Comedians (Not suitable for children!)

Merc

Certified Shitlord
V.I.P.
#1
Everyone loves a little stand up comedy, so let's hear some of your favorites! Mine are:

George Carlin - "How's everyone doing tonight? *Lots of applause* Good, well fuck you!""
Robin Williams - "Fake tits are like Nazis, they don't laugh, they just HMPH!"
Dane Cook - "I'd punch every bee in the face,"
Carlos Mencia - "Duh duh duh!"
Lewis Black - "If it weren't for my horse, I'd wouldn't have spent that year in college."

Carlin is single-handedly the most brilliant man in comedy (he was named #2 comedian of all time behind only Richard Pryor by Comedy Central). My girlfriend is going to see Dane Cook in April when he films his HBO stand-up special . . . yeah I'm a bit jealous.

Favorites? Favorite routines or lines?
 

Pugz

Ms. Malone
V.I.P.
#2
Adam Bloom- I saw this kid drop some litter and i turned around and said 'OI! PICK THAT UP AND PUT IT IN THE BIN!" and the kid turned around to me and said "If i pick it up it'll be putting someone out of a job." So i left him because i didn't have a comeback but i thought of one on the way home. I should have smashed his face in with a brick. I'd be thinking of the paramedics.

Danny Bhoy(scottish)- Some woman rang me up and said 'do you want to be apart of the Irish and Canadian stand up in new york?" And i said "but i'm not Ir-wait? Did you say new york? Top of the mornin' to ya!"
 
#4
Robin Williams - Don't get a Barb Wire Tatoo...cause it's like "oh, it's a barb wire tatoo when your 18, and when your...70...it's a fucking picket fence.

- We drop bombs in Iraq in little yellow packages, and we send a plane with food wrapped in yellow packaging. Now your playing Survivor the REAL GAME. Iraqi man says " I went forrr dis one yesterday...I am going to go with theese one today bob"

Dane Cook - Next time tyour throwing up take a gander at your own ass. It just rises up there. HURRRLLLLL
 
#5
Well gotta admit Sephiroth took both of my two favorite comedians.

Dane Cook: Fuck Shoes! Fuck shoes and fuck you!!!

Dane Cook: I've always wanted to shoot a laser out of my cock!!!


Robin Williams: The last thing a clitoris sees
.
 

Turbo

Registered Member
#6
Robin Williams and George Carlin are the best. imagine if you got stuck in an elevator with the both of them, OMG. You'd literally die from laughing.
 
#7
Can we use Cartoon comedy as well?

If so I like this

Squid Billy's
Daddy - You want a popsicle?
Boy - ....yes?
Daddy - How bout I shove a stick up yo ass and make you a boysicle? How would you like that mair?
Boy - No sir...
 

Nevyrmoore

AKA Ass-Bandit
#8
I personaly like Billy Connolly, Lee Evans, Bill Bailey, and quite a few other comedians from the UK. For the three I mentioned, it's quite hard to display their comedy through just words. Billy Connolly can make most normal things sound funny through the way he speaks, and Lee Evans and Bill Bailey use actions as well as words to get the point across. I'll give an example.

Lee Evans - "Attempted delivery?! What the bloody hell is that, did they get halfway up your driveway, then stopped?! *starts acting like an exausted postman* I can't make it!....I can't make it!....it's too far!....I'll just put it as attempted...."

Sounds crap doesn't it? Well it sounds and looks a lot better on stage, beleve me.
 
#9
Someone appeared as "DR ken on comedy central; "chemo bitch! chemo for every one!"
dave chapelle - is it just me or does every dead black person have crack sprinkled on themselves
 

Merc

Certified Shitlord
V.I.P.
#10
Robert Schimmel(sp?) is also quite good, but he's very vulgar.

"There Jimmy, that's what it feels like to go all the way . . . stop crying,"
 
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