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Her Angel Day


Registered Member
Today, November 14, is my Mother's Angel Day.
I lost her in 2005 to lung cancer and I prefer to call it her Angel Day instead if anniversary day, because to me, anniversary seems celebratory.
Anyway, if you wish to hear what a remarkable woman my Mother is/was.....please read on.
If you choose not to, I understand, close post now.
I always get sad when this date approaches.....
My Mother was/is my best friend....we had a special bond, people were jealous of us, because we were so close :)
We never quarreled, she was always there for me and I was always there for her.
I am her only daughter, which made it more special, especially the story she told me after she found out I was a girl..she wanted a baby girl so bad, and I was it!
My Mother had so much love and compassion, I can't begin to use enough words to describe her.
Comforting, loyal, honest, a damn good friend, a hard worker, special, compassionate, loving, caring, trusting, tender, sentimental..the type of Mother probably everyone wishes they had :)
My Mother was 65 when things started going bad.
She developed a lump in her neck and she started swelling up around her neck and face real bad, and I remember on August 14, 2004, we were having a cook-out and she was sitting in the lawn chair and I had my camera (as always) and I was taking pictures and Mother said to me "Deb, I'm so swollen"....and I simply said, "it'll be gone tomorrow, we'll find out what it is."
Tomorrow was the day she was going to the doctor.
We went, and the devastating news hit.
She had a hilar mass, right in a place on her right lung that was too close to her heart to operate on.
So, she was sent to Chattanooga, spent 3 months there, having 6 weeks of chemotherapy and 36 radiation treatments.
They literally burnt her up inside :(
She was so weak...so tired.
She would tell me the radiation was worse than the chemo.
She lost all of her hair...when we would brush her hair, she was used to the hair clumping out, but the first time I brushed her hair and the clumps came out, it was all I could do to keep the tears from falling.
I had to wait till I found some alone time to cry.
The date the doctor told me my Mother was terminal was October 28, 2005...she said there was nothing more they could do.
I remember standing in the hallway of the hospital, looking around at everyone thinking...the world just goes on.
I could laugh at a joke, I could drive with one hand, I could survive being almost beaten to death, I had 4 teenagers to deal with at some time in my life, I could breathe, I had a home, I had money, but there wasn't one damn thing I could do...to save my Mother's life.
They could send a damn space shuttle up in the air, but they couldn't remove a 2x3 inch cancer mass from my Mother's chest wall.
When Mother and I talked, I asked her if she knew what the doctor had just told her, and she said yes...she was dying.
Then the one and only time she broke down, was then.
She grabbed me and hugged me tight.
And we cried together....but she said she wasn't ready yet.
Let me back up a sec...........After those treatments, she was supposed to be in remission, which was great!!!
But something went wrong....because 6 months after these treatments, the cancer came back...and she started getting sick again, and in October 2005, was when we knew the worst.
So, Hospice became a part of our life, the doctor said Mother could go to a nursing home or to her home, and of course, it was her home she was going to.
Dad wouldn't be much help, but I lived less than 1 mile from her home and she had 2 sisters coming from Illinois to help.
I would like to add, the doctors told me Mother had about 3 months, but I never told Mother that.
So we all planned a huge Thanksgiving dinner, because I was afraid she wouldn't make it for Christmas.
Hers was the first gift I always bought at Christmas time..and I would wrap it so pretty, she would delicately open it *smiles*
But, you wouldn't have ever known Mother was sick.
People who came to visit would tell me that if I had not have told them she was terminal with cancer, they would not have known.
She was laughing, eating, joking around, happy, very aware of all of us......little did we know, that was the last stages of death.
Everyone was in charge of a certain care for Mother.
I handled her morphine patches....and Hospice helped us with her baths.
We would paint her fingernails and toenails and she would grin coming out from the bathroom.
God, she is such a beautiful woman.
So strong and courageous.
I don't know how she did it....and my Aunts told me that the few times I wasn't there, Mother never broke down..all she ever did was talk about "me"...her little Debbie, she was worried how her Debbie was going to be able to handle it all.
Even tho she was dying, she was concerned about others.
That was my Mother.
I remember that day as if it were yesterday..every movement I had to make, every place I had to go...but it was like in slow motion and I was a zombie.
When the hearse pulled up in front of the house, it made it worse for me...I knew they were coming to take her.
This big beautiful home that they had built in 1980...never in a million years would I ever believe my Mother would be leaving it on a stretcher being carried to a hearse.
It was raining that day, and I helped them prepare her for the transfer from the bed over to the gurney.
We placed her in the body bag and as they began zipping it up, I asked that they please not zip her head and face.
I bent and kissed her as they rolled her out the front door.
She was wearing her favorite jammies, a flannel pair of green jammies with Bingo logos all over them , because she loved playing Bingo.
After she arrived at the funeral home, I told them I wanted her jammies and Jim, the director said sometimes people soil them and they throw them away, but I told him I already checked, Mother didn't...so he went and retrieved them for me and I have them to this day~
I have them sealed, and yes, they smell like my Mother, for she wore a tiny dab of perfume every day.
The last days of her life were happy ones for her, I could tell, she was surrounded by loved ones.
But not for me.
I knew 3 months was not a long time and how many times could I tell her I loved her in such a short amount of time??
Or do everything I wanted to do??
It didn't matter.
I only got 2 weeks....I lost her on November 14, 2005.
I was mad at the world, I had hate for everyone.
She was only 66 years old...I felt I should have had a few more years with her.
I know, smoking was her choice.....but, I will always wish she didn't have to go in that manner.
She didn't suffer from pain....but I know she suffered from watching me and the rest of the family, watching her.
She told me before she passed....."I have had a long and happy life".....then she changed it and said.."well, a long life".
Her life was worse than mine.
She told me she had some regrets, but she was always so proud of me.
She told me that so many times.....that she was and always will be, so very proud of me.......and I don't feel as tho I did anything a normal daughter wouldn't do.
But, she taught me well.....I learned all my goodness from her..watching her, listening to her....her love for me more than made up for all the heartaches and pain I endured thru my 40 some odd years of life~
I never could figure that one out, her being so proud of me...I never became a doctor or a lawyer, all I really was, was somebody's wife and Mother, and daughter.
But she loved me unconditionally.
And I knew it, and it felt great :)
But, I always wonder, did I tell her enough times how much I loved her??
I hope she knew..for it kills me to think of all the things I would of liked to have said and done, but didn't get the chance.
I would walk into her house, and she would immediately get up, and say "Hi hun" and give me a kiss and as I hugged her, I would transfer her perfume over to me and carry it around the rest of the day.
I can close my eyes now, and hear her laughter, and feel her hugs.
My whole world changed that day.
As silly as some of you may think, losing my Mother was a devastating factor in my life.
I couldn't function properly for a long time.
I still have crying spells.
Hospice offered grief counseling, and they went above and beyond the call, because they kept seeing me for 2 years after Mother passed.
And I was told, some people can never accept the loss of a loved one, and will never be the same.....I guess I am one of those.
I have read every book put out by doctors on how to overcome grief.
None of it worked.
Everyone handles grief differently......and it hurts people in many different ways.
So, now, every November 14, I release purple balloons to the skies with little white notes attached that say "I love you Mom".
Purple is my Mother's favorite color.
I lost my best friend, my Mother...the kind of best friend you can't replace.
I miss her SO much.
For those that still have their Mothers and they are close by, give her a hug and a kiss and tell her you love her.
If your Mother is far from you, call her and tell her how much you love her.
If you too have lost your Mother, then please know I feel your pain and I am sorry for your own loss.
And if you are one of those that doesn't have a good relationship with your Mother, then I will say I'm sorry about that too.....because a Mother is a blessing.
A Mother can hold their children's hands for a little while, but she will hold their hearts forever.
While I know I am being selfish when I say I wish my Mother were still here with me, I tell myself I know she is free from the pain and suffering of the world and my SF.
I still find myself picking up the telephone and dialing her number to talk....we talked every day :)
Oh, and I need to share a picture when I get time.
After she lost her hair and was home, she wanted to wear hats, so I would find the funkiest craziest wildest hats ever, and get them for her, and she loved them!
My SF hated them..so all the more reason for me to buy them~
I got her spiked purple ones, rippled green ones, fuzzy orange ones...I will grab a photo of one with her wearing one and I'll post it, hope y'all don't mind.
And thank you for allowing me to make this lengthy post, to share.......my Mother never met a stranger, she loved everyone, she saw good in everyone...I guess that's why I do *smiles*
My Mother is a beautiful person :)
I love you Mother, and I miss you so XO.
P.S. everyone: she never did get to open her Christmas gift that year, I had it wrapped and I was afraid if I gave it to her, she would think we all suspect she wouldn't be here at Christmas, but I wanted her to have it, it was a special gift, and I thought I could give it to her and tell her I wanted her to enjoy it now. But...I decided not to let her have it...she never saw it...I kept it wrapped~


Registered Member
I am adding a couple of photos.

One photo is Mother wearing one of her funky hats, she adored those things!
That is her sister with her, my favorite Aunt, whom I just lost last year to cancer.
They look so much alike, they're beautiful ladies.....I was blessed!

And the other photo is my Mother's beautiful urn, it has a special place here in my home :)