Guy Help Needed

Discussion in 'Dating & Relationships' started by Phoenixfire5, May 9, 2008.

  1. Phoenixfire5

    Phoenixfire5 Registered Member

    I was engaged to a man I still love very much. Three days before my 21st birthday, he called me to tell me that he was interested in another girl, and broke it off with me. He claimed he didn't think that we'd be happy together in the long run. (knowing him as well as I do, I know he means that he's afraid I'll get bored of him.)

    He called me 4 days later, the night before my birthday, to wish me happy birthday when it turned midnight. He told me numerous times that he wanted me around, if only as a friend. That he didn't love this girl, he was infatuated, and that he was curious. He was "just curious, that's all" and kept insisting that I should keep up hope for us having a relationship in the future. (I know it's a red flag. ignore it. not the point) He kept struggling between trying to make me stay and telling me to live my life. In the way he talked to me, I could tell he still loves me. Also, he didn't call me by my name, instead it was hun, babe, baby. I pointed it out and he said it was because it's what he wanted to call me.

    Now, I know this seems desperate, but I'm not. I'm a very strong woman and I can live without him. I can move on, and I can continue. Thing is, I love him, and there's so much potential there...we never fought. We communicated so well...it was a long distance relationship and those are hard. And the way he broke it off and still talks to me only furthers my thinkings that he doesn't want to lose me and that he still wants me.

    I want to know what I can do to get him back. Now I don't mean begging and pleading or any of that crap. I mean things I can do to mess with his head a bit and make HIM come to ME. I'm already barely talking to him, which is driving him nuts, cause I'm the closest "friend" he's got and we used to talk 12+ hours a day. Also, I had two books he wanted. I mailed them to him. I made sure they smelled like my perfume (the last time he smelled it we were at a romantic candle lit dinner). I also ripped out a page from a baby name book I had which had a list of the names he and I had come up with for our children. I placed it in the book as if it was a bookmark. (he desperately wants a family. he's 34 and afraid of not having one.) We corresponded barely about the books, and I let him know when I mailed them. I've heard nothing since they arrived at his house (delivery confirmation).

    He and I haven't been apart long, and I was wondering what I can to do basically psychologically get to him. What would make him want to come back to me. Anything that would make him think of me, and make him regret letting me go (because I know, and I know he knows, that there is no replacement for what we had and who I am). I want to know what would make him question what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm up to. I want him to wonder what we might have been, and where we might be now if he hadn't broken it off. I want him to wonder if he can get me back.

    And I need guys to tell me what would get to them, or girls if you had something that worked in the past it would rock. I don't want to come off as desperate and I don't want him to know that I'm trying to get him back. Like, I don't want it blatantly obvious.

    *sighs* I just want help...you find that one person who fits you like a glove...it's too hard to let them go. I don't want to let go of the one man who still may be mine. Advice? Please? Thank you.
     

  2. Boredie

    Boredie In need of Entertainment

    My own opinion is that if he said he wants you as a friend I don't know if your doings will change his mind. There is something blocking his desire to be with you, you need to try and find out what is REALLY bothering/scaring him into committing to you. What you want to do is fine so long as you figure out what the REAL "problem" is that he has and try and get him, with that knowledge.
    Good luck.
     
  3. SiroV

    SiroV Registered Member

    Ok to answer your main question "How do I get HIM to come to ME?"

    Simply put, tell him you met someone else.
     
  4. Phoenixfire5

    Phoenixfire5 Registered Member

    I know what the real issue is. He got divorced in 2000 because his wife cheated on him when they were going through a tough time. When we started dating in 07 I was his first relationship since that divorce. He's afraid of getting hurt again, I'm positive. It doesn't matter how many times I assure him I won't get bored of him and I would never hurt him...it doesn't help. He moved back to his home state for me so we could be closer, but about a week later I could feel he was distracted and slipping away. My sister thinks it's because he's back with his alcoholic father (who was SUPPOSED to move to Florida.) and all of the influences he had as a child. He had moved 700 miles from home to get a fresh start and then moved back for me. I think the environment doesn't help. But no matter what, even if it is just lust or whatever...you don't have intense feelings for someone and then not have them a day later. That tells me that he's doing what I do and shoving them down and not acknowledging them.

    As for making him come to me...if I say I've met someone else...he gives up. I've tried that before. I tried to make him jealous by telling him about this guy that's got this huge thing for me and wanted to hang out. He gives up and gets into this 'whatever you feel is best' mode. It backfires. I mean, I could try, I guess...give as little information as possible. When I talked to him on the phone last I asked him what the new chick's name was. He told me it didn't matter, was instantly quiet, almost sounded ashamed, and asked why I wanted to know. He acts weird about the whole thing...that's why I know something is up.
     
  5. Bliss

    Bliss Sally Twit

    Messing with his head to get him back would be wrong. Why would you want to get back together if you knew it didn't happen naturally? Maybe he is going through something right now and felt space was needed. You won't know until you ask him straight out. Sit him down and ask him straight out what the problem is. It might not even have a thing to do with your relationship.

    If he genuinely doesn't feel the same about you anymore then that is sad but you'll have to learn to get go. You should never force someone to be with you, it can be considered as psycho. I understand you are hurting and you feel like you need him but if you REALLY love him then you must respect his decision.

    Sit him down and talk about it to find out what the problem is. Hopefully you will be able to get through it together.
     
  6. Phoenixfire5

    Phoenixfire5 Registered Member

    I'm not trying to convince him he still loves me, I'm trying to find a way to get into his head to have him realize he does. I'm not forcing him to do anything, and I'm certainly not psycho.

    I've asked him what the problem was. He comes up with all sorts of excuses that make no sense and eventually I get "I don't know, baby, I really don't" He says that I did nothing wrong, and it wasn't anything I said. He doesn't know what's going on, and all he keeps insisting is that this chick "just interests" him. I think that deep down he knows what's wrong, and he's afraid to admit it to himself. To get engaged, and to have a relationship that is ideal on every level; great communication for problem solving, no fighting, ample attention for both parties...and then to suddenly just not feel something for that person anymore? It's odd. And when I spoke on the phone with him last, we were back to acting as we had in the beginning, all of the emotions right back there. He even had a silent pause right before he hung up where he used to say he loved me.

    I don't know, but...honestly I think that says something. The behavior isn't the usual 'I found someone else and don't want you anymore'.
     
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