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Gold-Eye

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See_Me_Fly

Guest
Chapter one: Fallen destiny

Serath sat up and rubbed his eyes. The eyes that had caused everyone to think he was a freak. The eyes he hated, but his mother had loved.
"Those gold eyes are a sign that you have a great destiny!" She exclaimed every time Serath complained. Then she would tousel his wavy brown hair, though most of the times she didn't because Serath was tall for his age, and already stood to the same height.
Now his mother was dead. The remaining barrier from the harsh cries of reality was shattered. Serath, then an orphan, was only 5 years old. Now, he was 10 and someone had finally come to adopt him. A mysterious cloaked man, took one look at Serath's eyes and filled out the adoption form, which was strange because whenever someone saw his eyes, they ran away. Now it was just a matter of waiting. Frankly, Serath didn't want to go with the man, but he had no choice. He had liked it in the orphanage. It was empty, no one else was there except him. Sometimes he played on a little flute he had made out of a branch. Other times, he just sat by himself, staring at the sunrise, sunset, and then the darkness of the night.
Serath always felt happy when it was night time. He could pretend he was the only person in the world and he enjoyed the freedom. The darkness cloaked him, making sure no one ever saw him, at least at night. To Serath, the closest thing to him was the dark sky of nighttime.

Chapter Two: Secrets

The day had come when Serath was taken to his new home. With only the rags he called his clothes on his back and the little wooden flute, Serath left the only home he knew. At the man's large house (he was frickin rich), the man beckoned him closer. "What is your name, young one?"
"S-serath, sir." Serath shivered. It was freezing cold.
"What an unusual name,"The man mused,"But it fits you." Smiling at the confused look on Serath's face, he explained,"Serath means Gold-Eye in the ancient language. And my name is Shade."The man led Serath up the stairs and into a very large room with a large bed, closet, and reclining chair. "This is your room. you may stay here until I call you down for dinner." And with that, the man called Shade left.
Serath gazed around his new room. It all felt so strange to him, finally having anything of his own except for the raggedy clothes he always wore and the wooden flute he had made. Serath made a list in his head of the bad and good things that had happened to him:

Big room-good
Man is nice-so far-good
Still have flute-good
No one cares about my eyes-great

Things were looking up for him so far.
 
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dias2525

Guest
interesting... I'm intruged to find out more of this story. I think it could use a little more detail. But it is good none the less..
 
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Sorayoushi

Guest
I think it's fine. It reminds me of the book, Magyk. Anyways, it's still great and as Dias said, it lacks a bit of details.
 
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See_Me_Fly

Guest
Uh...ill try...

Chapter Three: Betrayal
For eight years, Serath grew under Shade's care. Shade taught him all sorts of things, ranging from reading and writing to music and magic. They shared jokes together and Shade always comforted Serath when he was upset or angry. Shade shielded Serath from the world of humans and cheered him on when everybody else laughed at him and hurt him. Serath soon grew to like the blue, twinkling eyes, long white beard, strong arms that usually wrapped around him in the form of a warm hug. The wounds of his past were healed by the man called Shade, the only one who had cared for him in a long time.


"HA!" Serath cried as he defeated his master yet again in martial arts. Shade got up, grinning.
"Now it is time to practice your sorcery!" Shade thrust out a hand and muttered out a spell in something that seemed like a other-worldly language, smooth and clear, like a chime of a bell. Serath had learned that it was just called the ancient language, and he had educated himself in the ways of it.
A unique habit of Serath was how he could analyze what was coming at him and see it coming even if it seemed invisable. Now, just as Shade's spell was about to hit him, he raised his hand, palm up toward his master, and uttered "Arinsingr!" A blast of black flames surrounded Serath, but not harming him. He grinned at his master. Then, diving out of the way of the licking flames, he cried out, "Akingser!" unleashing a bout of gold flames at his master.
Shade's eyes widened. He raised a hand to protect himself and tried to utter a counterspell, but the flames came too fast. "Serath!" he yelled. Then he closed his eyes and waited for the end of his life. It never came. Instead, there was laughter.
"Old man, did you really think i would kill you?" Serath managed to say in between his helpless rounds of laughter. He had stopped his flames just in the nick of time. Shade glared at Serath, and then broke into laughter too.
" Young fool, you are still not ready for the world! You should have killed me while you had the chance!"
" What do you mean?" Serath started, then gasped in shock as black flames surrounded him. "What are you doing?!" He tried to utter a counterspell, but the dark flames smothered him.
" You have grown powerful my young apprentice, too powerful." Shade sneered at Serath and then, his form started to bend."I can't believe how long i had to live with a pitiful human like you, even though you are more like us. You have not evolved yet. What a disappointment." The figure finally settled in a sleek black form, much like a wolf. It stood on four legs and stared at Serath.
Serath struggled against his bonds, but it was no use. His eyes bleared and tears filled his eyes. The last thing he saw as the flames consumed him was the icy stare of the creature he once loved as a father. Shade...
 

SuiGeneris

blue 3
Hm...I like it. Nice little twist there. However you really need more emotional detail in the story, as well as more detail over all. Stories are the hardest thing to write in my opinion becuase they require so much detail. Good start though.

(Also you need to go back and edit your first post. Just copy your second post and put it in your first then delete your second post. Otherwise I can ding you on double-posting.)
 
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Sorayoushi

Guest
I agree with Sui Generis. Wonderful twist. I'm not sure about the lack of details. It was fine?
 
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See_Me_Fly

Guest
oh thx for telling me that Sui Generis! I didnt kno wat to do lol... :D
 

SuiGeneris

blue 3
No problem Fly; a lot of people don't know how to do that suprisingly, so I jsut thought I'd give you a heads up.

As far as the lack of detail; I still really don't know what Serath looks like. I mean I really like the developement of the story so far. I think it might be a good idea to maybe insert a chapter before "Betrayal" and develope the bond between Serath and Shade, that would make the betrayal a little more devastating, that way the reader could feel as shocked/hurt as Serath was. Don't get me wrong that twist through me off as well, but I think the more developement you put into that relationship the more powerful that twist will become.

Sorry kind've got off topic about the detail. I know this is a short story, but the devlopement of your character is key. Atleast give us a little something to work off of, besides his gold-eye so we can establish a character to identify with. That way its a lot more personal, and impacts us as a reader more. (Aka makes it more life like and more enjoyable to read.)
 
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A.M. Radio

Guest
I'd like to see the chapters rewritten. Elaborate. Alot.

I really don't see why I am supposed to like these characters. You are telling us why we should be interested in these characters, but I don't think I am seeing it. I am a very hard critic, though.

Make it longer. I mean, this could become either a long short story or a short novel. Elaborate, let's see more of who these people are, where they come from, what they are doing. I feel like I'm reading a synoposis and not the actual story.
 
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