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Can't handle it anymore.

Medusa4355

New Member
The last few months my boyfriend's behaviour has been getting out of control. I'm not really a clingy type of girl and I like to have a life outside our relationship (I spend around 60% of my time with him and 40% with friends etc) so from very early days I encouraged him to go out with his friends and do his own thing whenever he wanted to, so I could have my time to do what I wanted and also so I wouldn't be one of 'those' girlfriends who keeps their partner on a short leash. It worked really well to start with. Neither of us is really overly jealous and we never had any issues about not seeing each other enough or doing couple-ey things, but now it's all starting to backfire on me. His 1 or 2 nights out a week with the boys has turned into 3 - 4... sometimes 5 nights a week. Don't get me wrong, we really do love and care for each other and we have a very solid foundation of living together and sharing expenses and all that, but I don't think I can take another night of him crawling into bed next to me at 1am smelling like a brewery and clumsily placing his hands all over me wanting affection when all I want to do is roll over and forget he's even there next to me in that state.

I know I need to talk to him about this, but I was the one who bought it on myself in the first place by not laying down any laws, right??? It feels to me like a form of vicarious liability lol...
 

Squeakers

Registered Member
Maybe you need to sit down with him and let him know that he's kinda taking the "friend time" a little bit to far. That you want to spend 60% of the time with him and not 40%.
 

EllyDicious

made of AMBIGUITY
V.I.P.
damn. it feels so bad when things turn out to the other side ... to the side that you didn't expect.
just take some quite time to talk to him, when he's "sober" but you have to do this as soon as possible because this "friend time" is starting to like him more than needed so the more time goes, the worse.
you've got nothing to wait for. from 5 days it may go to a whole week if you don't act now.
 

Medusa4355

New Member
Yeah i know I do need to act now, i'm just not sure how to go about it. It's not so much that I think he's abusing my tolerance of his boys time - it's got more to do with my suspicions that he is starting to develop a drinking problem. I lived with an alcoholic for 16 years and I know that you have to tread very carefully when you try to discuss your concerns and offer them help. The days that he does come 'straight' home from work I often smell alcohol on his breath, and he never mentions a stop in at the pub etc (like he wants to hide it). It's not a full blown problem - yet - so I know I need to get in now before it goes from bad to worse!

Just not sure what the right approach would be...

a) Tell him I'm fed up with him not being home more often (leave out the drinking thing) and hope he compromises with me and slows down on the partying.

or

b) Tell him I'm worried about both the drinking and not being at home with me
 

Nibbles

meep
Discuss with each other there's a limit to hanging out with his friends. If he wants to go out more, then go with him instead and enjoy the evening just the two of you.
 

EllyDicious

made of AMBIGUITY
V.I.P.
a) Tell him I'm fed up with him not being home more often (leave out the drinking thing) and hope he compromises with me and slows down on the partying.

or

b) Tell him I'm worried about both the drinking and not being at home with me
oh .. i see . there's a double problem. :shifteyes:
your concern is right.

actually it's more frustrating to think that he may become an alcoholic rather than not spending enough time with you (which now seems to be a second-hand problem).
plus, hiding the fact that he's been at the pub is not a good sign.
so yeah .. i think you should go straight on topic. go about drinking problem. that's what's you gotta save at first.

one question: has he been facing any problem lately? at work/family/whatever? do you think he may be stressed out about something?
plus, his friends are drinkers? i think he may not be in a good company.
so instead of telling him to go out with friends, save him from his "friends".
 

Medusa4355

New Member
Yeah it's just such a touchy subject to address, especially if he doesn't think he has a problem. He's been really stressed out at work lately and also the group of friends that always end up dragging him out are his work buddies. They are big drinkers and party boys - I've only ever met one other girlfriend of his work mates at functions/get togethers etc. The rest are all presumably single. They work for the government in the construction industry so are all real boys-boys. It doesn't help that they are right there with him at knock-off every afternoon to drag him to the pub.

See what I mean, it's so hard to eliminate or at the very least minimize his exposure to them because he has to work with them. Even the bosses get in on it too!

I'm just going to have to bite the bullet and take the risk of his reaction being undesirable. Hmm great.
 

Bliss

Sally Twit
Maybe he feels like you don't want to spend too much time with him and he's doing it to annoy you. For all you know he might want more time with you and less time with friends but he's doing what you asked him to do.
All you can do to solve this is sit down and talk about it because you have to take his feels into consideration too.
 

Medusa4355

New Member
Discuss with each other there's a limit to hanging out with his friends. If he wants to go out more, then go with him instead and enjoy the evening just the two of you.

I have kind of tried this out the last couple weeks. A few times when he's called to say he's out drinking I have said "Oh well i'll come down for a bit and join in". Some of the time he has agreed but I have ended up either leaving by myself or having to lie about something to drag him out of there (ie 'Can you please come home with me, I don't feel very well and don't want to be alone"). The other times he has just told me not to worry about coming there because "I'm with the boys and I probably wont be able to give you much attention, you know what they guys are like"...

It's very frustrating.
 
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