Cheating: Who is to blame?

Discussion in 'Dating & Relationships' started by ysabel, Feb 25, 2009.


Who is to blame more for infidelity?

  1. Oblivious Partner

  2. Cheater

  3. Third Party

    0 vote(s)
  1. ysabel

    ysabel /ˈɪzəˌbɛl/ pink 5

    You have the following:

    Person A (oblivious boy/girlfriend, partner, spouse)
    Person B (cheater)
    Person C (3rd party)

    If you would rank (1-3) according to who is responsible in cases of infidelity, 1 being the most to blame, how would you rank them?

    I can imagine some of you might need to consider specific scenarios because it could be a case-to-case basis. Feel free to state your scenario and then the ranking if that was the case.

    My own comments will follow later.

  2. JoaNor

    JoaNor Registered Member

    1. Person B - Started / Took part in the infidelity behind partners back.
    2. Person C - Started / Took part in the infidelity, even though Person B had a partner.
    3. Person A - Not guilty in any way, as infidelity shouldn't be used to get back at a person for anything that person has done*.
  3. Jeanie

    Jeanie still nobody's bitch V.I.P. Lifetime

    it's definitely a case-by-case basis.

    Let's say the spouse/significant other is unbearable. Difficult to live with, impossible standards to live by, no one can do anything right in their eyes. The cheater isn't even looking for something else, but finds a sympathetic ear/shoulder/bed in someone who has been a friend for years. in that case, my rank of blame goes A, B, C.

    Scenario #2
    Happily married couple, together for say 5 years or so, very few problems if any. One spouse begins spending more time at work, working directly with a co-worker of the opposite gender. The co-worker becomes attracted, starts talking to the spouse about their own marital problems. The two begin spending more and more time together, to the detriment of the marriage. In that case, blame goes B, C, A. Maybe even C, B, A. because the bitch fucking seduced him.
    ysabel likes this.
  4. AnitaKnapp

    AnitaKnapp It's not me, it's you. V.I.P. Lifetime

    1) Person B - you can always make the choice to leave, cheating is unnecessary.

    2) Person A - there is a reason why the relationship isn't working, but I wouldn't really say the fault is their's, unless they refused to communicate when Person B tried...but still Person B can opt to leave before deciding on cheating.

    3) Person C - I don't believe that they hold the responsibility, unless they themselves were in a committed relationship.
  5. Sim

    Sim Registered Member

    Maybe I am too rigorous, but I have a very strong belief in the sanctity of mutual agreements, like the agreement on a relationship. In every case.

    That means I believe person A (the oblivious spouse/gf/bf) is completely without any blame whatsoever -- excuses like "he/she treated me so bad"/"abused me" etc are no excuse for person B, the cheater. If the cheater feels treated bad by his/her spouse, he/she has the ultimate obligation to dissolve the relationship, if he/she wants to have sex with another person. But as long as person B is in a relationship, he/she has the ultimate responsibility not to cheat (assuming, of course, it's not an open relationship or an agreement with person A that allows such).

    If person B, the cheater, feels his/her spouse is making him/her unhappy, that's no excuse for cheating. If that's the case, fine, he should officially end the relationship. But he/she can't have his/her cake and eat it too.

    Maybe I should add that I consider lying about cheating in a relationship (like B not telling A about it) worse than cheating itself. If B has cheated, but tells A about it, then A at least can draw consequences and either end the relationship, or forgive B under certain conditions both agree on. But dishonesty in a relationship makes it an empty, hollow shell.

    Person C, on the other hand, is much less to blame than person B. The neutral third party, if he/she even knows his/her involvement with person B interrupts B's relationship with A (maybe B does not even tell C he/she actually is in an agreement with A?), can claim what A and B have agreed upon is none of his/her business. So if C gets involved with B, C just offers B something, and it's B's responsibility to take or decline that offer, and it's up to B to decide. But in case C is dishonest him/herself, lying and badmouthing in order to get B away from A, there is some blame.

    So my order of blame is:

    Person B (the cheater)
    Person C (third party)
    Person A (oblivious partner)
  6. PretzelCorps

    PretzelCorps Registered Member

    I agree with Anita, Person B is completely at fault, because they still have the opportunity to keep their honour, and be honest about their feelings --> Instead, they decide to try to get the best of both worlds. No dice.

    I'd say that the next person in line is circumstantial: If Person C isn't aware that their lover is in a committed relationship, how could they possibly have any responsibility in it? If, however, Person C is fully aware of what they're a party of, I think they're just as responsible for it as Person B.
    Sim likes this.
  7. Major

    Major 4 legs good 2 legs bad V.I.P.

    In most cases I'd say the cheater is to blame. If they're in a happy relationship then the answer is obvious. But even if they're not in a happy relationship then that person should leave their partner, or at the very least let their partner know that they're leaving, before pursuing anything else.
    Sim likes this.
  8. Nibbles

    Nibbles meep

    'Happy' couple: OP is so busy with work, parenting, obsessive hobby, they are unaware or ignorant that their patner is finding satisfaction with a 3rd party. Better communication or observation is needed in the relationship to discuss their dedictation.
  9. ysabel

    ysabel /ˈɪzəˌbɛl/ pink 5

    I agree with this. It's similar to Jeanie's response in her scenario 2. So mainly it's B, C, A for me or B/C and A. There's a scenario though where A moves up the ranks. The main reason we find B to blame is because s/he is in a relationship still before getting involved with C. It's easy for us to say B should just get out of the relationship but I've heard of situations when it can be complicated. Sometimes A could manipulate, trap or blackmail (emotional or whatever) B into staying instead of letting go. In that case they all equally share the blame somehow.
  10. PretzelCorps

    PretzelCorps Registered Member

    Yeah, in cases where A is forcing B to remain in the "relationship", obviously A would be at fault... But then, I wouldn't really consider that to be cheating per se, since I think everyone should have the right to say "It's over."

    However, in cases where B runs off and cheats on A, and then, after B's been caught, B starts running on and on and on at the mouth about how much of an asshole/bitch A is and how A doesn't treat B as B would like, and how it's A's fault, because A drove B to do it... No dice, B --> You should've had the integrity to end it in the first place.

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