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Boyfriends friend is always here...

imnotcreative

Registered Member
Before I go any further, I want to say that I do not dislike said friend. In fact, I actually really like him. He's a decent guy. But he's starting to drive me freaking bonkers.
A little info. Friend (who we will call Steve) lives two doors away with his girlfriend. Steve has been dating his girlfriend for a pretty long time. Upwards of a year and a half, I'd say. And for at least a year, I know he's been living with her. Since he only lives two doors down, and my boyfriend has the big tv, Steve is here all the time. He has his own key, which I'm okay with. He's not a shady character or anything. I don't think he would ever steal anything. He helps us clean. And he's just fun to hang out with. However. He's here for easily ten hours a day. He comes over, while we are still asleep, to play video games until he has to go to work. As soon as he gets done work, he's here all evening until about 3:00 AM. On his days off..he just doesn't have to leave for work. He will actually walk to his apartment to grab food to make himself dinner and then come back here and cook it. In addition to him always being here, more of his stuff is here than at his own apartment. He has a huge dresser stuffed in the closet, as well as other random stuff. One of our kitchen cabinets (we only have 4) is full of a bunch of his stuff. One night, I came home from work to grab my lunch, and he was entertaining some other girl here. Wtf?! I told him I wasn't cool with that and that unless bf and I were home he didn't need to have other people here. He agreed and apologized. Hasn't been an issue. So generally, he's respectful. He's just always here. He uses our cable, TV, and internet more than I do. He won't pay for it at his own place. He just uses ours. Brings his laptop over and hooks himself up. When he comes over, he knocks...as he's opening the door. I leave for work, and there sits Steve. I come home from work, and there sits Steve.
Lately, his time here has increased because he's been having trouble with his girlfriend. I understand not wanting to be at home and having to listen to the fighting. But...why can't he be elsewhere?
I'm starting to get really stressed out about this. I feel like he should be helping pay our cable/internet at least... Am I being unreasonable? I never get time alone with my boyfriend. I don't want to upset anyone or hurt anyone's feelings. I've talked with my boyfriend about this and he's said that it upsets him, too. He's kind of a giant doormat sometimes. I am usually not. I have moved in with my boyfriend and I am trying to make this whole adjustment process as easy and stress-free as I can, because...living with people is hard, even when you love them. He had a total bachelor pad. We've made huge improvements and he's a sweetheart. Steve is his best friend. They're like brothers. But...I want time alone sometimes. And I don't like feeling like I'm being used for my internet and TV.
What should I do? Should I sit Steve down and talk to him? If I do, what do I even say so that I don't hurt his feelings?
Is it even possible to say something to him WITHOUT hurting his feelings? This is what he's used to with his best friend and now suddenly...it's expected to change...am I unreasonable for thinking he should understand that without it being said?
Or, should I just try to find a place of my own, and give the boyfriend the option of joining me, but with a different atmosphere? I really don't know what to do.


Sorry for the rant.
Basically.

TL;DR
My boyfriends friend is at my place possibly more than I am, and he is using out internet and cable way more than I do. I would like more alone time with my boyfriend. Is there a way to say this without hurting his feelings or causing drama, and if so...should I?


Thank you in advance.
 

HalfEatenSurprise

Registered Member
Have you discussed the issue with your boyfriend? Perhaps thats a first step, at least you'll get his thoughts on it first.

If he is proper taking the piss with stuff, perhaps it's only right you tell him. I mean, I don't see how drama can occur, you have the right to tell him what you think as it's your place. I doubt it'd turn into some sort of slanging match if you just spoke to him with a bit of reason thrown in.
Also, if you suspect he's having trouble with his gf, chances are it'd be advisable for him to sort that out by spending more time round his with her, than sponging off you all the time, and not being with her.

I don't know really. I've never come across such a problem. Although, I suspect there is a way for you to tell him what you think without him going apeshit, especially if he's a reasonable dude which you suggest he is. Perhaps just tell him to tone down the amount of time he spends around yours, as a lessener of the blow, and then work from there.

I hope that helps, I'm not sure it will. good luck with it all :)
 

Bliss

Sally Twit
Change the locks or move house.

In all seriousness, this is a really strange situation. You have the right to ask him to leave whenever you feel like it.
In my opinion you shouldn't ask him to pay for anything because he will take that to mean he is still welcome there for 10 hours a day. If you do that he will practically move in. Sounds like he is slowly doing that anyway.

You should ask your boyfriend to speak to him as it is his friend. If he is too scared to do it then you'll have to do it. Someone needs to put him straight.
He should only come round when he is invited. Explain to him that you haven't had any time alone with your boyfriend and that is is inappropriate for him to let himself in.

Why did your boyfriend give him a key? That was a really bad decision.
You need to take that key back because he does not live there. He is a friend and that is all. Not a tenant. He will keep on doing that until someone puts him in his place.
 

Impact

Well-Known Member
V.I.P.
Why don't you start by saying you'd like one day a week, perhaps a Sunday or something, alone...just you and your boyfriend.
 

imnotcreative

Registered Member
Impact...I think that might be a good suggestion. Not sure why it never occurred to me. Thank you!

Bliss. My boyfriend gave Steve the key before I was in the picture. Because they are really close. I understand that part. I've given my close friends keys to my places before. If nothing else, it's nice in case you lose your key.

I don't want to put my boyfriend in the middle of the situation. I think that's ridiculous and unfair. I have a voice of my own and I know how to use it. Steve and I are friendly, too. Not as close as he and boyfriend, naturally. I'm just concerned about damaging that dynamic, I suppose. I don't want to come in and be a whirlwind of change, saying "This has to change, and so does this and this and this".

As for Steve spending more time with his girlfriend...I understand why he isn't. It's relatively new that they are having trouble (as in...this week) and she's being pretty unreasonable and mean so far. He's giving her some time, and allowing himself space to think.


And...HalfEaten, yes, I have spoken with my boyfriend about the whole situation. Like I said, he's told me it bothers him a bit, too. He's just terrible at speaking up. He's offered to say something to Steve before, and I've told him no. I will handle it. I just don't know how to without hurting anyone.
 

Wade8813

Registered Member
I know he's mostly your boyfriend's friend, but if he's kinda your friend too, you don't have to get your BF to do the talking for you. That said, I don't think that you should insist that you talk to Steve instead of your boyfriend.

I think that if he's using your internet/cable more than you guys are, he should volunteer to chip in for it, but I'm not sure I'd ask him to contribute to it. On the other hand I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for a small amount to help pay for it (especially if you can tell him that your budget is getting a little tight and would appreciate a little help with costs).

He definitely should give you more space. Honestly, it's kinda creepy that he's there THAT long and that frequently. I mean, it's one thing if nothing's going on and he drops by to hang out, but to walk in when you're asleep and to stay hours after you go to bed is weird. Also, the way you describe it he has basically no life outside of hanging out with you guys, which is also a problem (for him and you guys). I mean, I'm not the most social person in the world, and most of my friends are in the same boat, but none of us are close to that level.

You should be able to talk to him without any drama. Assuming you're polite and reasonable about everything, any drama is solely Steve's fault. The fact that he's been excessively leeching off you doesn't give him the right to expect it, and if he's your BF's best friend, he should be able to cut back a little without any problem. I mean, what does he expect? 20 years from now, you and your boyfriend are married with kids, and he still keeps walking in at all random hours?

You could find a place on your own, but you really shouldn't have to move because of Steve.

You might decide just to confront him about one thing at a time, or you could mention the lack of privacy and the money at the same time. Either probably works.

Generally, when you give a friend a key, it's as a backup - NOT so they can barge in at the most inappropriate times. It's one thing if it was just your BF and Steve involved. But as soon as you came in the picture, BOTH of them should have been considerate enough to re-evaluate the situation.
 
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Impact

Well-Known Member
V.I.P.
The whole one day a week thing where no-one is welcome works well, or has for me in the past. There was one house we would all basically live at, we'd eat there, sleep there, party there except the one day a week that the guy who actually lived in the house made it clear that every had to be gone that day for his alone time and everybody respected that. Hopefully being relatively close with your boyfriends friend, he will understand.

As for the internet/cable part...I missed that on my first read. I see no harm in asking him to chip in a little each month.
 

EllyDicious

made of AMBIGUITY
V.I.P.
What?? Seriously, I don't know if I'd be able to put up with this situation, IMNOT.
You have every right not to want Steve in the house, you have every right to ask him to pay for everything of yours he uses and you have every right to not even welcome Steve at home anymore.
I know you don't want to go the last point, but Steve should respect you and your boyfriend's privacy. At least your boyfiend should be more firm about telling Steve how things should work. If your boyfriend doesn't do it, then you MUST do it.
This, or like Bliss said, change the house. It's really awkward and it doesn't make sense at all.

Also, @Impact - One day a week alone is not enough I'd say. I think it should be the other way around. if Steve wants to stay all day over at Imnot & boyfriend then this could be only 1 day a week.
And if he wants to be there everyday, I'd say he should stay no more than 1 or 2 hours a day. For the rest of the day, he should leave them ALONE!

He should also ask his friend/Imnot if it's ok to come over at certain hours.

Hell, it's not Steve's house. People need their privacy. Steve can't come in and out of the house whenever he wants to. He should at least ask permission to come, because now that his friend is living with Imnot, it's not easy and appropriate to act like Imnot is not there. She needs to spend time with her bf and Steve should be decent enough to respect this.

You don't have to think twice Imnot, talk to him to give you some more space and also ask him to contribute for everything he's been using over at the house you live.
 
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shelgarr

Registered Member
Clarity is not hurtful. It can be a bit uncomfortable or awkward but not hurtful. Steve has not received any input at all that he is overstaying his welcome (allthough I will admit that most people have better manners). As long as communicating is done with understanding, courtesy, and warmth, most people are able to handle the truth. While you are telling him he you don't want him there, follow it up by inviting him to dinner. Be very concise and concrete about when he can be around. Don't leave it open to interpretation. Also, your bf has created this situation. It really resides with him to fix it. But given he's let it go this far, I think the burden will go to you.
 

EllyDicious

made of AMBIGUITY
V.I.P.
It really resides with him to fix it. But given he's let it go this far, I think the burden will go to you.
Very well said!

If things are in this condition, that's because it's your boyfriend's fault.
 
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