How can I apologize without giving in?

[MiketheGrinder]

My wife has a ton of friends and is quite the social butterfly. I'm more reserved and prefer to spend time with just her or one or two more people on occasion. This usually only becomes a problem during the holidays. Since that's really just a couple of months out of the year I generally just suck it up for her. However, it seems the holidays are arriving sooner and staying later. Every weekend from October 25 to January 5 is crammed with family and friends time. Seriously, it's already on the calendar. There are parties to go to and family and friends to host here. Weeknights also tend to fill up. We had a big blow up. I'm not keen on having people at the house that often. I need real down time, in my own home. I feel terrible though for upsetting her. How can I apologize without giving in?

 

[Carmelita]

I would explain my feelings in a calm, polite manner. Just explain that you work so much that all you want to do it stay home (with her) and rest. Try to make a compromise with her on half of the dates. That way, you will both get what you want with minimal stress.

 

[Keri35]

Great question. You shouldn't have to give in and suck it up. She should care about your feelings too. I say talk to her, try to compromise. Maybe do something every other weekend.

 

[Unity]

Really couldn't have said it better myself - I think what Carmelita & Keri said about compromise is spot-on. Being able to discuss things calmly is also essential. Your concerns are most certainly valid, so don't feel guilty.

 

[Hilander]

Just explain to her after working all week you need real down time. Maybe you could agree to go to some of the parties, set a number then let her decide which ones are the most important to her.

 

[Godsmirror]

Don't you have a man cave?

I'm like you though Mike. Small settings are preferred. Out of the guests she has, pick one or two out of the crowd that you like, or at least can tolerate, and have your own little gathering in the man cave. Once or twice a month for that, and on the otehr occaisions, explain to guests, the one's who don't know you that well, what you're about and go your own way. Nobody should be offended if you just lay your cards on the table.

 

[Impaired]

Apologizing for upsetting her is easy enough. However, your position upsets her and you don't want to change that. You want to change her. She has to want to change.

 

[NellyBell]

I can't imagine that the fact that you're not a social butterfly isn't known to her, right? Get her a nice bottle of wine (if that's her thing), sit her down, and tell her basically what you said here. That you've always tried to do your best around the holidays because you know it's important to her, and you'll continue to do it, but you'd like to set some boundaries because, like you said, holidays are starting earlier and lasting longer. Tell her that just looking at the calendar fills you with anxiety (or whatever a more appropriate term might be). Like everyone else said, try to find some compromises. Maybe limiting the weekends/number of people you have at your own home or deciding on which parties she could go to solo and tell her she can come up with whatever excuse she wants for your absence or that you're willing to call and tell them you're not coming so she doesn't have to deal with it. Let her be social while allowing you some downtime.