Got Joke????

[AngelsPeak]

Time to share your funnies....I need a good laugh today!!:lol:

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey,
they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'HindLick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

 

[Mr_Snipes]

OMG LMAOROFL I ain't nev'r herd that one before

 

[AngelsPeak]

The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the
country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't
know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

and the best one . . .

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we
don't. .... Sign here."

 

[AngelsPeak]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:

Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police
Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds
Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes
Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious
Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued
by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....





Typhoon Rips Through
Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Did I read that sign right?

 

[AngelsPeak]

>>
>> > OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
>> >
>> > 1) Pull into to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000-miles
>>since the
>> > last oil change.
>> >
>> > 2) Drink a hot cup of coffee and relax.
>> >
>> > 3) 20-minutes later, write a check and leave with a
>>well-maintained
>> > vehicle.
>> >
>> > MONEY SPENT :
>> > Oil Change $20.00
>> > Coffee $1.00
>> > TOTAL: $21.00
>> >
>> > - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>> > OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
>> >
>> > 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case
>>of oil,
>> > filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree; write
>>check for
>> > $50.
>> >
>> > 2) Go by Qwik-Stop and buy a case of beer; write a check for
>>$20.00,
>> > drive home.
>> >
>> > 3) Drink a beer to "get started."
>> >
>> > 4) Jack car up. Spend 30-minutes looking for jack stands.
>> >
>> > 5) Find jack stands under son's go-kart.
>> >
>> > 6) In frustration, have another beer.
>> >
>> > 7) Place drain pan under engine.
>> >
>> > 8) Look for 9/16" box-end wrench.
>> >
>> > 9) Give up and use crescent-wrench instead.
>> >
>> > 10) Unscrew drain plug.
>> >
>> > 11) Accidently drop drain plug into pan of hot oil, splashing
>>hot oil on
>> > you in process.
>> >
>> > 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and
>>arms.
>> > Throw kitty litter on oil drops.
>> >
>> > 13) Drink another beer while watching oil drain.
>> >
>> > 14) Spend 30-minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
>> >
>> > 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through
>> > oil filter and twist off.
>> >
>> > 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter
>> > splashing hot oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old
>> > oil filter among debris in trash can to avoid environmental fee.
>> > Drink a Beer.
>> >
>> > 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to
>>finish oil
>> > change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
>> >
>> > 18) Sunday: Skip church because, "I gotta finish the oil
>>change." Drag
>> > pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil
>>in hole
>> > in backyard instead of taking it to be recycled, and avoid
>>environmental
>> > fee.
>> >
>> > 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
>> >
>> > 20) Drink a Beer? No,......... drank it all Saturday.
>> >
>> > 21) Walk to Qwik-Stop, buy more beer.
>> >
>> > 22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of
>>oil to
>> > gasket surface.
>> >
>> > 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
>> >
>> > 24) Suddenly remember drain plug from step 11.
>> >
>> > 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
>> >
>> > 26) Recall that the used oil is buried in a hole in the backyard
>>--
>> > along with drain plug.
>> >
>> > 27) Drink Beer.
>> >
>> > 28) Shovel out hole and sift through oily mud for drain plug.
>>Re-shovel
>> > oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly
>>conceal
>> > oily patch of ground and avoid environmental fee. Wash drain
>>plug in
>> > lawnmower gas.
>> >
>> > 29) Discover first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
>>kitty
>> > litter on oil.
>> >
>> > 30) Drink Beer.
>> >
>> > 31) Crawl back under car, get kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes
>>with
>> > oily gas rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent
>>wrench
>> > tightening drain plug rapping knuckles on sharp edge of frame.
>> >
>> > 32) Bang forehead on exhaust manifold in reaction to step 31.
>> >
>> > 33) Cussing fit.
>> >
>> > 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
>> >
>> > 35) Cuss for additional 10-minutes.
>> >
>> > 36)......and drink Beer.
>> >
>> > 37) Clean up hands and head, and apply bandages to stop blood
>>flow.
>> >
>> > 38) Drink Beer to stop pain....
>> >
>> > 39) ..Ditto.
>> >
>> > 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
>> >
>> > 41) Drink Beer.
>> >
>> > 42) Lower car from jack stands.
>> >
>> > 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
>> >
>> > 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
>> > from steps 23 - 43.
>> >
>> > 45) Drink Beer.
>> >
>> > 46) Test drive car.
>> >
>> > 47) Pulled-over and arrested for DUI.
>> >
>> > 48) Car towed and impounded.
>> >
>> > 49) Call loving wife; make bail.
>> >
>> > 50) 12-hours later; bail out car.
>> >
>> > MONEY SPENT :
>> > Parts $50.00
>> > DUI $2,500.00
>> > Towing Fee $175.00
>> > Impound Fee $75.00
>> > Bail $1,500.00
>> > Beer $40.00
>> > TOTAL: $4,340.00
>> >
>> > BUT , YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT ! ! !
>> >
>
>