Got a few good ones for you!

Pugz

Ms. Malone
V.I.P.
#1
Y'know me...well some of you won't, but those that do know i can find some good jokes sometimes; so here's a few.

Beer and Wine vs Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of beer or wine.. and those who don't.


As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is
freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled
trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other
words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or
tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through
a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Beer/Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink beer and talk stupid, than to
drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm
doing it as a public service.


Captain and First mate

A first mate rolls a keg of rum onto the ship and the Captain asks: ''Where did you get that keg?''
"From a wench, Cap'n."
"And why would a wench give you a keg of rum?" The Captain asked.
"Well sir, i was colletcing supplies when i saw this wench with this keg, she grabs my hand, takes me and the keg behind a house, strips down naked and says 'take anything you want'."
"You did right." The Captain praises. "You'd never fit into those clothes."

Vet school

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around
the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, 'In Veterinary
Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
animal body.'

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger
in the but of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his
mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anl opening of the
dead cow and sucking on it.


When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. 'Now learn to pay attention.
Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.
'