Here's the deal, I owe you this much GF

Chaos

Epic Gamer
V.I.P.
#1
So yeah, you guys are wondering why I'm pretty bummed right about now eh. I guess I've been moping around an awful lot.

Truth is, life's not too great right now for a couple of reasons. One of the major problems (which some of you may know) is that some time ago I discovered that I'm no longer able to follow through on my dream. For several years, I've wanted to be a pilot in the Army Air Corps. It was literally my dream. But now, I can't do that. My eyesight prevents me. When I first found that out...I'm ashamed to admit this but I cried like a baby. I wanted to do that so bad, and now I'm denied that not because of skill or anything I could fix, but because of something that I can never EVER fix. To me, reaching that goal was the only thing that pulled me through some of the crappiest years of my life. It was a focus point for me to aim for, and now that's been taken away from me I don't know what to aim for. I no longer have a goal in life. It might sound stupid but since I found out, I lost all motivation, I became depressed, I couldn't write or leave the house. There was one person who brought me out of that stump, and it's to that person that I owe being able to write and laugh and go out in the day and start being happy again.

Added onto that is the fact that I can't find a job, which in itself has been depressing me for a couple of months now. Apparantly I'm unhirable. I've submitted several CV's and job applications, and I've enquired in countless places around my area, but I've not had one iota of interest shown to me. I have good qualifications but a poor work history, having only worked in a bar before.

I've also become a bit of a bum. I now have no friends whatsoever. Way back last year, I broke off contact with my one remaining friend from school. I now have absolutely no friends in my life who are not online. The only person with whom I have any social contact with is the neighbours 14 year old child, who I babysit. Pathetic, isn't it.

I'm broke. I have no money to my name outside of the pittance I earn from government support, which I am ashamed to receive and only signed onto under duress from my family and the need to pay for food.

My youngest brother is two, and his mother (my father's partner, not my mother) has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. This is a person who's been part of our family since they were kids, and now she's wasting away with chemotherapy. I can't even visit them anymore - not only because it's so hard to look at her like she see is, but because it's so hard for me to see my dad's eyes. My grandmother broke down the other day in front of me because she was thinking about my brother asking what was wrong with his mother, and him asking where she was when she inevitably passes on. She's very, very stressed out lately because my father is planning on moving into her house (which is really big, and he owns it) with my brother, so for the last few weeks I've been trying my hardest to take care of her, to make everything easy for her and do all the hard things. I'm also picking up the slack of my older brother, who promised to help but hasn't. I've stripped two big rooms entirely of four old, thick layers of wallpaper. I've pulled carpets, scoured the floorboards for carpet nails. I've carried things back and forth, thrown things away, storing things organising things moving doing everything on my own. It is hard to take care of an entire house, but who else will do it?

My grandmother (not the one mentioned above, the one who I live with) is the person in my family who, I care most about. She brought me up as a child, and she gave me a safe haven from an abusive stepfather. Last year she was diagnosed with a rare disease. She's 74, and when they went into surgery she technically died twice on the table. She spent about five months in intensive care, in which a long time was spent with her completely sedated. When she left IC for another ward, she caught pneumonia and almost died again. Add another couple months back in IC. She's home now, but she's still pretty sick, she's stable but extremely weak. It's hard because I feel responsible for taking care of her, but now with looking after my other grandmother as well it's stressful. When my little brother moves up, I'll have to spend a lot of time looking after him, babysitting and taking him to nursery. I don't even have a car.

I've been getting pretty sick recently, on and off. I've been stressed and I've lost weight. I don't get hungry anymore. I eat half a meal everyday. I survive mostly by drinking water. I don't have anything to do in my days so I waste them by doing things like reading or playing games or writing, and I get headaches that last for hours on end. I had one a couple weeks ago that lasted three fucking days.

I feel like dying, sometimes. No exaggeration. I hate my life with a passion. I want nothing more than for the ground to open up and swallow me whole, because the ONE highlight in my life right now, the one thing I have to look forward to, is giving blood. Isn't that sad? The only thing I have to cheer me up is the fact that someone's going to stick a big old needle in my arm and take a pint of my blood, after which I'll have to walk several miles home (totally worth it, btw).


So yeah, I've been pretty bummed lately. But you know something, you guys deserve better than that. I have friends here, and you guys make me happy and you make me feel like life isn't totally effing lame and worthless. So, I'm sorry, GF. I love you and I'm going to be happy for your sakes and mine. <3

(I'm too tired to even read through this and see if it makes sense, ha, but who cares. It's subtalk.)
 

Merc

Certified Shitlord
V.I.P.
#2
Don't fake your happiness, we just want you to be okay. Life shits on you and it can do it pretty heavily sometimes. I've been unemployed too for that last 2 months so I now how much that sucks. Almost all of my friends are gone as well (school mostly) so I'm here alone most of the time aside from the rare times I get to see my girl (she's really busy these days). Life can get hard but what really measures someone is their ability to push through the dark and find the light so to say. Keep solace in the things that you enjoy no matter how hard it may be to find joy in them (such as writing).

Most of all, keep in contact with people. Aside from GF, try and reconnect with some people if you can.
 

Doc

Trust me, I'm The Doctor.
V.I.P.
#3
Baby steps, man, baby steps.

Take yourself away from the situation and prioritize your issues. When you get through those issues you'll start to feel happier and, hopefully, enjoy a better quality of life.
 

Impact

Registered Member
V.I.P.
#4
Thanks for filling us in with where you are at Marc. Remember you'll always have friends on here to help you talk things through, or just to make you smile. Hold in there, things will get better.
 

Wade8813

Registered Member
#6
Normally, I would insist that you should see a counselor, but your financial difficulties might make that a challenge. I've been able to talk to one of my psychology profs about various issues in my life - I don't know if you have anyone in a similar role that you could talk to.

If you want to talk to me about any of this, send me a PM.



By the way, there's no reason to be ashamed about crying in those situations.
 

EllyDicious

made of AMBIGUITY
V.I.P.
#7
I knew you were having a tough time ... but didn't know what was going on, specifically.
:(
You really need to make friends out of GF. You need someone to talk to, face to face ... because writing won't always help. You need someone to listen to what you have to say and look you in the eye.
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.

I don't know what to say .... why don't you go somewhere you know you can make friends? :shifteyes:
Feels like you don't want to go out ...but you should. Staying home won't solve anything, moreover it'll put you into more depression.

Isn't there any website: "How to make friends in your area" or something?[if you don't know how/where to go..]
 
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LifeinthePond

Mark ov teh Pond
#8
You got it way more rough than I do, that's for sure. We're almost in the same boat;

I've been unemployed the last few months as well, and it's extremely hard because I only get $40 a week. That's all food money, I have been reduced to eating can goods, toast, and ramen for dinner most of the time.

I feel the same way for my grandma, whom I live with. She's not terminal, but her diabetes gets to her every now and then, and has to be rushed to the hospital. She has all kinds of other pills she takes for various reasons but they otherwise do their job.

I had to sell my car, I was desperate for money at the time and needed to take care of some last minute bills. I am jobless. Carless. And thanks to thiefs, bikeless.

I lost contact with all my friends when I was shipped to an alternative school back in 7th grade, and since then have never had anyone I could call a BFF or hang out with regularly.

Oh, I never had goals either. Because I've lived a sheltered/distant life with no friends or galpal, I never found any motivation. I think you'll find something new though, just give it time.

Wow, here I am, being a douche and raining in on your post with this long rubbish. Haha. Being new to the community though, I don't feel like you should owe anyone apology. We appreciate the heads up, and as a community we take care of each other. Since this is sub though...

boobs.
 
#9
When you're happy, you have the most uplifting personality I have ever come across. The most unique person I know, without a doubt. If I were in your shoes I'm not sure I could wear such a brave face while talking about the reasons behind this sadness. Most of all the dumb fucking eyesight. If I could swap our vision, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Always wanted glasses. :cute:
 

Bananas

Endangered Species
#10
Dude goto the CAB. Then your GP.

Speak to the CAB about the circumstances you find yourself in, if you are looking after your grandmother you should be getting carers allowance amongst other things. We have a social program where you should not be burdened. Your life is equally as important as her care. They will advise you on how to approach social services and what is available to help you.

GP's are not just there about being ill, they are equally about prevention, they can help you with things like stress, your not eating right, your getting headaches, they can put things in perspective for you and pull all sorts of strings, Im not talking medication here, Im on about stuff like a free pass at the local rec so you can go swimming and chill for an hour every week. You'll be surprised what they can do.

Basically you need support from outside of your family, use what resources are available to you. Dont feel bad for doing so either, they are there for a reason. Life sometimes deals a bad hand but you do have the oppotunity to trade some of those cards in for new ones.