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Computer Humor

leopard22

Registered Member
OK, I know humor isn't a real accessory, but I consider it vital to anyone who has spent more than 2 hours at a time sitting in front of a computer monitor trying to figure out some stupid piece of software/hardware has managed to totally mess up all the work you have done in the previous 8 hours and forgot to save.

If you're in this class too, here's a joke for you: (it's an oldie and a little tasteless, but what good joke isn't?)

Just got this email about a new virus -

Subject: Virus Alert

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOODNESS SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??

It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your credit card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ***

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send to everyone......this is not a hoax!
 

Mirage

Secret Agent
Staff member
V.I.P.
I remember that one. I haven't seen that one for ages though! :)

I can't imagine anybody believed that though by the time the finished reading it.... but then again, some people these days will believe anything. :D
 

leopard22

Registered Member
Yep, it's an oldie. For God's sake, it's talking about Windows 98! Kind of thought it appropriate now that Microsoft is removing support for Windows 98 - wave goodbye to one of the oldies in more way than one.

Okay, here's a newer one or at least a different one. :D

Some possible computer bumper stickers

1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

2. <-------- The information went data way

3. The name is Baud...James Baud.

4. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

5. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!

6. C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

7. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

8. Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

9. E Pluribus Modem

10. .... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

13. 11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...

18. COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

20. E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

22. "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

23. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

27. Hit any user to continue.

28. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
 

Albey

Registered Member
HAHA, i have never seen any of those. I just delete the junk mail with fw: subjects lol.
 

leopard22

Registered Member
Yeah, Albey, those emails can be annoying. I have someone I worked with more than a year ago and they still have me on their forward list for all the funny email. Some's funny, some's not ... I just wish they wouldn't send me those stupid chain emails :(

OK, here's another one (I full of them .. or full of something anyway :-o )

For this one, you have to know the tune to the song "American Pie", so my apologies if you don't know it (but find it and listen to the song if you have time - it's a classic and then you'll be able to appreciate this song)

American Pie (Hacker Style)

Long, long, time ago, I can still remember
How UNIX used to make me smile...
And I knew that with a login name
That I could play those unix games
And maybe hack some programs for a while.
But February made me shiver
With every program I'd deliver
Bad news on the doorstep,
I couldn't take one more spec...
I can't remember getting smashed
When I heard about the system crash
And all the passwords got rehashed
The Day That UNIX Died...
And I was singing:

Chorus:
Bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high,
The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye."
Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
This'll be the day that I die

Did you write the new games shell
And do you have faith in the manual?
If b:dennie tells you so...
Well, do you believe in UNIX C
Can hacking save you memory
And can you tell me why vi's so slow
Well, I know that you're in love with C
'Cause I saw your code on UNIX B
You just kicked off your shoes
Man, you cleaned up every kludge!
I was a lonely young computer geek
With a program due 'most every week
But I guess that I was meant to freak
The Day That UNIX Died
And I was singin:

(chorus)

Well, for ten weeks we've been in this class
The professor really is an ass.
But that's not how it used to be...
When Ira Pohl taught in CIS 12
And user limits could go to hell
And there was still space on UNIX C.
And while the board was looking 'round
The Chancellor brought the budget down
The classes were adjourned
Evaluations weren't returned
And while Huffman read a book by Pohl
The CIS board made some prof's heads roll
And we wrote programs that weren't whole
The Day That UNIX Died
And we were singin'...

(chorus)

Helter skelter in the summer swelter
I went in the lab to find some shelter
Ninety degrees and risin' faaaaaasst!!!
C stayed up for ten whole days
The hackers really were amazed
Wonderin' how long it all would last.
Well, both the forums were really great
Nobody got us all irate
We had a stroke of luck
The system did not duck
'Cause the hackers kept their code real clean
The UNDR-shell was really keen
Do you recall what was the scene
The Day That UNIX Died
And we were singin...

(chorus)

Our programs were all in one place,
UNIX had run out of space
With no time left to start again...
So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Use every programming trick
'Cause UNIX may soon crash again...
And as I watched the system fill
My login process would be killed.
The system just went down
Consternation up at Crown"!!!
The hours went on into the night
And all that we could do was rite
I saw Dennie laughing with delight
The Day That UNIX Died
And he was singin'...

(chorus)

I met a girl who sang the blues
And I asked her for some stat lab news
But she just cursed and said "grow up"
I went down through the stat lab door
Where I'd learned of UNIX years before
But the man there said that UNIX wasn't up
And in the halls the students screamed,
The majors cried and the hackers dreamed,
But not a word was spoken
The Vaxes all were broken
And the three folks I admire most
The Father, Frank, and a. G.'s ghost
They caught the last train for the coast
The Day That UNIX Died
And they were singin...

So bye, bye, nroff, rogue and vi
Gave my program to Phil Levy but Phil Levy was high.
The boys on the board were sayin' "kill this, goodbye"
Singin' this'll be the day that I die...
 

Albey

Registered Member
You guys got issues. lol :p
 
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