Crossroads

#1
I'm 32, married for 3.5 years, have a 7 1/2-month-old son. Since married my wife and I have probably only had sex about a dozen times. Even before we got married it had tapered off. We get along pretty well...it's more like having a roommate though. I absolutely love my son. I don't want him to grow up confused or hurt or resentful. I want to be a huge part of his life and always be there for him. But I'm just not happy with my marriage...as much as we've tried, gone to counseling, etc...it's just not getting better. There have been at least two occasions where she's been holding our son and yelling at me even though I tell her to calm down to not scare the kid. One time she actually started whaling on me while holding him. I could tell my son was confused and scared, and I felt so sad and sorry for that. I'm sure she did too.

I can't remember not having the urge to look at or flirt with other women. But I've almost always restrained myself from making any kind of noticeable advances. I think part of the reason we remain together is due to the convenience, both logistically and financially. We own a home and we are practically living paycheck to paycheck.

To make matters worse I recently have been looking on facebook at old friends and I looked up my girlfriend from a LONG time ago - 13 years ago I guess. Immediately when I saw her picture my heart just jumped. I have this incredibly strong urge to contact her - it appears she is single and I think she's working as an 'exotic dancer'. I know it sounds so stupid to think of contacting her but I can't help but want to.

Even if I don't do anything in regards to the ex, I still feel like I will continue to be unhappy in my marriage. I mean we have our good times, but a lot of times it just seems they aren't good enough to cover the fact that we don't have the kind of intimate, exciting relationship I feel I should be striving to attain. Maybe I'm totally messed up in thinking all of this, I don't know. Maybe I need more friends to guide me, because I really don't have that many. But I have got to do something..
 

Bliss

Sally Twit
#3
I think you'll do more damage to your child if you stay together. It sounds to me like you've tried hard to make the marriage work but it's impossible. I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a big chat about how you're feeling. If you're having feelings for other women then it's best you end the marriage first. If you cheat then you're going to cause even more damage. For all you know she could want out of the marriage too. It sounds like you're staying together for your child which is very big of you both but won't be better for your future.
 

EllyDicious

made of AMBIGUITY
V.I.P.
#4
Sooner or later you or she will cheat on each other.
I don't think you both will stand this situation ...
You are patient now, but won't be later. We're all humans and our patience has a limit.. You'd rather be honest with her and tell her what's going on. The state you're in won't get better. It might change for worse. Before committing anything you and your wife wouldn't want, you should talk to her...

What your wife did, wasn't a smart move. Actually, was so low of her ...especially when the child was there...
 
#5
If she's hitting you and screaming at you in front of the kid despite you asking her to stop, then only SHE'S the one who needs counseling, not you.

I don't expect you to take my advice, and I hope that the situation is not as bad as you're making it sound. But if it is, seriously -- just talk to her about it. No counseling, just you two , and NO SCREAMING -- keep it civil.

While you're doing that, start saving some money for an apartment or something in case it ever reaches a point when you have to leave her.

Try to take your kid with you, too, if you can. Letting him grow up with a woman like her would be beyond cruel. And if it comes to that (I hope it doesn't), don't worry too much about your child having divorced parents. I was born and raised by a single mom and I would not trade that life for the world. Just make him understand why things happened the way they did.

Note that what I've written above is based on what YOU have told us about this, though. It's hard to make a judgement withut hearing her side of the story as well. What usually causes your fights? Try to find a peaceful solution to them.