Hal Warren's Guide to Filmmaking (Re Edited! Revised! Less Retarded!)

Discussion in 'Art & Creative' started by A.M. Radio, Mar 27, 2006.

  1. A.M. Radio

    A.M. Radio Guest

    Int. Grocery Store-Day

    Hal Warren Grabs a carton of milk. Cut to a long shot of him walking down the aisle towards the camera. He stands in line. Stirling Silliphant is arguing with the clerk.

    Every time we cut to Hal, we show somebody else added to the line behind him.

    subtitle: EL PASO, TEXAS, 1964

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    Look, I would really like to speak with the manager. I LIKE this place. He should like the fact that I like this place.

    Subtitle: CONCEPTION

    CLERK:
    Sir, I already told you, the Manager would not approve.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    The Manager would not approve? Doesn't he have any sense as a business man? Think of the publicity!
    (Stirling gestures like he's on the phone. He changes between two voices)
    Hey guys, did you see Route 66 last night? Oh, yeah, Merl's groceries was in it! Yeah! Merl's awesome! His place was on Route 66!

    Hal Warren leans over to get a closer look at the clerk.

    CLERK:
    I don't think the Manager would approve of a film crew. The manager doesn't like a lot of commotion.

    HAL WARREN:
    You know, Route 66 is one of the highest rated shows in El Paso. Deservedly so.

    CLERK:
    I don't watch it.

    HAL WARREN:
    (turning to Stirling)
    She doesn't watch it.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    (to Hal)
    That's her loss.

    HAL WARREN:
    (to the Clerk)
    That's your loss.
    (Hal Pauses and looks at the young woman.)
    Does your Manager watch it?

    CLERK:
    I don't know.

    HAL WARREN:
    How about you go find the manager and ask him?

    She leaves. We now get a better look at the large line that has been forming behind Hal.

    Cut to:
    Ext. Grocery Store-Day

    Hal Warren and Stirling Silliphant are walking out.
    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    Thanks for the help with that Lady back there

    HAL WARREN:
    No Problem. I can sell anything to these people.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    You think so?

    HAL WARREN:
    Yeah, I have to. I'm a salesman.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    Really? What do you sell?

    HAL WARREN:
    Fertilizer.
    (beat)
    I'm also an Actor. I'm a big fan of Route 66.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    (pauses, thinking)
    Well, I do owe you a thanks for helping me get that location. How about making an appearance in an episode later this year?

    HAL WARREN:
    I'd be honored.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT.
    Of course you would.
    (He reaches out his hand)
    Stirling Silliphant.

    HAL WARREN:
    Hal. Hal Warren.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    Hal Warren? That sounds like a good, strong, Filmmaker's name!

    HAL WARREN:
    You think so?

    Int Radio Station-Day

    Hal Warren walks into the radio station. People at desks are giving him odd looks.

    Subtitle: TWO YEARS LATER

    Robert Guidry is sitting on a chair in the radio station with a cup of coffee in his hand. He puts the coffee down and holds his head. He seems very hungover. Pull out to see the radio station in full detail, the “air room†behind him. He is holding his head, and sipping his coffee. A large hulking figure walks over him.

    HAL WARREN:
    Hey, Robert!

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    (grabbing his head)
    Don't yell. Nice job on Route 66. You were the bus driver, right?

    HAL WARREN:
    You saw it?

    Robert looks back down at his coffee, rubbing his head.
    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Yeah, if I didn't, my wife would've killed me. Looks like your really going places, huh?

    Hal bites his lip and continues

    HAL WARREN:
    Yes, Robert, I am going places. And I am taking you with me.

    Robert rubs his head.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    That’s very interesting, Hal. What do you have in mind?

    HAL WARREN:
    I'm making a movie.

    Subtitle: PRE-PRODUCTION

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Is that so? Sounds interesting. What do you want me for?

    HAL WARREN:
    Well, to start with, I need a director of photography. I’ve always been a fan of your films. Very good.

    A woman walks up in the distance.

    WOMAN:
    Robert Guidry, you’re on in five minutes.

    He gets up and turns towards the station.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Films? Oh, some of the footage I shot for CBS. It’s really nothing. I just take my camera and light and shoot.

    He walks towards the station, Hal following close behind. Wide shot from in front of Robert, pulling back as they walk.

    HAL WARREN:
    You are too modest. I want you to help me shoot this picture. Can you do that?

    They come closer to the door. Robert grabs the knob.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Well, that depends. How much?

    Robert opens the door.

    HAL WARREN:
    How about seventy five shares?

    He enters the room halfway, looking out by Hal.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Okay, do you have a script?

    Cut to a side view of Hal, with the script in his hands.

    HAL WARREN:
    Yes, I do.

    Cut to the title on the Screen play “THE LODGE OF SINSâ€Â

    Cut to Robert Guidry, who looks takes the script.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I'll get back to you.

    Int. Theater- Day

    Hal Warren and John Reynolds are on stage doing a scene from MacBeth (the scene from MacBeth has not been selected yet). The Director, Mr. Gordon, is watching.

    Cut to Robert Guidry and Bernie Rosenblum entering the theater.

    Cut back to Hal Warren and John Reynolds. John is in the middle of a sentence, and Hal tells him to hold on. Hal runs off the set. Mr. Gordon stands up.

    MR. GORDON:
    Hal! What are you doing?

    HAL WARREN:
    Sorry, sir, important business.

    Cut to Hal Warren and Robert talking. Robert gestures towards Bernie Rosenblum

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Hal, I’d like to introduce you to my good friend Bernard Rosenblum.

    Bernie Rosenblum shakes his hand.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Call me Bernie.

    Cut back to John looking at them. We see the three conversing from John’s POV. Robert shows Hal a large box.

    Cut back to an establishing shot of Robert, Bernie, and Hal, who are some distance in front of the stage. John is seen leaving in the back ground.

    HAL WARREN:
    So, Bernie, what can you do for the movie?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Well, I can act. I can help out with special effects. I can use the camera.

    John walks next to Hal.

    HAL WARREN:
    Then what do I need a crew for?

    John looks up at Hal.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    A movie? You’re making a movie?

    HAL WARREN:
    (Hal is looking at Robert)
    That’s right. Now, Robert, what I am going to need from you is.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Can I be in it?

    HAL WARREN:
    Of course. Now, Robert, about the camera.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Yeah, I got it. It’s not the best, but-
    .
    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    (energetically)
    You won’t regret this, Hal. You know I’m qualified. I spent four years at the University of California.

    HAL WARREN:
    Yes, John, you’re the best man for the job. Now, Robert, what’s wrong with the camera?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Well, nothing is wrong with it….

    HAL WARREN:
    Good, we can go get film tomorrow.

    Int. Reynolds Household.

    John opens the door. He sees his father sitting on the couch. He walks in past his father.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Hey, I got some great news!

    COL. REYNOLDS:
    What is it?

    John stops right past where his father is sitting. He looks at his father confidently

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    I got a part in a movie.

    COL. REYNOLDS :
    (subdued excitement)
    Really? How much does it pay?

    John’s expression changes from confidence to disappointment.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Nothing.

    COL. REYNOLDS:
    (dissapointed)
    Then what’s the point?

    Int. Neyman Household- Evening

    Tom Neyman is pacing back and for between the front room and dining room talking. He walks into the dining room with Jackey Sr. sitting down, jotting some notes on Paper. In the background, we see Jackey Jr playing with Shanka.

    Cut to Jackey and Shanka.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Yeah, Yeah, I guess we can do that.

    Cut Back to Tom, his Wife Jackey looking up at him.

    JACKEY NEYMAN Sr.
    So, what’s happening?

    TOM NEYMAN:
    You know Hal, right?

    JACKEY NEYMAN Sr:
    Yeah, he was with you in King Lear.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    He’s making a movie, and he wants me to play the villain.
    (to the phone)
    Oh, and he wants Jackey to play his daughter.

    Jackey Sr. Bends over and puts her hands on Jackey Jr’s shoulders.

    JACKEY SR:
    If you don’t want to, he can find another little girl.

    Tom looks over at the two, with a sort of bewildered look on his face.

    JACKEY NEYMAN Jr:
    No. No other little girl is playing my part.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    (on the Phone)
    Yeah, it looks like Jackey is officially cast, too.
    (beat)
    Great. I’ll see you tomorrow then.

    Mannequin Manor-Day

    Tom and Hal open the door leading into Fran Simon’s Mannequin Manor. They go up to the front desk and see the secretary.

    SECRETARY:
    How may I help you?

    HAL WARREN:
    Hi, I’m Hal Warren, and this is Tom Neyman. We are here to see Ms. Simon

    SECRETARY:
    Yes, the people with the movie. Right this way.

    She gets up and leads them to Fran Simon’s Office. Hal opens the door and He and Tom walk in. They close it almost on the secretary’s face. Hal sits down at a desk across from Fran, and Tom stands next to him.

    FRAN SIMON:
    Well, explain yourselves.

    HAL WARREN:
    Well, we are looking for several young ladies for the film we are currently producing.

    FRAN SIMON:
    (Bluntly)
    I know, I know, this Lodge of Sins as you call it. I have to admit, a title like that makes me a little bit nervous.

    HAL WARREN:
    Your concern in understood, but unnecessary. It’s just a horror movie.

    FRAN SIMON:
    Okay, okay. Let me see the script.

    Hal looks at Tom, and Tom gives her his copy of the screenplay. She flips through it to roughly the halfway point.

    FRAN SIMON
    So, what’s the film about?

    HAL WARREN:
    Well, it’s about this family on a vacation. The man takes a wrong turn, and they end up at this old lodge, with a creepy young caretaker named Igor. Despite the pleading of the wife, they spend the night, only to find out Igor works for an evil cult leader-

    Cut to Tom, who raises his hand, to signify his part

    HAL WARREN:
    And he wants to turn the woman into one of his evil Vampire Wives.

    FRAN SIMON:
    Vampire Wives?

    HAL WARREN:
    That’s what we are here for.

    FRAN SIMON
    Alright.
    (she turns the page)
    Loose, flowing, robes? I don’t want to see my girls in anything too skimpy.

    HAL WARREN:
    We don’t have costumes yet. We can change them if they are not to your liking.

    FRAN SIMON:
    That sounds fair. Now, as far as payment.

    HAL WARREN:
    Will fifty shares of the film do?

    She gets up and walks to a file cabinet. She pulls out a large binder and opens it out on the table. Tom thumbs through it.

    FRAN SIMON:
    Alright, you have my permission to try to recruit any of these girls.


    HAL WARREN:
    I’ll take this one. Diane Mahree, to be my wife
    (Beat. Fran looks up at him)
    My character’s wife.

    FRAN SIMON:
    (looks disgusted)
    Mr. Warren, they are Models, not Prostitutes.

    HAL WARREN:
    I understand.
    (He turns to Tom)
    Alright, Tom, take your pick.

    Neyman Household-Evening

    John Reynolds is by the Neyman door. He knocks on the Neyman’s door.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Come in!

    John walks through the front room of the house, looking at a few paintings. He walks to a corner where Tom Neyman is painting the “Master’s Portrait.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Very good.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    You’re late.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Sorry, man, my father decided to have a little talk with me.

    John continues to walk towards the kitchen.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Doesn’t he realize you are an adult?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Do you think he can forget?

    He walks into the dining room where Jackey Sr. is sewing the “Master’s Robe.†Jackey Jr. is sitting next to her. John sits across from the two. There are two sculptures of hands on the table.

    Cut to a low shot, at John’s hands. Shanka walks up and starts licking them. He turns his seat and starts petting the dog.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    So this is the great hell hound? He’s such a good evil Doberman.

    Jackey Jr. laughs

    JACKEY NEYMAN Sr:
    (frustrated by John's vulgarity)
    So, John, what did you think of the script.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    (laughing)
    I thought it was crap.

    Jackey Jr. Laughs again, harder then before. Tom Neyman walks in, carrying two prosthetic fake knees for the Torgo costume.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    (he hands John a knee)
    Here you go, all you have to do is bend it in place.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Thanks man. You really didn’t have to.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Yeah, but I wanted to. I’ve just about everything else for the movie. I designed the robe, painted the painting, sculpted the two hands you see over there.

    John looks at the hands, picks one up, and shakes it.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    (to the hand)
    How do you do?

    Cut to Tom, who smirks. Jackey Jr. is laughing.

    John puts the hands down and starts bending the wires.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    You done with the hooves?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    (nods)
    Made them last night.

    JACKEY Sr:
    So, neither of you like the screenplay. Why are doing it?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Because I want to be in a movie. Hal was making one.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    The twenty shares didn’t hurt.

    John finishes one knee, and holds his hand out. Tom passes the other to him.

    Ext. Coldwell’s Ranch-Day

    Hal Warren is standing with Colbert Coldwell in front of the ranch. Colbert signs a sheet of paper.

    HAL WARREN:
    Just out of curiosity, what are the chances of being bit by a rattlesnake?

    COLBERT COLDWELL:
    Oh, they won’t bother you.
    (He hands the paper back to Hal)
    There you go.

    HAL WARREN:
    Thank you very much. You won’t regret this.

    Hal starts walking away.

    COLBERT COLDWELL:
    How long until I see some money come from my five shares?

    HAL WARREN:
    Any time after the premiere.

    Cut to John Reynolds, who is carrying a bag of dirt towards the ranch. He walks past Hal Warren.

    HAL WARREN:
    Your name is Torgo now.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Okay.

    He walks farther down, and passes Colbert Coldwell.

    COLBERT COLDWELL:
    What’s that for?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    I don’t have a bed. I sleep in it.
    (Beat)
    My character. Igor. Torgo.


    Cut to Hal Warren is walking in front of the ranch.

    Subtitle: PRODUCTION
     

  2. A.M. Radio

    A.M. Radio Guest

    Re: Hal Warren's Guide to Filmmaking

    He walks past Bernie, who is bent over setting up the camera, which is on a tripod. Diane Mahree is standing next to him. We cut to Bernie and Diane. Focus is on Diane’s face, Bernie’s face busy behind the camera, sort of obscured.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    Is that your camera?

    Bernie moves his head out of focus, and looks at Diane, then back at the camera.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    No, it’s Bob’s. The Cinematographer’s. Actually, he only rented it. I’m just setting it up.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    You know a lot about cameras?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Yeah, I guess.

    Cut to Hal Warren walking up to Robert Guidry at the side of a road.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Well, once Joyce gets here, it looks like we are ready. So, where do we start?

    HAL WARREN:
    Well, where do you think?

    Robert looks down at the ground, then back up.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    A project like this, I think we can pretty much shoot in sequence.

    HAL WARREN:
    Not many people in the industry do it.

    Robert looks back up.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Not many in the industry have that luxery.

    HAL WARREN:
    Stirling Silliphant wouldn’t do it.

    Cut to Diane and Bernie. Bernie is standing up, and him and Diane are looking down at the camera.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    People don’t use equipment like this that much anymore. It can only record for up to thirty seconds. And
    (he starts demonstrating how to wind the camera)
    it has to be wound by hand.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    So it’s not something we should be making movies on.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    (shaking is head)
    No, it’s not that. It’s just going to take a bit more work to finish the movie.

    Cut back to Hal and Robert on the side of the road.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Look, I really think that-

    HAL WARREN:
    What if night comes before we shoot all the day scenes?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    (agitated)
    Let’s just shoot the first scene and figure the rest out later.

    Int. Coldwell’s Ranch

    John and Tom are in costume, sitting on the couch in the ranch, with Jackey playing with Shanka in front of them. Then cut to Jackey playing with Shanka. Then back to John and Tom, but show all the Vampire Wives in the room with them.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    So all these women are your wives?

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Yep.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    You have so many, can’t you spare just one?

    Cut to the Wife 1 and the Wife 2 (the wives will be identified by photographs from the original film) chuckling.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    (smiling)
    You can have all of them. I’m a happily married man.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    I didn’t mean this so seriously.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    I know. But see, when your married thinking of being with other women makes you feel guilty.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Really?

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Of course. That’s why you have to find the perfect woman. Otherwise, you feel guilty for no reason.

    Cut to the door, with the wife 1 and the wife 2 standing near by. Hal walks in.

    HAL WARREN:
    (turning to the wives)
    Hello ladies.
    (looking towards Tom)
    Hey, Tom, I’m going to need to borrow Jackey for a little while.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Just remember to bring her back.

    Jackey gets up and walks to Hal. She grabs his hand, but he does not make eye contact. They walk out the door.

    Ext Ranch- Day

    Hal and Jackey are walking out of the ranch. Jackey looks back, and Joyce Molleur runs to catch up with the director.

    JOYCE MOLLEUR:
    Hal!

    Hal turns around. Joyce is out of costume, rushing to him.

    JOYCE MOLLEUR:
    Sorry I’m late.

    HAL WARREN:
    That’s alright. We are just starting now.

    Joyce trips on a rock. Cut to her nursing the wound. Hal runs over.

    HAL WARREN:
    Are you alright?

    JOYCE MOLLEUR:
    I don’t know. It hurts.

    HAL WARREN:
    (Hal Reaches his arm out)
    Here, let me help you up.

    HAL WARREN:
    Joyce, I’ll have Bernie take you to the hospital. I want you to take it easy on that leg.

    JOYCE MOLLEUR:
    But the movie-

    HAL WARREN:
    (concerned yet disappointed)
    Worry about yourself. I’ll worry about the movie.

    Cut to him, from behind, walking to his Car. Diane, Jackey, and Robert are already in it. Robert is holding the camera.

    Cut to Hal getting in the car.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    Is she okay?

    HAL WARREN:
    She should be. Not like she was bit by a rattlesnake.
    ( He pauses. He looks back at Robert.)
    Robert, before we go, can you run out at tell Bernie he has to take her to the hospital?

    Int. Ranch-Evening

    Cut to John, laying down on the couch, with his hat over his eyes. Slowly, we move around the room. There is a wife sitting on the edge of the couch, with her hand on her cheek. One of them is sitting on the chair closest to the camera, which comes into view while we widen the shot. The “short hair wife is leaning next to the fire place, and the “old wife†is smoking a cigarette.

    Cut to Tom Neyman, in the Kitchen, in the robes, cooking eggs.

    Jackey Jr. runs in and gives her dad a hug.

    Robert Guidry walks in the doorway.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Hey, we’re done for the day. You can go.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Cool.

    Tom walks with the frying pan with eggs to the waste basket, and dumps them.

    Ext Ranch-Day

    Hal Warren is standing in front of a crowd that consists of Robert,Bernie, John, Tom, Jackey, Diane, Joyce (in crutches and cast) and two wives.

    HAL WARREN:
    You guys all did a great job yesterday. We got a little bit done, but let’s try to work a little harder today.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    You said we did a great job yesterday.

    HAL WARREN:
    Yes, but I want you to do a better job.

    John turns to Tom.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    What’s better then great?

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Excellent?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Huh.

    Cut back to Hal.

    HAL WARREN:
    John, Diane, Jackey, Bob, I need you all. We are shooting scene 3. Robert, move the camera to halfway between the ranch and the road.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Alright.

    HAL WARREN:
    Diane, Jackey, to the car.

    Diane and Jackey walk to the car.

    Hal walks past Joyce. He stops near her.

    HAL WARREN:
    What do you think of Bernie the stunt guy?

    JOYCE MOLLEUR:
    He seems nice. Why?

    HAL WARREN:
    Because I think I have a new part for you.
    Cut to:
    Roadside-Day

    Show Bernie sitting in the car, with Hal and Robert trying to squeeze Joyce with the cast into the car. They struggle for sometime, making the two uncomfortable.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Hi.

    JOYCE MOLLEUR:
    (nervously)
    Hi.

    Hal looks over them.

    HAL WARREN:
    Now you two kids have fun.

    He hands them a small flask. Bernie looks over at Hal, who is walking away.

    Bernie opens it, and hands it to Joyce, who takes a sip.

    JOYCE MOLLEUR:
    That taste’s like vomit.

    Bernie smells it, and looks over at Hal, who is walking towards the camera, with Robert already in place behind.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Hal, what is this stuff?

    HAL WARREN:
    Booze. Drink up.

    Hal walks over to Robert Guidry.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I think we should shoot scene 3 over again.

    HAL WARREN:
    Why?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Too much sunlight. We should probably shoot that in the evening.

    HAL WARREN:
    Aren’t you the one who wanted to shoot in sequence?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Except when inconvenient to do so.

    HAL WARREN:
    Don’t worry, We’ll fix it in post.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    No, I really think we should reshoot.

    HAL WARREN:
    Alright, if we have time when we are done here.

    Ext. Ranch-Day

    Hal, Diane, and Jackey pull around at the ranch with Robert Guidry filming. Hal gets out of the car and walks to Robert.

    HAL WARREN:
    (Agitated)
    That good?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Yeah, I think it’ll work.

    HAL WARREN:
    Glad you think so.

    Cut to John who is in place. Tom walks up to him.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    You know, I could make a movie. I can write. I can direct. I can act.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    (nods)
    I know.
    (he looks down by John’s knees)
    Oh, fix your knees.

    John nods, but doesn’t move

    Cut to a POV shot, with Hal, who is talking to Diane, moving slowly to the ranch. Robert Guidry is picking up the tripod.

    Int. John Reynold’s Room- Night

    John Reynold’s is sitting at his bed, writing some notes down. He is out of costume. He picks up the papers, straightens them, and turns to the side and puts them under at the side of his bad. He sighs, and starts rubbing his knees. They are noticeably hurting him. He roles up his short legs to show little scars left from the wires.

    Int Lodge- Evening

    Jackey Neyman, Tom Neyman, John Reynolds, Hal Warren and Bernie Rosenblum are sitting on a couch in the lodge, with a small sheet on the wall. Robert Guidry is working a projector.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Well, everyone here is your first look at the Lodge of Sins.

    John Reynolds gets up and shuts the lights off. The film shown is shadowy clips of Joyce and Bernie in the car. Reynolds runs back to his seat.

    JACKEY NEYMAN:
    This doesn’t look like a movie.

    HAL WARREN:
    Not yet. We’ll have it all fixed up in the lab.

    Robert glances at Bernie and shakes his head.

    Ext. Wife Area- Night

    The Wives are having the debate about Debbie (Jackey Neyman's) Fate. Tom Neyman is sitting amongst them. Hal, Robert, Bernie, and John are behind the camera.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Can’t we do something about these Moths?

    HAL WARREN:
    (peeved)
    No. Not unless you want to crush them all by hand.
    (he turns to Bernie)
    Bernie, you done arranging the fight?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    No. You didn’t tell me to.

    HAL WARREN:
    Can you do that now?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    I guess.

    HAL WARREN:
    (To Robert)
    The kid’s a genius.
    (he turns to the set)
    Cut!

    Cut to Bernie, talking to the Wives, who are gathered around him in a semi Circle.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Alright, I don’t want to see any real punches. Nothing but grappling.

    WIFE 1:
    (grabbing her own breast)
    Can I grab them like this?


    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    I don’t care. Your fighting.

    WIFE 2:
    What if I-

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Like I said. No punches, just grappling. I don’t want any injuries.

    HAL WARREN:
    (from a Distance)
    Bernie, you all set?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    (yelling to Hal)
    In a second!
    (He turns to the wives)
    Remember what teams your on.
    (he points to the first three)
    You three want the Master to kill the little girl.
    (He points to the other three)
    You want him to spare her.

    Bernie turns around and walks off set.

    HAL WARREN:
    Action!

    Cut to Tom, with a couple of the women grappling in front of him, his gaze is fixed.

    Cut to John Reynolds, who is opening a bottle of pills, putting three in his hand, and swallowing them.

    Ext Ranch-Night

    We see a couple of the wives nursing their wounds. Bernie looks over them.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    I’m sorry.
    (they stare at him. He bites his lip.)
    Anything I can do?

    The girls stare awkwardly at Bernie.

    Cut to Tom and Jackey and Shanka walking to the, John Reynolds is a few paces in front of them. Tom Stops

    TOM NEYMAN:
    John!
    (John stops and looks back at him, and Tom pauses)
    Be careful.

    John starts walking again.

    Int. Ranch-Evening

    John, Jackey, and Diane are standing in the front room, Robert and Bernie are standing behind the camera. They stand still for several moments.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    Where the hell is Hal?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    He said he
    (mocking Hal)
    “Wants to be alone right nowâ€Â.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    (shakes her head)
    Why am I doing this?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    You are being paid right?

    DIANE MAHREE:
    (nods)
    Ten shares. Not even money.

    Bernie looks over at John with a confused look on his face.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Five Shares.

    Bernie looks over at Robert.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    I’m being paid ten! That’s one hundred percent!

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    (to Robert)
    Wait, how much are you getting?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Seventy Five.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    Seventy Five!

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    He oversold the film!

    DIANE MAHREE:
    (to Robert)
    Didn’t you think Seventy Five percent was a little odd?

    Robert looks at Diane, dumbfounded. Hal walks into the room.

    HAL WARREN:
    I’m ready!

    DIANE MAHREE:
    How much of the movie did you sell?

    HAL WARREN:
    Three hundred percent. Why?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    (shaking his head)
    We aren’t going to see a dime, are we?

    HAL WARREN:
    Of course you are. We just have to make a few million dollars.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Right.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Did you guys actually expect to make money on this movie?

    HAL WARREN:
    We will. Now let’s get to work. Officer Jennings is waiting down the road.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I thought we were shooting here.

    HAL WARREN:
    No. Bernie, Bob, come with me. Joyce will meet us there.

    Ext.Roadside-Night

    Bernie Rosenblum and Joyce Molleur are making out in the car. Hal Warren and Robert Guidry are behind them, filming.

    HAL WARREN:
    Cut.

    Hal and Robert pick up the camera, and walk along the roadside for some time. Bernie follows shortly after, and Joyce limps following them.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I hope the lighting is adequate.

    HAL WARREN:
    It should be. It’s your light.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Yes, but I use it in areas where we have street lights anyway. It’s never been used like this before.

    HAL WARREN:
    It should be okay.

    They walk into a small patch of land, and place the light down. Robert holds the camera by hand, until Bernie runs up and grabs it. Robert runs to the side of the road, and runs back, and turns on the light and shines it.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    They’re coming.

    HAL WARREN:
    Alright. Action.

    Cut to the road. The police car pulls up, and the officers step out. The walk a few paces, speak their lines, and go back into the car.

    HAL WARREN:
    Cut!

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I told you the light wasn’t good enough.

    HAL WARREN:
    No, no, it was fine.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I can bring a few more lights tomorrow night.

    HAL WARREN:
    (Frustrated)
    Look, I said it was fine, okay?

    Int. Warren Household-Day

    Hal Warren is laying in bed next to Norma Warren. Norma has her arm around him.

    NORMA WARREN:
    Hal? Aren’t you going to open shop today?

    HAL WARREN:
    Yeah. Just a little late. Long night last night.

    NORMA WARREN:
    Hal, I’m worried about your job.

    HAL WARREN:
    That’s my old job. I’m more concerned with my new job.

    Int. Theater-evening

    Mr. Gordon is standing up, in front of two people on stage, both men. John Reynolds enters. Mr. Gordon turns and looks at him, and walks down to meet him.

    MR. GORDON:
    Didn’t expect you to make it.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Why not?

    MR. GORDON:
    Hal and Tom haven’t shown up. I guess working on the movie made them just think that this amateur theater is below them.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    No, man. That's not it at all.
    (beat)
    Let me call up Hal. He probably just forgot. Tom too.

    MR. GORDON:
    John, don’t worry about it. Just worry about the movie. Now, go home and get some rest. You look exhausted.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    But…
    (he points to the stage)
    MacBeth…

    MR. GORDON:
    There will be other plays.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    (Nods)
    Yeah.

    Int Ranch-Night

    Hal Warren and Bernie Rosenblum are behind the camera. John Reynold's is sleeping in the dirt, Tom Neyman walks in and starts performing his lines. John Reynold's misses his cue (the actual lines will be written in when available).

    HAL WARREN:
    (Angrily)
    Cut! John, come with me.

    John and Hal walk out the door.

    Cut to John and Hal walking in the other room.

    HAL WARREN:
    This is the third time you missed your cue. I know your a better actor then that.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

    HAL WARREN:
    You better not.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    I've been a bit distracted. Every day when I come home, my I have to hear the same damn lecture on how I'm wasting my life.

    HAL WARREN:
    (concerned)
    Does your family really think that?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    My father does.

    HAL WARREN:
    John, let your father believe what he wants. Let him say what he wants. But don't let it control your life. You are doing something amazing here. You are making a goddamn movie. You wanted to be an actor, and what did I do? I made you an actor. Your father is not important. The movie is important. Now get your act together and stop wasting my film.

    Cut to Hal Warren and John Reynolds entering the room. John Walks forward, Hal goes behind the camera.

    HAL WARREN:
    Alright, Scene 20, Manos the Hands of Fate, ready!

    Cut to Tom Neyman and John Reynolds.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    What did he call the movie?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    (with exaggerated arm movements)
    Mangoes, Cans of Fruit!

    Cut To Hal, meeting Bob Guidry behind the camera.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Hal.

    HAL WARREN:
    Yeah?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I just thought I’d ask, uh, how are we doing on film stock?

    Ext. Ranch-Day

    Hal Warren and Robert Guidry walk to the back of Hal’s car. Hal opens the trunk.

    Cut to a POV shot where we see the dwindling supply of Film stock.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I think we need to buy more film.

    HAL WARREN:
    I don’t have the money for that.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Then I don’t think we can finish the film.

    HAL WARREN:
    Of course we can. We just have to make sure that every shot we get from now on is perfect.

    Robert shakes his head and turns away.


    Int Ranch Night

    John Reynolds and Tom Neyman are entering the room where Jackey lay asleep on the couch. Tom walks over to chair and looks at his daughter, smiling.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    You think you can drive me here tomorrow, too?

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Yeah, I suppose.

    John Reynolds walks next to him, looks at Jackey, and sits down on the floor. Tom puts his arm on John's shoulder. Tom lets his head back and closes his eyes.

    Int. Neyman Household-Night

    Cut to Jackey Sr, sitting on a couch next the front door. She is sleeping, moving her head only slightly.

    Int. Ranch Evening

    John Reynolds is laying on the floor Hal Warren's foot nudges his head twice, and he slowly wakes up.

    HAL WARREN:
    John, I'm not paying you to sleep.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Your not paying us anyway.

    HAL WARREN:
    (ignoring John)
    Come on, it's getting dark.

    John raises his upper half up, bending upward as he struggles to stand.

    Wife Area-Night

    Hal Warren and John Reynolds walk into the Area where Bernie Rosenblum, Tom Neyman, and the Wives are waiting.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    So you finally woke him?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    He kicked me.

    HAL WARREN:
    (nods)
    He was sleeping,
    (he turns to Bernie)
    what is Bob's excuse?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    He's probably just busy, that's all. We can get a couple of shots without him.

    Cut to: Bernie laying down in the middle. Everyone else is off screen.

    HAL WARREN:
    Alright, as soon as you see the girls, come into view, it's Action!

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    I know Hal.

    Shadows slowy creep over him, and the wives start reaching at his face. They start grabbing his crotch, and he begins to scream. He flips the camera on while shaking wildly.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    What the hell are your girls doing? Hands off my dick!

    Cut to John Reynolds, Hal Warren, and Tom Neyman laughing hysterically at Bernie.

    Cut to Robert Guidry's care coming down the road.

    Cut to Hal Warren walking to the road, and looking at the car in the distance.

    HAL WARREN:
    It's about damn time.

    Cut to Bernie, with the Wives grabbing all over him.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    (with a mixture of laughing and screaming)
    Goddammit, what is wrong with you! I the film stopped rolling ten seconds ago! Hands off already!

    Bernie Rosenblum roles off the small table in the center of the wives area, and slowly gets up.

    Cut to the car pulling up. Robert Guidry walks out in a safari hat, a monocle, and a riding crop.

    ROBERT GUIRDY:
    I'm directing now. And I say, we don't need adequate lighting. We don't need to buy more film when we run low. I have a horrible screenplay, would you like seven thousands shares? All you have to do is work for me, and if you tell me how to do my job I will
    (he whips the riding crop)
    get angry with you.

    Everyone is gathering around, laughing, excpt for Hal Warren, who picks up the slate from the ground and throws it at Robert Guidry. The slate hits him

    HAL WARREN:
    Is this what you think? Is this what you really think? Then leave. I don't need you.

    Cut to Hal Warren walking away. John Reynolds follows behind him.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Hey, Hal, wait up.

    HAL WARREN:
    Go away, I need to be alone for a few moments.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Christ, man,it's not worth the stroke your having.

    HAL WARREN:
    I don't want to hear it. You found that shit funny!

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Of course.
    (he laughs softly to himself)
    It was funny.

    HAL WARREN:
    Yeah, your just like everyone else. You won't listen to me, you don't even respect me.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Hal, I respect you.

    HAL WARREN:
    You fumble your lines, you sleep all day, and you call the film Mangoes, Cans of Fruit.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    I'm enjoying myself. Hell, we all are. Except you.

    HAL WARREN:
    Maybe I think we should be taking this a bit more seriously.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    We do our work, and we do the best we can. Isn't that enough?

    HAL WARREN:
    Maybe instead of doing your best you should do better.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    (looks down to the ground, confused, then back up)
    Look, let Bob say what he wants. Your doing something amazing here. We are making a goddamn movie. Now forget about Bob, and let's finish the damn movie.

    HAL WARREN:
    I don't want to hear it.

    John stops, while Hal keeps moving forward. John turns around, and takes his hat off.



    Int. Neyman Household-Night

    Tom Neyman enters, carrying Jackey Neyman Jr. He puts her to the ground, she stumbles slightly. Jackey Neyman Sr. confronts Tom.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    (Softly, to Jackey Jr)
    Hey, kid, time for bed.

    He looks back up at Jackey Sr.

    JACKEY NEYMAN Sr:
    Hey.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Hey.

    JACKEY NEYMAN Sr:
    So. . . How did filming go today.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Not too bad. The director threw half of the budget at the cinematographer today.

    JACKEY NEYMAN Sr:
    I wish I could have been there.

    Jackey Neyman Sr. Walks over to Tom Neyman, who walks to meet her. She puts her head on his shoulder.

    Int Warren Household-Day

    Hal Warren and Norma Warren are having breakfast. His son is sitting across from him.

    HAL WARREN:
    Do you think

    NORMA WARREN:
    What?

    HAL WARREN:
    Never mind.

    Int Neyman's Car-Day

    Tom Neyman and John Reynolds are sitting in the front seat of a car. Jackey Neyman Jr. and Shanka are in the back seat. John Reynolds swallows a couple of pills.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    What was that?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    What was what?

    TOM NEYMAN:
    The Pills you just swallowed.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Just some painkillers.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    What kind of painkillers?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Look, Man, the prosthetics hurt. And I wear them for almost twelve hours a day.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    No need to get defensive. I'm just concerned.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Why? I have pain in my knees, so I take painkillers.

    Tom Neyman shakes his Head

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    What?

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Nothing.
    (beat)
    How long before we have to be at Coldwell's?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Not for another hour and a half. Why?

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Because there is this kinda hip place I know of that I think you’ll like.

    Int. Coffee House-Day

    John and Tom are sitting down, listinging to a young “Hippie girl†reading poetry. Jackey is sitting next to Tom, looking at the floor. John looks at Tom


    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    I hate you, man.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    What? Why?

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Because I’m here and don’t have shit to read!

    TOM NEYMAN:
    If you want to share so much, then write something down now.

    John grabs a napkin, pulls a pen out of his pocket, and starts writing. A large Hippie type man comes to the microphone. He looks at the woman, who is walking off the stage.

    HIPPIE MAN:
    Wow, man, that was beautiful.
    (he looks at the crowd)
    Anybody else?

    John stands up and walks to the mike. The Hippie man walks off.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    This is a haiku.
    It is only three lines long.
    It’s not hard to write.
    (the crowd laughs. John smiles)
    Alright, were done with that. Now on to the art. (Reynolds Poem is unwritten as of now)




    Int Ranch-Evening

    John Reynolds, Tom Neyman, Bernie Rosenblum, Joyce Molleur, Robert Guidry, Diane Mahree, and the Master's wives are gathered in the front room of the lodge. They sit there quietly for several moments, until Hal walks in.

    HAL WARREN:
    Well, Let's get to work.

    Ext. Wife Area-Night
    Hal Warren is looking forward while helping Jackey step up to the post for her last scene in the movie. Diane and the other wives are already in place. Bernie Rosenblum is already filming the one just next to Diane.

    HAL WARREN:
    There you go, Jackey. Now just close your eyes, were almost done.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    And thank God for that.


    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    (off screen)
    Yeah, we finished filming last Sunday. I want you all to see it. I really do.

    Cut to:

    Int. Reynold’s Household-Night

    John Reynolds taking acid, lying down on his bead.

    ROBERT GUIDRY
    (off screen)
    Because if nobody sees it, it's all been for nothing, right?

    Cut to:

    Int. Neyman Household-Day

    Tom Neyman and Jackey Neyman Jr. Playing With Shanka.

    ROBERT GUIDRY
    (continued)
    I mean, that's why we make movies, so that you can watch them.

    Cut to

    Int. Ranch-Day

    Colbert Coldwell Shoveling the dirt Torgo slept in into a wheel barrel.

    ROBERT GUIDRY
    (continued)
    I don't know how good the film is going to be. I don't expect much out of it.

    Cut to

    Int. Doctor’s Office-Day

    Joyce Molleur at the doctor's, the doctor cutting off her cast.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    (Continued)
    Though for all the pain and frustration, I say it was worth it.

    Cut to

    Int. Radio Station Day

    Robert Guidry talking into a microphone.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I'd be lying if I said I'm going to miss working on Manos. Still, I think we all had a good time. I really mean it. It was a lot of fun.

    Int. Post House-Day

    Hal Warren is sitting with an editor on a machine. The editor looks up at Hal.

    EDITOR:
    You only have sixty five minutes here.

    Subtitle: POST-PRODUCTION
     
  3. A.M. Radio

    A.M. Radio Guest

    HAL WARREN:
    Well, what can we do to help pad the film?

    EDITOR:
    Hmm... We could add in a couple more scenes of you driving to the lodge.

    HAL WARREN:
    Alright.

    EDITOR:
    What footage do you want me to put in?

    HAL WARREN:
    All of it.. Did you find that rattlesnake footage I asked for?

    EDITOR:
    Yes. You know, in your movie it’s night. The rattlesnake footage looks like it was shot in the day.

    HAL WARREN:
    If all you can see is the snake, how can you tell?

    Int. Neyman Household-Day

    Tom Neyman is carrying the Master's painting, and putting it up in his front room. Jackey Neyman Sr. is looking at it. Tom looks back at her, then back at the painting.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    What? Don't you like it?

    Jackey Neyman Sr. Looks down and smiles.

    Dissolve to:

    Reynold's Household-Day

    John Reynolds is eating salad, his father across from him.

    COL REYNOLDS:
    I'm haven't heard anything about “Manos†lately.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Filming is done. Hal is in Houston dubbing it now.

    COL REYNOLDS:
    (Frustrated)
    Without you? Some part, you don't even get to provide your own voice.

    JOHN REYNOLDS:
    Look, man, I never said this was the perfect job.

    COL REYNOLDS:
    (Slowly getting more agitated)
    You don't get paid. you don't demonstrate your talent. What exactly do you have to show for all the work you did?

    Int John Reynold's Bedroom-Day

    John Reynolds runs into his room, kicking over a chair, throwing over the table that has his lamp. He kicks and breaks a dresser door before he sits down on his bed. He looks up, distraught, depressed, feeling his life had become meaningless.

    Int. Recording Studio-Night

    Hal Warren and Tom Neyman are recording audio in a recording room. Diane Mahree is waiting outside. There is a man at a desk in the background. The phone rings, and he picks it up.

    MAN:
    Hal Warren?

    Diane Mahree gets up and walks to the man.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    I'll take it.
    (the man hands her the phone)
    Hello?

    Cut to: Diane walking into the recording room. This scene is shot by shot from the Col. Blake Death in MASH.

    HAL WARREN:
    Diane, two at a time.

    DIANE MAHREE:
    (she looks at Tom.)
    I just got a phone call from your wife.
    (she looks back at the two)
    It's about John. Last night, he just.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    What happened?

    DIANE MAHREE:
    He's been having problems, we could all tell.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    What happened?

    DIANE MAHREE:
    He took a gun.
    (she pauses. Then she softly and quickly mumbles the rest.)
    He's dead. He shot himself.

    Hal Warren looks at the shocked Tom Neyman.

    HAL WARREN:
    Tom, I...

    TOM NEYMAN:
    (bluntly)
    Let's get back to work.

    Int. Warren Household-Day

    Hal Warren is hand writing on several envelopes. We see him writing on one the name of the Mayor of El Paso. He takes that one, and sets it aside. He begins writing on the Next on “Stirling Silliphant.â€Â

    Int. Tuxedo Place-Day

    Robert Guidry is trying on a Tuxedo, while Bernie Rosenblum is talking with a woman in the background.

    Int. Stirling Silliphant's Home-Day

    Stirling Silliphant is reading the letter, which says “Dear Mr. Silliphant, This is Hal Warren. You are invited to a special premiere of my directorial debut film, Manos: the Hands of Fate.†He smiles and folds the letter back up.

    Ext. Theater-Day

    Hal Warren and a two assistants are pulling a search light out of the back of a pick up. Pan up the The Marquee that says “Tonight! Manos the Hands of Fate!†Underneath it, in smaller letters, it says “In Memory of John Reynolds, Jr.â€Â

    Ext. Theater-Night

    Cut to Evening, a large crowd gathered around the theater, entering. The spotlight turned on, people mingling.

    Cut to a Limo pulling up. Hal Warren and Diane Mahree walk out, waving. The car drives away, around the corner, and we see Tom Neyman, Jackey Neyman Jr., Bernie Rosenblum, Robert Guidry, Joyce Molluer, and the Wives waiting. Tom Neyman and Jackey Neyman Jr. Walk to the door and enter.

    Int. Theater-Night

    Bernie Rosenblum and Robert Guidry sit next to eachother. Throughout this sequence, the crowd gets smaller in every single cut.

    Subtitle: INFAMY

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Nervous?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    A bit. But how bad can it be?

    The theater goes dark.

    Cut to the Screen. It says “Manos the Hands of Fate.†We see the opening scene, and the family starts driving. Jackey Neyman Jr. says her opening lines.

    Cut to Jackey Neyman Jr., Jackey Neyman Sr., and Tom Neyman sitting together.

    JACKEY NEYMAN Jr:
    That's not my voice!

    Cut to: The Extensive Driving sequence, then back to Hal Warren.

    HAL WARREN:
    Oh, hell. They forgot my credits!

    The crowd is heard laughing.

    Cut to two men in the audience.

    MAN 1:
    I paid to see this?

    MAN 2:
    We all do things we are not proud of.

    Cut to Bernie Rosenblum and Robert Guidry

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    The cast party is at your parent's place, right?

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Yeah.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I'll meet you there.

    He stands up and starts walking out of the aisle. Bernie Roesenblum looks back up at the screen.

    Cut to footage of him making out with Joyce Molluer.

    Cut to Joyce Molluer, who is smiling with embarrassment.

    Cut back to the screen. The fight between the Master’s wives on.

    Cut to a young couple, man and woman, eating popcorn and watching the film.

    WOMAN:
    I’d like to say it could be worse, but…

    MAN:
    The Words escape me.

    We hear Diane's Dialog, where she is trying to convince Hal of the dangers. Cut to the screen, with the Rattlesnake stock footage mixed in with Hal shooting. The crowd laughs hysterically.

    Cut to Hal’s disturbed face.

    HAL WARREN:
    Oh, Hell.

    Int. Rosenblum Household-Night

    Hal Warren and his Wife walk into the crowded house, where everyone is mingling. Hal moves away from his wife and meets up with Diane Mahree.

    HAL WARREN:
    Stirling here?

    DIANE MAHREE:
    No. I don’t think he even came to the premiere.

    HAL WARREN:
    Oh, well. It’s still early, right?

    DIANE MAHREE:
    (Dishonestly Smiling)
    Yeah. That’s right.

    He walks over to the couch where Robert Guidry and Bernie Rosenblum are sitting.

    HAL WARREN:
    Hey, Robert, I think we should book more studio time.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    (Nervously)
    Why?

    HAL WARREN:
    I think we should redub Manos. Make it a comedy.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    Can't make it any worse then it already is, right?

    Bernie Rosenblum looks up nervously at Hal Warren, smiling so that Hal realizes the joke that was intended.

    HAL WARREN:
    That's right.

    Bernie Rosenblum slowly gets up. Robert Guidry follows him seconds later.

    BERNIE ROSENBLUM:
    How are we doing on Cola?

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    Not very good. We’ve been on the same three cases for about two hours now.

    Hal Warren walks over to a table of snacks and drinks where Tom Neyman and Jackey Neyman are standing. There are several full bottles of Cola on the table.

    HAL WARREN:
    Hey, Tom, I just wanted to say that-

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Hal, the only reason I am here is because Jackey wanted to come.

    Tom Neyman walks away with Jackey.

    HAL WARREN:
    Look, I know how Stressful things have been for you. So I got a little something for Jackey.

    Hal Warren looks down at Jackey, takes her hand. He walks away from the table with her. Tom Follows.

    Ext. Rosenblum Household-Night

    Hal Warren is leading Jackey Neyman Jr. Around a corner. Tom Neyman is following behind the two.

    HAL WARREN:
    Jackey, what did you think of the movie?

    JACKEY NEYMAN Jr:
    It was stupid. That wasn’t my voice.

    HAL WARREN:
    Yeah, I probably should have told you about that.

    She continues to walk around the corner. She sees a bicycle and runs up to it. Cut to Hal and Tom.

    HAL WARREN:
    Yeah, I also got some chow for the dog.

    TOM NEYMAN:
    Great. Now you just have to pay the rest of us.

    Int. Silliphant Household-Day

    Stirling Silliphant dials Hal’s Number.

    Cut to:

    Int. Warren Household-Day


    HAL WARREN:
    Hello?

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    (Phone)
    Hal, it’s Stirling. Sorry I didn’t make it to the premiere. How'd it go?

    Hal’s face goes from apathetic to excited as Stirling talks.

    HAL WARREN:
    As much as I try to keep my sense of humor about it, it was a failure. I for an entire week, I was the butt of all El Paso's jokes.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    (Phone)
    Look, Hal, I'm just excited for you for getting the movie made.

    cut to:
    Int. Silliphant Household

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    Lot's of people want to do what you have done. You made a movie, right?

    HAL WARREN:
    (phone)
    Yeah.

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    That should be good enough. Maybe you can make another one, a better one. If not, you still did something amazing. And you should be damn proud of yourself. I don’t know of anybody who can just get up and do something like that.
    (beat)
    Well, maybe Roger Corman.
    (beat)
    So, anyway, how’s the wife, what’s her name?

    HAL WARREN:
    (Phone)
    You mean Norma?

    STIRLING SILLIPHANT:
    Yeah. How’s Norma?

    Int. Radio Station-Day

    Hal Warren drops a screenplay on Robert Guidry's desk.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    What the hell is this?

    HAL WARREN:
    Our next movie.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    No.

    HAL WARREN:
    Look, Robert.

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    I said no.

    HAL WARREN:
    Come on Robert!

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    No. You threw a slate at me, remember that? You hard to work with, and your last movie was horrible.

    HAL WARREN:
    We can do better. See, the story is about this teacher, who-

    ROBERT GUIDRY:
    No. You can't.Just no. Only now are people beginning to forget our last travesty. And chances are, it will be gone forever.

    Cut to:
    Int. Chicago Theater

    Newski is getting up in front of a large cheering crowd

    NEWSKI:
    40 years ago this month, in the Capri Theater in El Paso, Manos the Hands of Fate was screened for the first time. More then half the crowd left the premiere early, the film was so painful to watch. After a short time, Manos became nothing more then a faded memory. Until eleven years ago when it was rediscovered. Unfortunately for all of you, now you have to watch it.

    The theater goes dark and Manos the Hands of Fate begins. The crowd cheers at the title.

    Fade to black

    BERNARD ROSENBLUM:
    (off screen)
    And, In summary “Manos, the Hands of Fate.â€Â


    The famous line from MST3k, spoken by my good friend Bernie Rosenblum himself. He stated he would like to be in the movie, but he's too old toplay himself. So I wrote that last line for him. He literally jumped for joy.
     

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