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First draft, written in an hour...

MalachHamavet

Registered Member
I have had this idea for a while now... These two characters are pretty well developed in my head. This is kind of a prolog to later events. They will meet again.

And, this is only a first draft, written tonight in all of an hour. Enjoy. (And if you don't enjoy, feel free to rip me apart. I love a good critique.

*****

"So I'll see you in two weeks, Kimberly." Dr. Shmidt smiled at the adolescent girl, seated across from him in the small office. She was a thin girl with chin length hair dyed blue-black. She wore all black clothing and black Converse tennis shoes.


"Yea." Kimberly said softly.


"I'll need to talk to your mother for a few minutes before you go."


"Ok." she answered, smiling back at him.


Her mother was outside the door waiting to go in. Kimberly passed without speaking, on her way to the waiting room.


The waiting room appeared empty as she exited the long hallway. The receptionist had gone home and an eerie quiet had settled in the office. The she noticed a dark clad man, seated in the corner.


He wore black jeans and a black hooded sweatshirt. The hood was pulled up, slightly concealing his face, but long blond hair spilled from beneath it like a golden waterfall. She could not see his eyes but wondered for a second if he was asleep. He sat so perfectly still, his head tilted down.


One of Kimberly's favorite things to do was make up stories. She was told she had a vivd imagination by, well, everyone. She didn't see anything wrong with it, but others did. In the past when she was waiting a long time to see Dr. Shmidt, she would alleviate her boredom by making up stories about the people in the waiting room. There was the grown wmoan she saw once, who was morbidly obese, with her hair in ratty pigtails, carrying a cabbage patch doll. Kimberly decided she must have killed her husband, but got off on an insanity plea and now thought she was a child. And then there was the man who sat in the office quietly rocking back and forth and holding back his tears. She imagined his wife just left him for another man and he was crushed.


But, most people in this office seed normal enough. Se wondered if anyone sitting there ever made up stories about her while she sat waiting.


But this man seemed different. It would be hard coming up with a story for him. She kept her eyes on him and she made her way to a seat, watching for some sign of life. She sat across from him. As she sat, he lifted his head slightly, and for a split second their eyes met. She almost was startled by the site of his face. His eyes were so strikingly blue, framed by an angelic, handsome face. She stepped back and stared for a second or two, then felt a wave of embarrassment wash over her.


Now that he had seen her she felt like she had to speak. Impulsively she blurted out, "Your hair's really long. Mine used to be that long but my Mom made me get it cut."


He looked at her inquisitively, "That stinks."


His voice was deep, but his way of speech was odd and foreign. "You talk funny." she said quickly, and then put her hand up to her mouth. What was she thinking?


"Yes." he said softly, "I am from another country. I didn't grow up speaking English."


"Where did you grow up?"


"Across the ocean."


"You're really handsome. Does everyone across the ocean look like you?"

Now it seemed he was the embarrassed one. He laughed softly and looked away.

"I'm always afraid of coming here because I'm afraid of being locked up in a home."


"I wouldn't worry about that, " he said, leaning forward a little, "They only lock people up who are dangerous."


"My Mom and my teachers say I have an attitude problem."


"Well I don't see one." He said, giving her the slightest hint at a smile.


She smiled back, flattered and mildly swooning.


"Kimberly!" Her mother"s voice shot off like a canon. She jumped up from the chair. "Let's go."


She turned around and waved while walking away.


"I told you to never talk to anyone in this office didn't I? Why can't you listen?" She hung her head and her face flushed red. She knew the man could hear her mother. She turned around one more time to see him walking toward Dr. Shmidt in the doorway.


As they walked out the door she knew she would probably never see this stranger again.


She sat in the passenger side of her mother's car, watching trees and buildings go by. Suddenly her mother's voice broke the silence, "Kimberly, I don't want you talking to anyone in that office from now on. Some of the people Doctor Schmidt sees are nuts. Now I'm not going to tell you again."


"But he was nice." she pleaded.


"How do you know he wasn't a pedophile?"


"I..." she trailed off, searching for words.


"See. You don't know. He could have kidnapped you and molested you Kim."


"Don't call me Kim. I don't like being called Kim."


"I birthed you. I'll call you what I want." She reached across the seat and patted Kimberly's dyed black hair. "We're going to wash all this color out of your hair this weekend."


Kimberly liked her black hair. Though her mother was furious when she dyed it.


"Twelve is too young to dye your hair. When you're 16 you do what you want with it. You can shave your head for all I care. But now you'll follow my rules."

Kimberly nodded slowly. Frustration building deep within her.


"And no more talking to people in the shrink's office."


She waited a few seconds and then asked the question she had been dying to ask, "Am I nuts?"


Her mother turned her head sharply, with a look in her eyes that could have been surprise or anger, "Why would you think that?"


"Because I see a shrink. And you even said the people Dr. Shmidt sees are nuts."


Her mother took a deep breath, "You're not nuts. You're different. You just need a little help."


She turned her head to look back out the window, tears forming in her eyes. Her thoughts drifted back to the stranger in the office. She wondered why he was there. Was he nuts too?
 

dDave

Well-Known Member
V.I.P.
You wrote all that in an hour and a half?

Sheesh, that's better than I can do. :lol:

Needs some obvious work with grammar and spelling in a couple spots but I want to encourage you by telling you that it's quite good. It certainly kept me interested.
 

MalachHamavet

Registered Member
You wrote all that in an hour and a half?

Sheesh, that's better than I can do. :lol:

Needs some obvious work with grammar and spelling in a couple spots but I want to encourage you by telling you that it's quite good. It certainly kept me interested.
Thanks so much for your reply. I have another story I'm planning on posting here soon where the guy she is talking to in the office is a main character. I've developed so many characters over the years that I've never used. Now I've been writing a lot about their interactions with each other.
 

dDave

Well-Known Member
V.I.P.
Thanks so much for your reply. I have another story I'm planning on posting here soon where the guy she is talking to in the office is a main character. I've developed so many characters over the years that I've never used. Now I've been writing a lot about their interactions with each other.
Very cool.

I'm over 200 pages into my first novel. I'm afraid to post any of it online though just because I don't want it to be leaked. I have this dream of making it big as an author one day. Logical? Eh, probably not. Would it be cool? Yes, it would be.

I just don't want most people to seem my incomplete work. Only a select group of friends get to read my work at this point and most of them seem uninterested.
 

MalachHamavet

Registered Member
Very cool.

I'm over 200 pages into my first novel. I'm afraid to post any of it online though just because I don't want it to be leaked. I have this dream of making it big as an author one day. Logical? Eh, probably not. Would it be cool? Yes, it would be.

I just don't want most people to seem my incomplete work. Only a select group of friends get to read my work at this point and most of them seem uninterested.
Being an author was my dream when I was younger. I wrote two novels in high school. I tried to send synopses to publishers a few times. I actually had the envelopes all addressed and stamped and everything, ready to go. I gave them to my Mom to mail. Never got any responses back. But years later my Mom told me she never even sent them. :shake:

Then life got crazy and I just forgot about it for a while.

I hope everything goes well for you. If your novel get's published I will buy it, :)
 

danwiz

Registered Member
dDave, I encourage you to keep going and see it through to completion. I also hope that if you do so, that you sell more copies of it than I am selling of my books! It's one hell of a lot of work to write a book, it's rewarding to see some of the reviews of a title on Amazon.com, but it's SOOOOOO disappointing when nobody buys a title. Of course there is a much larger audience for novels than there is for my type of mountain/photography books - so -- again, GOOD LUCK!
 

MalachHamavet

Registered Member
dDave, I encourage you to keep going and see it through to completion. I also hope that if you do so, that you sell more copies of it than I am selling of my books! It's one hell of a lot of work to write a book, it's rewarding to see some of the reviews of a title on Amazon.com, but it's SOOOOOO disappointing when nobody buys a title. Of course there is a much larger audience for novels than there is for my type of mountain/photography books - so -- again, GOOD LUCK!
Thanks for your feedback, lol.

........................
 

ALonelyTemplar

Registered Member
Speaking of novel writing I have already wrote a novel! Although it is kind short and it needs expanding (it is about 35.000 words). It is in English, but I will translate it to Greek, only to make use of better vocabulary and avoid any grammatical errors.

I can sent the cover to anyone who want it and want to get some inspiration, it is homemade by me and I think it is cool!

Edit: changed the wants to want, thinking that in this sentence the anyone is not singular but plural. :nod:
 
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