I went through a really, really rough period. I got myself involved with a very toxic person and it had a huge impact on every aspect of my life. When I was finally able to distance myself, it was only because of a few people who were very close to me. They saw me for what I was (a flaming train in the process of running off the tracks), and they buckled down and helped me clean my mess up. It meant a lot to me, and those people will always hold special places in my heart. I feel like, when you love someone, you have to be kind of willing to deal with some shit, because you want to know that when it's YOUR shit, someone will have your back.

The other side of that coin is...I also believe that sometimes enough is enough. It's a tough balance. If you're trying to be there for someone and their family is absolutely awful, AND it causes a lot of chaos in your own life...AND your SO is either unwilling or incapable of distancing from it, then maybe it's time to take a closer look at the relationship.

Basically, I would go with it until the person gave me a good reason to stop. As for passing things on to your potential children...there are so many things that could happen between now and the conception and birth of those children. Additionally, it's entirely possible that you and your partner could both be completely healthy and do everything right, and still have a child who is not that perfect bundle of joy. Pregnancy is crazy and there are so many chances for so many things to go wrong that if you think about it, it's a miracle when everything goes RIGHT.

Again, this is just my opinion. :) I can't judge anyone who lives by a different code.
Do I... know you? Seriously, that sounds almost word for word like someone that I know.

I find that some people find their identity in other people so strongly that they've willing to stay with someone and sometimes will even fight to stay with them even if it's a toxic relationship because they'd rather have a bad self-perception than one of being alone because they feel as if they're nothing without a SO.

As for having two perfect parents. There's no perfect method to parenting, it has to be played by ear with every kid in every situation. Still, you can have great parents that do everything seemingly correctly and it's still not enough. Sometimes kids will be kids, some kids are rebellious punks no matter what you do. Some of them are eventually put in their place, some aren't.

To go back to the family though. Lots of people find their identity in that and thus are hesitant to fully commit to a relationship with an "outsider" because until they tie the knot of marriage then family really ought to come first. People want a partner to compliment their family life, not make it harder. I know people that have broken up because they couldn't stand the other persons family even if the person they were dating is perfectly fine.
 
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